Martha & Me

Early last month, before I knew I'd be writing this blog, I was in the audience for a filming of "The Martha Stewart Show." 

I shat you not. 

And, by the way, "shat" is not a bad word so you can let your kids read this posting.  But make them log on separately so that I get credit for another click. Appreciate it.

I'm not a mindreader, but I can hear you asking: Why on earth would he go to that show?

Before you jump to any hasty conclusions, I'll tell you that a close family friend from the Jersey Shore wanted to attend, she loves Martha (see, I told you I wouldn't mention your name Marge!) and since I'm an NYC local, I volunteered to chaparone.  Of course, she's 75 but could kick the ass of any two muggers combined  and then curse their broken bodies bluer than any sailor.  ("Ass" isn't a bad word either, bring your kid back into the room.)

Two other female friends also attended.  We had to arrive at 8:30 am for a 10 am filming. The show's staff needed 90 minutes to yell at us almost constantly and treat us like 2nd graders.  They didn't seem to like their jobs, and us, all that much. Here's a picture of the audience in the first waiting area into which we were herded:

 To be fair, we were given bottled water and most of the crew members were not all that unpleasant, but they did yell a lot in a condescending manner, as if we were seven-year olds on a field trip to a museum. 

"Now turn off all your cell phones.  Mr. Cell Phone is bad and shouldn't go off while Queen Martha is speaking." 

"Use the bathrooms now, there will be no bathroom breaks during filming.  And don't chew gum unless you have enough for everybody in the class."  (Ok, I made up that last sentence in each of those two preceding paragraphs, but the crew could've easily slipped those in and nobody would've noticed.

Thankfully, we were given ample, nay, super-ample, opportunities to buy Martha Stewart merchandise before the show began.  The Martha loot was located in a separate room.  I snapped a photo while the guards were looking the other way:

I made this photo extra large so that you could examine it closely to decide if there is anything that you might like.  If you there is, please order it at http://www.marthastewart.com/.  They said that the computer chip that they injected into our necks wouldn't have any effect, but I still feel a strange need to promote Martha's products.  I bought two of the third t-shirt from the right, if you really must know.  Not for me though.  Now stand back please, we're not ready to go in just yet and you're leaning your greasy body on something, I'm sure. 

After a wait that was long enough to make us realize that we were played for suckers and had shown up way too early, they finally started to let us file into the studio.  It was shortly before this that I noticed that I was one of only five males in an audience of about 120.  And of the five, I'm sure I would've won a sports trivia contest or arm wrestling match hands down, if you know what I mean.  And I'm sure you do.  The kids can read this, why not?

When we finally got the exciting opportunity to take our seats, we were rewarded with chairs smack in the middle...but in the last row.  Unfortunately, upon later viewing a recording of the show (I only DVR'd it this one time, believe me), it was revealed that the camera never quite got to where we sat.  Whew, nobody saw me in the audience, great!  Of course, I'm negating that anonymity by now blogging about it.  I would be a very complicated psychological study.  But you knew that.

Here is a picture of Anne, Mary and Marge (last names have been withheld to protect the innocent):

I posted this photo in extra large format to give this trio some media exposure to partially make up for the screw job that the Martha Stewart camera crew perpetrated on us. Marge, the 75-year old, is in the back with the white sweater and red scarf.  I know, I just greatly complimented one woman and pissed off two others since the other two are nowhere near 75 and, presumably, pointing out Marge wouldn't be necessary.  Such is the life of a blogger.  We should all be so lucky as to look as good as Marge when we're 75.  Maybe that will get me into the will (or at least some of her most excellent strombolis, even better!) 

The show is filmed in eight short segments.  I use the term "show" loosely since it is, essentially, one long commercial.  Website addresses are frequently mentioned ("You can buy this nice cake plate at cake-eaters.com") but none so frequently as Martha's ("I know we only gave you half of the recipe, the rest is available at http://www.marthastewart.com/.) 

If you'll notice, every recipe you see made on TV, especially on Martha's show, is only partially revealed and then you are directed to a website to get the rest.  These people are bigger click-whores than me! (Ok, now you might want to let the kids leave the room...)

