Customized Terror Alerts Now Available!

The old system.

If you've been immersed in CNN (Charlie News Network) these past few days (and, let's face it, who hasn't?), you might have missed this news tidbit:  The U.S. government, in an effort to confer greater autonomy on individual states, has allowed each to come up with their own customized Terror Alert Warnings.

This new policy, the federal government believes, will enable citizens of each state to better relate to, and understand, the current levels of Terror Alerts in their area.

The LG Report has once again scooped all other internationally-respected news organizations and is proud to be the first to report on the new warnings.

National security concerns prevent us from revealing the entire line-up of new warnings at this time; however, we can provide a sneak preview of what to expect in the new scheme.  Just another benefit of being a reader of The LG Report!

Here's a sample of some of the new warning levels:

Nevada

Current Level:  The bookmakers say we have nothing to worry about.

Next Elevation:  Be vigilant, or the next bones that roll may be your own.


Rhode Island

Current Level:  Remain calm, we're too small to notice.

Next Elevation:  Shit, they noticed.






Illinois

Current Level:  Your duly-elected officials have it all under control.

Next Elevation:  If you die in a terror attack, please remember to keep voting.




Arizona

Current Level:  No worries, it's a dry heat.

Next Elevation:  People without papers will be shot on sight.  


West Virginia

The set of a West Virginia cooking show.

Current Level:  Relax Clem, have a glass of moonshine.

Next Elevation: Grab one of your guns and git behind any appliance on your front lawn.


Florida

Current Level:  Low. Stay inside in the air conditioning and just keep e-mailing people up North about our great weather.

Next Elevation:  Terror alert!  Terror alert! Get to the buffet extra-early and bring home doggie bags for the long haul!




Texas

Current Level:  Are you kidding us?  Every citizen owns an arsenal.  We're ready.

Next Elevation:  We hope a terrorist tries something, we'll go all Chuck Norris on him. 




California

Current Level: Dude, mellow out.

Next Elevation: Dude, mellow out.

Standard-issue California gas masks for use in a terrorist attack.  The attached bong-like devices are, in fact, bongs. 

Wisconsin

Current Level:  Moderate.  Our state capital is already in turmoil.

Next Elevation:  Still moderate, but we especially hate non-union terrorists, so keep an eye out.


Alaska

Current Level:  Low.  Sarah is watching Russia with a loaded rifle.

Next Elevation:  Still not worried, we don't have any population centers to attack.





New York

An official New York anti-terror uniform.



Current Level:  Don't be overly concerned, he's probably just a cab driver.

Next Elevation: If you see a terrorist, just put a foot up his ass to welcome him to New York.
__________________________________________________________________________________

So there you  have it folks, some of the new terror warning alert levels.  We hope you benefitted from this public service message from The LG Report.  Until next time...

http://facepinch.com/spartacus-season-3-andy-whitfield

From the comments on this link, everyone wishes you well and looks forward to your return as Spartacus!

The LG Report Interviews Kelley From Kelley's Break Room!

Not unlike the one-millionth customer dragging himself through the door of a Walmart (three days after it opens), Kelley, author of the very funny and refreshing blog Kelley's Break Room  recently became the 100th Follower of The LG Report! [Yes, it merited an exclamation point!  Two actually!!]

In fact, it's exactly the same thing, except we're not a Walmart store (although we do have a lot of people bending over to expose their butt cracks around here.) And Kelley knew she'd be the milestone 100th Follower since she could see that there were 99 people ahead of her. Other than that, however, it's exactly the same thing. The butt crack part, anyway.

Kelley's idea to name her blog Kelley's Break Room  (click on the name to be transported) was brilliant because break rooms are places where people can relax, do some thinking and have some fun. Based on that example, LG is thinking of starting another blog of his own called "LG's Bathroom."

Rather than award Kelley some tired old prize, like a Pandora bracelet (sorry Sandra) or a brand new Cadillac, we're going to do one better by making her the subject of an LG Report interview! Lucky Kelley!

Please note that we capitalize the "F" in "Followers" at all times. This demonstrates the great love and admiration The LG Report has for its Followers. We'd wash your stinky feet and comb your unruly hair if you were here in person. We'd even let you drop ice cubes and sharp objects into our exposed butt cracks just for laughs. Too much? Yeah, we thought it might be. Sorry.

