The LG Report's Photos of the Week

"Photos of the Week? I've never seen that on The LG Report before," you're saying to yourself. 

It's a new feature, which may actually be weekly, or not.  We'll see.  Just roll with it. 

Sometime in the not-too-distant future, Political Correctness will totally engulf our society.  PC-ness will swallow us whole, like a python devouring a field mouse.  At that point, you won't be able to talk about, ask about, refer to, or in any way acknowledge any differences between people.  When that occurs, and we are no longer allowed to inquire as to one's gender, The LG Report has the perfect question to glean that information without being overtly non-PC.  Here is it:

Have you ever, at any time and under any circumstances, paid for one or more items at a cash register by writing a check? 

Here's the Teacher's Edition Answer Key:  If the response is "Yes," you're dealing with a woman.  If the response is "No," then your specimen is man.  Simple as that.

This brings us to our first Photo of the Week:

See that woman in the vomit green shirt, hunched over the counter scribbling out her check to the cashier?  She held me up for almost five minutes at the Eddie Bauer Outlet with her check-writing BS.  It's a form of false imprisonment, I say.  And, to make matters worse -- and I swear this is true -- the other cash register was also tied up at the EXACT SAME TIME by a woman writing a check.  It's a good thing Eddie Bauer doesn't sell guns.  And notice how she's trying to hide her face from any bloggers who may be in the store?  She knows she's doing everyone else dirty.  The least she could've done was turn around and face the stink-eye that I was giving her head on.  

I've never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seen a man write a check in a store.  If you have, please post a comment exposing said man and we'll drum him out of the gender at our next meeting.

Next Photo of the Week:

This was taken at a carwash at the Jersey Shore.  There are laws against false advertising.  I looked extensively in the vicinity of this vacuum and could not find a bathroom, so I don't know what this sign was referring to, unless urinating in public is suddenly legal.  Maybe it was directing patrons to that bed of rocks in the background?

Finally, our last Photo of the Week:

 
Come on, seriously.  Seriously?  "Mountain Charge?"  ShopRite, you're better than that.  Why not just call it "Mountain Doo."  I assume the clever-niks who came up with this one thought that consumers would associate the "charge" with the jolt that Mountain Dew's high caffeine content gives a person.  Although, maybe the "charge" is meant to convey how customers should pay for it.  If that's the case, then to attract female consumers they should've named it "Mountain Check Writing." 

That's it for today folks.  I'm here all week. Please take care of your waitresses and bartenders!

Selection 2010 - Dale Howard

Lights, Camera, Action! The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series Stops in California!

Today The LG Report hops on a plane (private, of course, we can’t travel with the unwashed masses…) and wings it out to the Left Coast to interview the mysterious and reclusive “Mr. D.”, our California representative in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. Mr. D. is a partner at a major San Francisco-based law firm, but his identity has been concealed in order to avoid compromising the nation’s homeland security program (it is believed that he moonlights as a spy for Uzbekistan).

OK, no more delaying with the Golden State interview, let’s have at it….


The LG Report: Mr. D., please explain the term “Californication” to us. You can use photos if need be, just none of farm animals.


Mr. D.: I think it’s a 3-way with Barbara Boxer and Schwarzenegger. Not recommended for the inexperienced.

The LG Report: Other than San Francisco, what’s the best city in the state and why?


Mr. D.: Not sure about the city, but the best state is definitely bliss.


The LG Report: If someone were coming to California for just one day, what would you recommend that they do?


Mr. D.: The true California experience would entail sitting in traffic on the 405 en route to an elective surgery procedure in your status car that you can’t afford while aloofly refusing to interact with others or engage in any meaningful or lasting human relationships, your tanned visage staring blankly ahead as you wash down a handful of valium with a wheat grass-sushi latte, listening to the Eagles, and dodging the process server who’s working for your 7th wife (currently in rehab) who left you for a cocaine-addicted tennis instructor who claims to be an aspiring actor. And who says we lack substance?

The LG Report: Just curious, are you the Zodiac Killer?


Mr. D.: I get that a lot, but no. The truth is I was busy strangling other victims in Southern California at the time.


The LG Report: Are you by any chance the Hillside Strangler?

Mr. D.: See prior answer.

An actual photo of our interviewee, on the far left, playing with his band "Almost There."  Apparently, he had just come from his night job at Wendy's ("Eat Great Late!") and was still wearing his smock.

The LG Report: People say all Californians are nutty, drug users, wacked-out liberals, etc. What do you say to those people? We’ll wait while you exhale. That bong’s not going anywhere.

Mr. D.: [cough cough]. That’s a totally unfair and sweeping generalization. 99% of the nutty, wacked-out liberal, drug users in Cali give the rest of us a bad name.

The LG Report: Are you aware that medical marijuana was not legal throughout your college years?