Here's are two pictures of the show's set:

Fairly mundane, I know, but it was very well set up and the economical use of space was impressive.  And despite my pokes at them, the cast and crew did a very good and efficient job.  The guy who warmed up the audience, and got on camera in one scene, was pretty funny and a good emissary for the show.  I forgot his name however, I was too focused on the Greatness of Martha and her empire.  He's not really many levels above us in the Greater Scheme of Martha, sadly.

So here is what you have all been waiting for, s a picture of the Queen herself.  Brace yourself, you are going to be in the photographic presence of greatness....

Sorry, but I purposefully posted this photo in a small format.  Why did I do that?  Because there was no "extra small" available.  Martha gets enough publicity, she doesn't need her photo on a stinkin' blog like mine, read by stinkin' people like you.  Let's face it.  

Actually, there is another reason too. 

I am punishing Martha, putting her into blogger time-out. Why?  Because when filming had completed the stage manager told the entire audience to wait before leaving.  Martha was going to film some promos.  All 120 of us watched while she spoke into the camera about various upcoming shows.  She did about five takes and it took about ten minutes.  I thought we would be signaled to provide some of our well-rehearsed phony applause, but that never happened.  After the promos were done,  Martha (who didn't look up at, or acknowledge, the audience at all, never mind thanking us for coming) walked off and we were allowed to begin filing out.  That's when I realized that 120 people had been inconvenienced, kept 10 minutes past the completion of the show that we signed up to see, so that Martha wouldn't have to wait for us to file out before she could start filming the promos.  She would rather inconvenience 120 people than herself. 

That really sinks my souffle. It makes me want to cut my American Express card into small pieces and spell out an expletive.

I forgot to mention that we did get two audience gifts as we were departing.  No, not a car, you're thinking Oprah, this is Martha, not  quite as affluent of a billionaire but one nonetheless. 

One gift was a spray bottle of "Wilt Pruf," which claims to prevent plants from wilting (no, it's not a Viagra substitute.)  The other was a $50 gift card for the website Grandin.Road.com.  I don't know if you're familiar, but it's very pricey and hoity-toity, thank you.  I don't think you can even buy a $25 gift certificate for $50 on it.  But it's the thought that counts.

If reading this description of attending the show has made you want to be there yourself, log on to www.marthastewart.com/get-tickets.  Seriously, that's the address. Again, I shat you not.

I must go make a bouquet of flowers out of some tissues, pipe cleaner and the Racing Form now.  Until next time folks....

3° Sean Faris - Entrée 2010

Classement 2010 - 3°

The LG Report Movie Review: "Up In The Air"

In case you live under the Rock of Gibralter, this movie stars George Clooney [of course, if you DO live under the Rock of Gibralter, you probably speak Spanish, so you should just move on to another blog written in your language. Adios amigo!] 

The names of Clooney's two female co-stars might as well be Vera Blah Blah and Anna Yada Yada.  If you really care, look them up yourself, you have an internet connection.

Sorry about that.  

If a woman were writing this review, here's how it would read: "Drool drool drool, slobber slobber slobber, fawn fawn fawn, swoon swoon swoon, Clooney hot hot hot...great movie!"

Luckily for you, an objective male is at the keyboard.  However, in the interest of full disclosure, and in keeping with the highest ethical standards of journalism, to which The LG Report (LGR) subscribes (although our subscription runs out soon...), I must let you know that I am frequently mistaken for George Clooney. 

I look just like the guy. 

Because of this strong physical resemblence, people may suspect that I have a subconscious sympathy for Mr. Clooney and his films.  Some may think that I "relate" to George Clooney.  I assure you that I don't.  Our twin-like appearance is something that I do not let seep into my unbiased judgments -- ever.  Here's a publicity photo of George Clooney from "Up In The Air"  that was sent to The LG Movie Report last week:


In "Up In The Air" Clooney plays a corporate hatchet man named Ryan Bingham.  He flies around the country as an outside consultant whose job it is to tell people that they're being fired.  As you can see from the photo on the left,  Clooney had to wear a jacket and tie for this role. Ryan Bingham enjoys racking up frequent flyer miles and receiving the perks that go with elite traveler status, all the while living in an emotional vaccuum.  I'm sure many of you men out there can relate whether you travel a lot or not.  Just the way it is... 