OK, so let's head on down the hall to the Break Room to catch up with the one and only Kelley. It was tougher than you might think to land this interview, because every time we approached Kelley with questions she'd say that she was on her break and we'd have to come back later. Finally, we cornered her at 5:01 pm, just as she was leaving the Break Room:

The LG Report:  Kelley, it's no secret that the vast majority of bloggers use profile pictures of themselves that are either very old and flattering, or which have been doctored with software. Our question: How did you manage to doctor such an old photo of yourself in such a flattering way?

Kelley:  Alright, since you brought it up, I’m going to have to just come clean already. That’s not me in my profile picture. I actually have really long platinum blonde hair and often get mistaken for Steve Buscemi. While we’re on this topic, my name isn’t even Kelley. It’s Eve Boscemi. He’s probably my twin. Imagine him with long blonde hair and a skirt. That’s me you see. That’s me.

The real "Kelley?"

The LG Report: Have you noticed the egg salad sandwich that has been in the Break Room fridge for the last 2 weeks? It has now grown legs and is walking around on the third shelf. The other employees would like to know what do you intend to do about that.

Kelley:  Well, no, I hadn’t noticed it because I don’t clean the refrigerator. I used to scrub that thing out with my Clorox spray when I had 5 followers, but once I got to 10, I hired me someone. Sure did. Her name is Bob. Bob said she needed the day off. It really is too bad that she had to stay home with her sick Beta fish because we’re about to fry them egg salad legs right up! IT’S AN “EGG SALAD LEG FRY” DAY IN THE BREAK ROOM! Wear your jeans! WOOP! WOOP! Getchu a plastic bib from Larry Sue over there by the fake plants and dig in!

The LG Report: Charlie from accounting is in here every time we walk by, what's up with that? Doesn't he have a boss?

Kelley: He actually just told me this morning that he’s always there due to an awful and chronic case of gas. Apparently, he’s tried to contain himself in his little area near the Xerox machine, but keeps getting found out. Some of the clues have been people dropping dead right behind his chair on their way to make copies. His boss slides work for him under the Break Room door. I am almost positive we’d have more people stopping by the Break Room if it didn’t smell like rotting yak in here.

“Charlie!! HEY!! CHARLIE!!! Do us all a favor and work on that spreadsheet in your trunk, okay?”

So glad you brought that Charlie subject up. Before we continue with this interview, I’m going to have to knock down the drywall in the Break Room and rebuild it. It should only take a few minutes.

I’m back. Let’s keep going.

The LG Report: By the way, what kind of company is the Break Room located in?

Kelley:  We do quite a combination of things here, but our main area of business is to support professional tic-tac-toe players. There really are more out there than you think. We send out newsletters via snail mail and send daily e-mails, too, with tips on how to play the game better, such as “begin the game by placing your ‘x’ or ‘o’ in one of the corners”. Actually, that’s all the e-mails and newsletters say. Somehow our day goes by fast. Maybe we’re spending too much time in the Break Room?

The LG Report: What's the best post for new readers of "Kelley's Break Room" to check out? We'll provide a live link for their convenience. PETA: Please note - No live links were harmed in the posting of this live link.

Mr. Rogers was much larger in real life than viewers imagined.

Kelley:  Well, give me a minute while I research the post that got the most comments. Okay, "5 Reasons Mr. Rogers Stressed Me Out"   has been my most popular post so far. [Editor's Note: Click on the name to see the post; anyone who has ever seen "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" will love it.] I am hoping to top that one with my “Rules for Tic-Tac-Toe”, which should be coming out any day now.

The LG Report: You have that extra "e" in Kelley, you must come from money, most women we know with your name can only afford to spell it with one "e." Would you ever consider selling your extra "e" and donating the money to charity?

Kelley:  I bought this extra “e” at a garage sale. I had you fooled!

The LG Report: Do you get angry when people call you "Kelly" without pronouncing the extra "e?"

Kelley: It usually doesn’t bother me. The last time I let it get to me, I ended up uprooting all of my neighbor’s shrubbery and small trees with my bare hands. Over time, I have tried to realize that not everyone is in tune with how to actually pronounce my name. That is what happens with names that are so rare, like mine. As you know, the spelling without the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee” and the pronunciation WITH the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee”. Hear the difference? Try to say it right, for trees’ sake.

The LG Report: You live in Texas. Has Chuck Norris ever stopped by the Break Room and, if so, tell us one incredible thing he did there. We're sure he would've done many, like beat up the walking egg salad sandwich, but please limit it to one.