Mr. D.: Yeah, whatever. I’m not saying pot should be legal; but at least be consistent in terms of how you treat all things that cause damage to society. I mean how can pot be illegal but folk dancing isn’t?


The LG Report: Have you ever smoked a “fatty” of the type that Cheech and Chong made famous in the movie “Up in Smoke?” Before you answer that, are Cheech and Chong partners in your law firm?

Mr. D.: Yes and I inhaled; but it turned out to be filled only with oregano thus preserving my presidential aspirations.

If you Google "California" and click on "Images," this photo comes up under the 10th tab.  Honest.  We're not just using that as an excuse to post a photo of a woman in a bikini to get more readers and clicks.  Really.

 The LG Report: Your governor can’t pronounce the name of your state correctly. Does that worry you?




Mr. D.: Nein, mein herr!

The LG Report: If internet superstar Geo came to California to have his footprints immortalized in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and you were looking to harm him, would you: 1) tell him that you were conducting a dry run and encase his feet in cement before dropping him off the Golden Gate Bridge; 2) Strategically place him between a double In-And-Out Burger and Rosie O’Donnell; or 3) Send him down the Sonny Bono ski run at Tahoe?


Editor's Note: Mr. D. does not know Geo and felt uncomfortable in answering this question.  A typical California/flaky thing to do -- refuse to kill or harm someone you don't know.  It's not that way in New York, we can tell you that!

The LG Report: A bear is California’s state symbol, to some degree anyway, if you discount the Cheech and Chong fatty. Where does it go to the bathroom?


Mr. D.: It depends on if anyone’s there to hear it. (Sorry, we Californians are very metaphysical and deep so I must answer some of your questions with questions of my own.)


The LG Report: Were you present during the Manson murders? You can tell us.


Mr. D.: What?? I thought the Mansons were all still alive and well. Did somebody kill them? How awful!!


The LG Report: What do our readers not know about California that you’d like to tell them? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.


Mr. D.: It is still legal to breastfeed yourself in public in most parts of the state.


The LG Report: And, finally, if you had to come up with a new state motto for California, what would it be? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.

Mr. D.: “California: Just like granola--take away the fruits and nuts and all you’re left with is a bunch of flakes!”

This map of California shows, shaded in green, the areas where the nutty and wacked-out people live.


 Thanks for participating today Mr. D., we’re sure that your insightful answers will win tons of new clients for your law firm. Or not. Either way, we don’t really care. But we appreciate your effort, usually people like you are too busy for us.

And thanks for reading The LG Report folks!

Coming Soon:  The first lesson LG ever learned about corporate America, a photo that reveals a major difference between the sexes (sorry, it's rated "G"), and a blatant product rip-off exposed.  Click back often!

Seaside Heights (and Depths): July 4th at The Jersey Shore

Look, let's lay our cards on the table.  If you read The LG Report, you're at least familiar with the MTV show "The Jersey Shore."   Odds are good that you're even a full-on regular viewer. 

Admit it.  The truth will set you free.

Today, LG went to Seaside Heights, where the majority of "The Jersey Shore" is filmed, to provide a firsthand account of the boardwalk for our readers. 

It's a long holiday weekend and we don't want your head to hurt too much from reading, so this is mostly a picture essay with captions.  You like it that way, we know.

The crowd on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights is eclectic, to say the least.  And their fashion sense reflects this; it's far-ranging and liberal when it comes to boardwalk-wear.   As Geo observed, "You can't really wear anything that makes you look bad on this boardwalk."  The picture above doesn't really do the assortment justice, but LG avoided pointing the camera at some of the more exotic looking ensembles for fear of instigating a fight.

This picture gives you a bit of a better sense of the assortment of fashions.  The majority of the people visible in this photo have done something illegal in the last 24 hours, no doubt. 

As LG walked past this fine establishment, he heard a woman in front if him say to her friend (100% true):  "I just feel like I should get something pierced."  The mood just struck her, much like one might say "I feel like eating a hot dog today."  Cruisin & Co. is clearly a high-end retailer, possibly a subsidiary of Tiffany & Co.  Who else would proudly advertise on their sign "Nascar Apparel?"  Note the dummy on the right side of the photo.  And the mannequin next to him.

How many people can you spot in this photo wearing things that they shouldn't be wearing?  The over/under is 10.

It's hard to read the sign among all the tank tops, but smack in the middle of this photo is a guessing booth.  The 19-year old "expert guesser" attempts to guess one's age within two years, weight within three pounds or birth month within two.  If he's wrong, the participant receives a prize.  Here's LG's actual conversation with the guesser (yes, actual!):

LG: "How do they train you to do this job?"

Guesser: "They don't, I just answered an ad on Craigslist."

LG:  "But if you guess wrong frequently, it can cost them money."

Guesser: "I usually guess wrong, everyone has been winning today."

LG suspected the Guesser was high or, possibly, just N-RITH (Not Right In The Head.)