This space intentionally left blank.

To the right is a picture of me that was taken for People Magazine's annual "Sexiest Man Alive" issue.  They were planning to use a black-and-white theme that year, but abandoned it at the last minute.  I must admit, I'm getting a bit long-in-the-tooth, this photo dates all the way back to 2007 (shhh!) 

Ultimately, as you may remember, People Magazine chose Matt Damon as its "Sexiest Man" in 2007 (this proves that I'm telling the truth, how else would I know? I don't use Google...)  But I don't begrudge Matt, he's a nice guy and we shared a few vegetarian non-fat low-carbon-emissions soy lattes together between photo shoots.  The striking similarities between me and Mr. Clooney are obvious.  If you don't agree, please adjust the pixel count and HDL-45x ratio of your monitor.  The fault lies on your end, not mine (a frequent theme of mine...)  

When I lived in Hollywood and wrote for Variety, I would receive George Clooney's dry cleaning in error fairly frequently because the deliveryman couldn't read.  He made his deliveries according to his memor of facial features. George and I would always have a good laugh about it down at the free-range macrobiotic vegan bagel shop.

Now that you know of my connection to Mr. Clooney, but also of my avowed impartiality, I'll say that I  thought that "Up In The Air" was a good movie.  It wasn't chock full o' the same kind of knee-slapping laughs as "It's Complicated," but it did contain a good bit of humor, as well as a few deeper emotional themes, which I won't get into here.  I think The Academy will like this one, wouldn't be surprised it it takes Best Film.  If George can't make the awards ceremony, he'll probably ask me to stand in for him...  

The LG Movie Report's rating of "Up In The Air" (on the traditional LGMR Scale of 1 to 103) is 81.6.

The LGR Beef of the Moment:  I have had, for a l-o-n-g time, a BIG beef with annoying movie theatres softdrink size labels.  Until now, I had no significant outlet for this beef, but today I have a blog. 
Hallelujah!! 

So here's the beef: Many movie theatres try to subconsciously influence your decision on a soft drink purchase by labelling the sizes as "Large," "Medium" and "Child's."   The "Large" will cost you about $4.50 and contain 50 ounces of soda.  That's enough to swim in or use to wash your car (if it wasn't so corrosive; we put into our stomachs what we wouldn't put on our cars but that's another blog/beef) (and yes, I do drink soda, this is a glass house from which I'm typing...)  The "Medium" will be $4.25 and holds about 48 ounces. Then comes the mere "Child's" size, which gives you 45 ounces for $4.00.  If my exact sizes and prices are wrong it doesn't matter; two things are always true: 

1.) The largest size is so minimally more expensive that everyone ends up ordering it because you feel like you're wasting money if you don't; and

2.) The "Child's" sized soda contains way more than a normal mortal would be able to drink in one sitting, yet the theatre wants to make you feel like a "child" for ordering it!  Since they did it for steroids in baseball, I would hope that Congress will hold hearings on this egregious wrong.  Bring in that b*astard who came up with the "Child's" drink size designation and fry him in public!  Or, better yet, make him ingest a "Child's Size" portion of liquid poison, that shouldn't kill him if it's truly "Child's Size."

Ok, off the beef now and back to the movie review. I've seen two films in two days and here's my bottom line:

"It's Complicated" is your movie if you want an all-out romantic comedy with plenty of laughs.

"Up In The Air" should be your pick if you want Clooney with some laughs, but also some serious undertones.

Either way, I predict that you will emerge from the theatre satisfied.  While you may have been up in the air about which movie to choose, you'll realize that it's really not complicated, it only requires a "Child's Size" bit of intelligence.   Enjoy!

The LG Report Movie Review: "It's Complicated"

In truth, it's not really all that complicated.

I'm talking, of course, about the movie "It's Complicated," starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.  Released on Christmas day, it has grossed about $22 million as of this writing.

Bottom Line: as romantic comedies go, on a scale of 1 to 103, I'd give "It's Complicated" an 84.2.  Most such scales go to 100, I know, but The LG Movie Report has to be different. 