Kelley: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good ol’ Chuck!!! You have really bought back some good memories. He tries to stop by every time he is in town. HAHAHAHAHA!!! He’s been here once. When he was here, he just INSISTED that I sit in the orange chair I have placed at the top of my blog while he jumped over me over and over again. He was sweating like an aardvark when it was all over and I had a gash over my right eyebrow, a bloody nose and a black eye. Still, I love Chuck, so I just high-fived him, told him the 10 Cokes he guzzled down in 3 minutes were on me and high-tailed it to the emergency room.

The LG Report: If you could have any person in the world stop by the Break Room for a chat, who would it be and why? We're excluding dead people because the Break Room already smells funky enough.

Wiiged out!

Kelley: You got that right. THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE!!!! It is really a toss-up between Jack Black and Kristen Wiig from "SNL." Jack Black absolutely cracks me up even when he isn’t being funny. He’s just so pudgy, sweaty, genuine and awesome. I think I’d have to go with Kristen Wiig, though. I love her absolute shamelessness. I love how she contorts her face. She is living the life I would love to live (if it included my husband, sons, family, lots of Coke, the Break Room and my favorite pillow, of course)!

The LG Report: Can we get Snickers bars in the vending machine? And how about Starbucks for the coffee maker?

Kelley:

*****sighs heavily*****

Did you turn in your TPS report? If not, I’m going to need you come in over the weekend and finish that up. If you can get that TPS report in tip-top shape by Monday, I will see what I can do to get some Milky Ways and Folgers in the Break Room for you, ‘mmmmmkay?

The LG Report: What's your personal favorite vending machine item in the Break Room and why?

The bench outside Kelley's Break Room.

Kelley: I actually think Milky Way is the lamest candy bar EVER. It is closely followed by Three Musketeers. Sitting arrogantly on top of them both is Kit Kat. I love Kit Kat and that is why A1 through Z4 in the vending machine all have a row of Kit Kats right behind them, with the exception of G2 which contains a bag of peanut M&Ms.




The LG Report: Why is the Coke brand so prominently displayed on your blog logo? Do you have a sponsorship deal? Or is it code, indicating that the Break Room is really a drug den? You can tell us, our Followers aren't stoolies.

Kelley: Drugs kill!  Growing up, my mom was always drinking Coke. People were always getting each other Cokes when we went to each other’s houses. It’s more of nostalgic thing for me. No sponsorship going on over here. If I asked Coca-Cola to sponsor my blog, they’d all have a really good laugh and then pelt me relentlessly with empty cans.

The LG Report:  Kelley, you've said in your blog that you purposefully don't write about your kids and husband. We're not intimating that you may have done something sinister to them, but would you be able to produce a photo of them holding up a recent newspaper?

Kelley:  Well, if you count the dinner I made the other night as sinister, then…GUILTY! I do write about my kids and husbands sometimes. I actually wrote a whole post about my husband and his very flirtatious bus driver called "Is My Husband Having an Affair?"  (live link folks) last month. I love my two little boys very, very much. I just want to keep them mostly to myself right now.

Kelley's son provides "proof of life." We called the FBI and Nancy Grace to withdraw our request for an investigation.

The LG Report: While you're here in the spotlight Kelley (albeit not a very bright one, we know...), are there any bloggers who you'd like to give a shout out to?

Kelley: I love so many blogs. I really, really do. The ones I tend to return to over and over are humor blogs. The ones that are at the top of my list are [click on the name to see the blog]:

The Blog 'O Cheese  (a recent interviewee here!)

I'm Gonna Kill Him

The Desperate Housemommy  

The Flying Chalupa    

Absolutely Narcissism   

Not Worth Mentioning      

Pulsipher Predilections   

Kludgy Mom

The LG Report: Let's assume Kelley's Break Room wins the Academy Award for Best Blog of the Year (The LG Report was on hiatus that year.) You're only allowed to give an acceptance speech of 34 words or less. Let's have it.

Kelley: Wow, wow, I am just so dang nervous. Is this mic on? Look at all of you just staring at me staring at you because I realize you are all staring at me. Wow.

(Can I start over?)

Thanks so much! I would like to thank all of my (paid) readers, that nursing home who lets me do stand-up each week and my family who allows me time to write my nonsense.

The LG Report: As our 100th Follower, you recognize, of course, that from time to time you'll be called upon to give speeches at rubber chicken dinners, attend ribbon-cutting ceremonies, etc. If for some reason you are not willing or able to discharge your duties at a particular time, which hot female celebrity will you choose to take your place?