Henry used his considerable baseball prowess and rifle arm to knock down three heavy (leaden) milk bottles, twice, in order to win the largest prize in the booth, a big Pikachu doll on just his first three throws.  LG spent about $90 to win two considerably smaller prizes.   

This is the ride called "Sky Scraper."  Two people get strapped into seats on each end and are spun around in all sorts of ways at a fairly high altitude.  You'd probably puke if you rode it.  LG believes that a good business would be to sell umbrellas to the people waiting in line below.

If LG ever goes to the electric chair (which may be the solar-powered chair in our green future), his last meal will definitely have waffles and ice cream involved.  Kohr's, a New Jersey boardwalk institution, would be the provider.  On a more optimistic note, LG would also have waffles and ice cream served at his first state dinner should he be elected president of the United States.  In either event, don't spare the powdered sugar!

Here's a look at said waffles and ice cream before LG launched his offensive on them.  That's one order, cut in two.  LG would take his sweet time working this way through these babies if he knew 500 volts of electricity were awaiting him at after the meal.  He'd also be slow if he knew he'd have to make small talk with the prime minister of Sweden.  You can see how this could easily go either way...

The day ended with a good old-fashioned Fourth of July fireworks display. 

It was quite enjoyable, despite those phone lines visible in the foreground.  LG pulled the car over to the side of the road and insisted on watching the entire presentation, despite everyone in the vehicle's impatience and desire to get going.  As LG pointed out, you're not really a patriotic American unless you watch the fireworks in their entirety. 

LG has already e-mailed the names of everyone in the car to the authorities investigating the Russan spy ring.

Happy July 4th everyone from The LG Report! 

Selection 2010 - Ryan Carnes

Where Political Correctness Went To Die

LG recently read an article about increasing one's blog traffic.  It said that there are now over 125 million (125,000,000 for those of you who have trouble with words) blogs on the internet, and most don't get much in the way of readership.  Not a surprise.

One of the article's tips to increase readership was to narrow down your blog's focus to a very specific niche.  That way, the thinking goes, you'll attract a lot of readers who are interested in that one topic. 

The LG Report's stated goal -- to inject humor into your day -- is rather vague and general.  There are a lot of humorous things in this world, and on the internet.  Thus, there's a lot of competition for the time and attention of people looking for a daily dose of humor. 

So LG started thinking (I know it annoys you that I refer to myself in the third person, but, conversely, it amuses me to annoy you...) (ditto the bold-facing of LG), "What niche could I occupy to increase my blog readership?" 

A few ideas came to mind. 

Most prominent among them was to write a blog about Greece and being Greek in America, from a humorous viewpoint, of course.

My thought was that Greeks would forward my blog's address to all their Greek friends, and, pretty soon, the word would spread like wildfire and I'd have hundreds -- or thousands -- of daily readers. 

But, then I remembered that I'm only writing the blog for my own amusement, and I don't really care how many readers I get. 

So that idea went out the window. 

Although, I still may try to do a once-a-week Greek-themed posting, just to draw in some Greek readers.  Hey, a guy's cyber ego still needs some stroking and having a respectable number of readers doesn't hurt.  You'll probably take this opportunity to forward The LG Report's address to three of your closest Greek friends.  Thank you.      

Having said all of that (are you still with me?  Of course you are, otherwise, you wouldn't be reading that question...), here are two quick stories to illustrate how the Greeks have done away with the concept of Political Correctness -- if they ever had it, which is in doubt.

In 1990, just before my friends Dan, Geo, Carl and I were getting ready to go to Greece on vacation, Geo read in the New York Times that Greek authorities would only let people through customs in Athens if they had proof of hotel reservations.  We were going to be staying mostly at my family's house on Andros Island and had no pre-arranged hotel reservations.  This made Geo nervous, so he called the Greek Embassy in New York to inquire as to what we should do. 

"Oh, don't worry about that," the man who answered the phone told Geo, "That only applies to Yugoslavians.  They come to Greece and sleep on the beaches and we don't want that.  You're fine." 

Can you imagine a law in the United States that only applies to one ethnicity?  Not likely...

 
Later, on that same trip, we rented mopeds on the island of Mykonos.  That's not us above, that picture is from an earlier trip, but it's the only one that I had on hand at the moment so please work with it.

My Greek is good enough to get by, so the moped shop owner, who only spoke Greek, was directing all of his comments to me as he explained the various nuances of the mopeds.  Finally, towards the end, he said "Oh, and make sure that you keep the mopeds locked up wherever you go, there are a lot of Italians on the island right now." 

My friend Dan, who is part Italian, was a bit offended later when I translated that comment to him.  But, of course, it didn't prevent us all from making a point of hiding our wallets from Dan as we slept during the rest of the trip.  Political Incorrectness knows no bounds....

Selection 2010 - David Williams