The film's plot revolves around divorcee Streep's fling with her ex-husband (Baldwin) who has remarried.  His new wife, of course, is a young hottie (semi-hottie in my opinion.)  This all occurs during the early stages of Streep's budding romance with the architect (Martin) overseeing her home expansion. 

How complicated was that?

The theatre was not crowded.  My sister and I showed up 45 minutes early and sat alone for 20 of them.  The LG Movie Report Useful Adivice: Don't arrive at the theatre too early for this movie or you'll just sit discussing trivia like the history of Target Stores.

These blog postings build on one another, as you can see, so please keep up.

I would've tried to sneak a photo of the screen during the movie for the benefit of The LG Movie Report's readers (both of them), but the movie studios are so worked up about film piracy these days that they'll burn your eyes out if they catch you trying to photograph or videotape their productions. 

And they are serious about this.  Sophie the Blog Dog recently got caught trying to videotape the re-release of the "Scoobie Doo Movie" and this is what the studio did to her:

Now she needs a seeing-eye dog. 

Restaurants are forced to admit seeing-eye dogs, thanks to federal law, but most don't admit regular dogs.  So Sophie sends her seeing-eye dog into McDonald's to get Happy Meals for her.  It's complicated.  

Back to the movie review.

This film was formulaic and predictable. However, it was also pretty funny. Portions of the dialogue were drowned out by audience laughter, which, to me, is the sign of a good comedy. 

I think I can hear you drowning out my typing with your laughter.  Or are those yawns?

I usually consult the website http://www.rottentomatoes.com/ before attending a movie.  It aggregates reviews from a large number of sources (The LG Movie Report is not among them...yet) and assigns a rating on a 1 to 100 scale (they're not creative enough to go with 103.)  Rotten Tomatoes gave "It's' Complicated" a 50% rating, which is not good, but in a separate poll of rottentomatoes.com readers, the film received a 75% rating, which is very respectable.  I reccommend the RottenTomatoes website, you should check it out.  It also rates movies available on DVD and pay-per-view. 

Disregard the opinions of others (except mine) and see this movie if you like romantic comedies, you won't be disappointed.  Who cares about the plot of romantic comedies anyway?  You're there only for the laughs, and this movie has them.

Here's an insight on the plotting of most romantic comedies: The guy and girl who start out hating each other, end up married or dating.  Almost always.  And no, I didn't attend UCLA film school, I figured that out all by myself.  

One unusual thing about this movie, and I'd be interested in knowing if anyone has an explanation: in five or six scenes an overhead microphone or two was lowered into the view of the camera.  Really, I'm not kidding.  It was mildly distracting a couple of times, especially when I started looking for it. 

With all of today's modern video technology, it's almost impossible to believe that the production company couldn't avoid this problem.  And these visible microphones didn't figure into the storyline or seem intentional in any way.  It's hard to understand.  If you see the movie, keep an eye out for it. 

Here's a picture of the poster for the romantic comedy "Bounty Hunter:"

I took this picture because I figured that I should show at least one or two movie stars in a post about a Hollywood film and this was the only one in the theatre lobby.

The trailer for "Bounty Hunter" looked pretty good, but that's never an accurate predictor of a film's quality. This movie was filmed in part at Monmouth Park racetrack at the Jersey Shore, one of my favorite destinations for an afternoon of leisure.  So I already like it somewhat.

One more thing. A friend of mine once had dinner with Alec Baldwin (it's true) and he said that all the guy talked about was money.  But in movies and on TV, he seems like a good guy to hang out with.  What do I know? I was trying to give you an insider fact like TMZ.  I'm new at this.
Are you aware that there are no Target stores in Vermont?

The LG Report Focuses on: Target Stores

You don't shop at Target, I know.  Neither do I. 

Only the hoi polloi do.  They are easily identifiable by their faux-French pronunciation of "Tar-jay."  Yeah, right, nice try.  These cretins are trying to put lipstick on a pig. And store-brand lipstick at that.

In a way it's too bad that I don't shop at Target, because I'd really like their "Dollar Spot."  It's right there by the front door, from what I hear.  You can get some great deals...

Ok, ok, you got me, I shop at Target.  You do too, so let's drop the charade.  We're all equally guilty here.  