Anne Ramsey

Ratchel Dratch/"Debbie Downer"

Kelley: Ha! It’s funny that you ask, because I am always wondering who it is that should have this role. Someone has got to step up and fill it. I highly suspect I may get asked to become a judge on "American Idol" next year. I am going to need some help on the blog front. The hot female celebrity that I would have loved to have asked would have been Anne Ramsey from "The Goonies" and "Throw Momma From The Train," but she has, unfortunately, passed away. The next hot female celebrity I have in mind is Rachel Dratch.

The LG Report: Well Kelley, our time here is just about up. We see the cleaning crew is waiting to get in here to the Break Room to tidy up the for the night. Looks like they have an Animal Control Specialist with them to lasso that egg sandwich. Any final thoughts on Kelley's Break Room, or blogging in general, or your great honor of being The LG Report's 100th Follower? It's an open forum, say whatever you'd like (we'll edit out anything we don't agree with anyway...)

Kelley: I love being in your spotlight, no matter the size. I am so flattered to have been your 100th Follower and the subject of this hilarious interview! Your questions made me laugh out loud. I know your 1,000th Follower is just around the corner! (No, really, he is… I just saw him buying pork rinds and a Big Red at the Exxon station). I found your blog due to your interview with "The Blog O’ Cheese" and I am so thrilled that I did. I laughed out loud and hard at the questions you asked him and at this interview that you composed for me. You are a hilarious and a gifted writer! [Editor's Note: LG did not write his paragraph, although we don't blame you for thinking that he did...]

So there you have it folks, another LG Report Interview is in the books. We'd like to extend a very warm thanks to Kelley for both being our 100th Follower and for agreeing to participate in this interview. If you haven't already, we strongly recommend that you head over to check out Kelley's Break Room , it's an excellent read and you'll probably want to sign on to follow (but, unfortunately, Kelley received her 100th Follower long ago, so that great honor is no longer available.)

Until next time, thanks for stopping by everyone...
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Two Tributes to Andrew Jackson as the Embodiment of the American Spirit

by Michael Kaplan


The Lion in Winter.  Andrew Jackson in 1840, by Jacques Amans.

 
Respecting the character of Andrew Jackson and his influence, there will still be differences of opinion. One fact, however, has been established: during the last thirty years of his life, he was the idol of the American people. His faults, whatever they were, were such as a majority of the American citizens of the last generation could easily forgive. His virtues, whatever they were, were such as a majority of American citizens of the last generation could warmly admire. It is this fact which renders him historically interesting. Columbus had sailed; Raleigh and the Puritans had planted; Franklin had lived; Washington fought; Jefferson written; fifty years of democratic government had passed; free schools, a free press, a voluntary church had done what they could to instruct the people; the population of the country had been quadrupled and its resources increased ten fold; and the result of all was, that the people of the United States had arrived at the capacity of honoring Andrew Jackson before all other living men.

—James Parton, Life of Andrew Jackson, 1860.

Andrew Jackson, more than any other individual, embodied the American spirit in all of its strengths, weaknesses, and contradictions. In life and in death, Jackson was a controversial figure. To his supporters in the Democratic Party, Jackson (like Washington) was Cincinnatus. They celebrated their Hero as the knight-errant of the frontier, tribune of the people, and the champion of democracy. But to the political opposition—supporters of Henry Clay and the Whig Party—Jackson was Caesar, “King Andrew the First,” who abused executive authority and trampled the Constitution under foot.

Old Hickory was a true American original whose life exemplified the values and culture of Jacksonian America. He rose from a childhood of poverty and deprivation to achieve renown as a military chieftain and the supreme political leader of his generation. And Jackson achieved all this through the force of his personality. As historians Fred Anderson and Andrew Cayton write: “His was a brutish world in which freedom and violence were so inextricably intertwined that those who prospered did so less by virtue of their social connections . . . than because they were tough enough to strike at potential enemies before they could land the first blow.” Jackson thus made his reputation as a skilled practitioner of the art of violent confrontation: first by fighting duels with his Tennessee rivals, later by defending American liberty and advancing American empire in wars with the Indians and the British. Liberty, as Jackson understood it, meant personal autonomy and the freedom of local interests from federal interference. This was the liberty of white male patriarchs, like Jackson, to lead their families and be masters of their domains. Jacksonian men were first and foremost the protectors of women, children, and the community. As he moved from the local to the national arena, Jackson developed a passionate belief in the unity of the American nation that could not be compromised by sectionalism. A strong union, he believed, was needed to preserve America’s hard won liberty. Building a North American empire through ethnic cleansing of the Indians, in which Jackson played a central role, allowed white Jacksonian men to see themselves as a band of brothers united in the defense of liberty. Unfortunately, Jacksonian nationalism also forged a racially exclusive definition of who was an American and who was entitled to enjoy the blessings of liberty.