But before I get to Target...I want to mention something about the personal communication revolution (e.g., blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) that truly perplexes me. 

I can't believe that people really enjoy reading about the minutiae of other's lives, things like "Just landed at Logan Airport. 10 mins late but got our luggage ASAP." 

Zzzzzzzzz....

It's crazy, but apparently millions of people are interested in such details.

Given that premise, please allow me to parade some of my minutiae by you.  My mundane life happenings are as exciting as the next guy's, I'm sure.

Today I went to my sister's local Jersey Shore Target store to buy a floor lamp and some other non-essentials.  I buy a lot of non-essentials and not so many "essentials."  My essentials, I think, are other people's "non-essentials," and vice versa, but that's a totally separate post. 

This is how the outside of our local Target looks:

The sign is probably pretty familiar to you (there are about 1,700 Targets stores in the U.S.), unless you live in the ONE STATE with no Target stores [That's called a "teaser" to grab your interest so that you'll read more.  This is how the "new media" works. A prime example of a teaser would be the internet headline "Celebrity reveals shocking fettish!" which requires you to repeatedly click on circuitous links until you finally get to the story, which is inevitably disappointing.  Welcome to the new reality!] 

The people depicted in the photo above were not shopping at Target.  They told me, after they saw that I had snapped their picture, that they were taking a shortcut to the symphony hall.  I didn't know there was one at the Jersey Shore, you learn something new every day.  I guess their instruments were in those Target bags they're carrying.     

Notice the word "Greatland" under the Target name?  What does that mean?  It's haunted you, hasn't it?  Lost sleep some nights, haven't you?   Here's a quick primer.  You'll find this information useful one day, like when you're standing in a long line at Target with nothing else to talk about. 

First, you have your regular Target Stores.  Generally, these are older and smaller Targets that sell all the regular merchandise.  The first Target Store opened in Roseville, MN on May 1, 1962. That's right outside the Twin Cities, eh?

The Target "Greatland" Stores are larger, about 150,000 square feet (measure it next time you're in one if you don't believe me -- but make sure you count the bathroom space), and they offer the regular Target merchandise plus some food items. But they don't have a full-on grocery section, so don't get too excited.

There are about 220 SuperTarget Stores.  The majority of these are in Texas and Florida, although Minnesota and Colorado have a fair amount too.  These babies are larger still, about 175,000 total square feet.  They sell the regular Target merchandise plus they boast a full service grocery store with deli, bakery and produce departments.  Some SuperTargets also have Starbucks, Pizza Hut, Wells Fargo and other third-party businesses in them.

So now you know some Target Stores trivia. Congrats. You've just earned three credits from LG's Minutiae University, Greatland Campus.

Here's a picture of the inside of our local Target Greatland:

I'd be shocked if this looks different than the inside of your local Target Store. Except maybe the people where you live aren't as good looking.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

I found that floor lamp that I was in search of, as well as some other items (this is Tweet worthy, but I couldn't possibly restrict myself to 148 characters).  My bill came to $73.09.  You have my permission to Tweet that to your friends.

That's it folks, a seemingly-boring-but-nonetheless-useful thumbnail guide to Target Stores.  I can almost guarantee that you'll mention at least one of these facts in conversation soon.  

Unless, of course, you live in Vermont.

One More New Year's Eve Photo...

One photo arrived too late last night for inclusion in my New Year's Eve recap post -- I have strict deadlines imposed by Corporate -- so I'm including it here.  It's from fellow Blogspot Blogger Maureen, who lives in Canada (hence, I now officially have international readership...) 

Maureen's blog, titled "I'd Rather Be Blogging," is funny and entertaining.  It can be found at http://www.ratherbeblogging.blogspot.com/.  I sent Maureen a note with a bunch of questions on the day that I signed up at Blogspot.com (hers was the featured blog of the day) and she was kind enough to respond with great advice.  Here's Maureen's photo:

I don't know how Maureen got those words superimposed onto the photo.  She's much more technologically advanced than I am, as evidenced by the visuals on her blog.  It's a great photo and caption and I thank Maureen for it.

Just a quick post this time out, I'm trying to vary the lengths.  I'm still getting my blogger legs beneath me, please bear with.  Until next time kidz, have a good one.

New Year's Eve 2009 Revelry

The new year arrived last night at my sister’s Jersey Shore home at 12 am...precisely.  I find that the new year is always very punctual.  It received a fairly low-key reception from about 10 people.

If you read my previous post, you know about my grandiose plan to collect photos of various New Years Eve celebrations from friends around the country (and a few overseas).

It didn’t work out so well.

You might even say that it swirled down the toilet like the remnants of a bad burrito. I only received a few photos. My guess is that everyone was having such a great time partying like Russian Cossacks that they forgot my request. Or, maybe, they just don’t give a crap about my blog’s mission to attract one million followers.

At this point I’d be happy with 20.

There were some pleasant surprises last night. First, our good family friend Martin Scorsese stopped by to say hello. Marty, as we call him, has always been a big New Year’s Eve reveler. Here’s his picture from last night's throw down:

Here's what he looks like if you Google him:

You can never really trust those internet photos; they don’t look like the person in real life. Marty grew up in Manhattan and went to NYU, in case you're not his pal, like I am. You can look up those facts on Wikipedia. That’s not, of course, how I learned about him.

When I was a kid, Marty and I rode with a really weird and aggressive taxi driver.  Afterwards, I said to Marty “You should make a movie about a guy like that.” He replied, “Thanks LG, you’re a goodfella.”

I’m not bragging, I'm just telling you how it went down.

You’ll probably get the false impression that I regularly hang out with Hollywood types, but I don’t.  However, shortly after Marty left, our good friend Eugene Levy (of "American Pie" fame) knocked on the door. Here is Gene's picture (friends call him Gene) from last night: .

If you track down him down on the web here's what you'll find:

This picture is also misleading. Gene didn’t have his moustache in those days.  I hope you don't think that both of those non-web photos showed my friend Geo in a a cheap dollar store disguise. You know that this blog is above that, so I won't dignify your accusations with a response.

I have some other photos from last night.  Here's Doc, he lives in Boston's Leather District.  Doc was overserved on champagne last night.  It wasn't his fault.  He'll have a hair of the dog in the morning and will be fine before he has to perform surgery on somone's aunt.

This is my friend Dexter (on the left) who lives in L.A. His pal Julian was with him in Scottsdale, where they were partying at the W Hotel.  My guess is that cute women were nearby, but you didn't hear that from me. I would've liked to have seen those babes in this photo too, but beggars can't be choosers.

My godson Luigi is pictured below. He'll be two years old in March and is even cuter in person. Everyone loves Luigi as soon as they meet him. I hope I don't fail in my godfatherly duties. If Luigi were an ugly brat I wouldn't feel so much pressure. No matter what happens, I know I'll teach him some great practical jokes.

 

This is my friend Lee and his awesome wife Elaine. They live in the Orlando area and, apparently, they took my request for a photo seriously, for which I thank them. Lee's been my friend since we were 11 years old, and has suffered many indignities and hardships as a result.  But he's hung in there, hoping, I think, to someday get his picture on my blog.

Today is his lucky day!

Lee could tell you stories of stunts that would've gotten me arrested when they were performed, but I know he won't. Did I mention that he's a great guy?

I'm sure you'll recognize Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper.  They were in Times Square last night. I've lived in New York City for 17 years and have been in Times Square on New Year's Eve exactly...nunce. "Nunce" is a word I invented to mean "never" when someone is expecting you to say "once." Feel free to spread it around. As you can see, this is a picture of a TV screen (the CNN logo on the right probably gives it away).  If CNN sues me for this, I'd be shocked.  I'll bet they've done that nunce before.  This picture is good publicity for their lame broadcast. CNN should hire me for next year's show.

Sophie the Blog Dog, famous the world over, models her stylish 2010 glasses in this photo. She was on her best behavior last night, and didn't bite Martin Scorsese or Gene Levy, thank goodness. I'd hate to be blackballed from the Oscars. Of course, Gene Levy hasn't sniffed an Oscar nomination in his entire career, but he's a good guy.

Hopefully you enjoyed this New Year's Eve recap.  I extend my best wishes to you and your family for a truly terrific 2010.