James Parton, Jackson’s first major biographer, understood why Old Hickory embodied the American character better than any other figure. Unlike their European forebears, Americans did not passively accept what fate and circumstance handed out. The Jacksonian code of honor valued courage above all else, viewing life as a struggle against those hostile forces conspiring to grind a man down into the dust. On the early American frontier those forces could be savage Indians, perfidious Britons, the capriciousness of nature, or treacherous eastern elites. Yet the Jacksonian American, like Jackson himself, conquered all enemies and surmounted all obstacles, to emerge triumphant as the master of his destiny. As Parton put it, “not only had [Jackson] no such word as fail, but no belief, not the slightest, that he could fail in any thing seriously undertaken by him. And he never did.” Of course not all Jacksonians met success and triumph in their lives; many pioneers on the frontier fell victim to those forces lined up against them. But they did go down fighting. Jackson’s life story was the ideal to which those Americans who shared Jacksonian culture and values looked up to and tried to emulate.

Death of General Andrew Jackson, by James S. Baillie, 1845.  "Oh, do not cry.  Be good children, and we will all meet in heaven."

Jackson’s death in June 1845 was marked by an outpouring of oratory and writings that celebrated and tried to make sense of what his life meant for a democratic America. The Hero, who had been born in poverty on the frontier and achieved greatness on the battlefield, died in his bed surrounded by family in an atmosphere of romantic sentimentalism typical of mid-nineteenth-century America. His reported last words were: “What is the matter with my dear children? Have I alarmed you? Oh, do not cry. Be good children, and we will all meet in heaven.” General Sam Houston, Jackson’s protégé and surrogate son, who had achieved greatness as the founding father of Texas, hurried to reach his beloved mentor’s deathbed to see him one last time. But when Houston arrived at Jackson’s Hermitage, he learned that Old Hickory had passed on three hours earlier. Taking his young son Sam Jr. in his arms and lifting him up, Houston said “My son, try to remember that you have looked upon the face of Andrew Jackson.”

Funeral commemorations for the Old Hero were held in cities and towns across the nation. New York City’s ceremony was the most elaborate of all, befitting its status as America’s premier metropolis. Eulogizing Jackson to the people of Richmond, Virginia, Andrew Stevenson emphasized triumph over adversity as the great theme of Old Hickory’s life. Stevenson saw the hand of destiny at work in Jackson’s life: “Born a simple citizen, of poor but respectable parents,” Jackson achieved greatness “by no other means than the energy of his own character, and being, as he seems to have been, the favourite of nature and Heaven!” Divine providence was helped along by Jackson’s own indomitable will. “Severe discipline and poverty, inured him, in early life, to great hardship and industry, and it has been justly said of him that he seems to have been an orphan from the plough to the presidency.” Stevenson concluded that Jackson must “be regarded as the architect of his own fortunes!” Jackson’s life could be seen as the archetype for the ordinary American, who without formal education, social polish, or inherited wealth, and through his efforts and will power, became a hero in the drama of his own journey through life. Strength of will and character are more important than the circumstances of one’s birth. This idea, which still resonates among Americans today, especially among conservatives, has Jacksonian origins. Or as Parton concluded, Jackson’s life revealed, “what man supremely admires in man is manhood.”

Walt Whitman, the great poet of Jacksonian America and a native of Long Island (he was born just up the road from where I teach), gave poetic voice to this Jacksonian vision of a democratic and heroic manhood:

O the joy a manly self-hood!

To be servile to none, to defer to none, not to any tyrant known or unknown,

To walk with erect carriage, a step springy and elastic,

To look with calm gaze or with a flashing eye,

To speak with a full and sonorous voice out of a broad chest,

To confront with your personality all the other personalities of the earth.

The two pieces presented here get to the heart of why Jackson was so important to the American people as a man and a symbol. The first, by Herman Melville, is an excerpt from Moby Dick published in 1851, six years after Jackson’s death. The second is an excerpt from a eulogy by Washington McCartney, a Pennsylvania lawyer and judge, delivered in commemoration of Jackson’s death.

Melville understood that Americans in the years after the Revolution had made an important discovery: God is a democrat. Americans in a democratic age demanded a democratic hero—a hero whose manhood had been forged in the crucible of democratic nation building. Lucy Hughes-Hallett, in her study of hero worship in western civilization, notes: “a hero is not a role model. On the contrary, it is the essence of a hero to be unique and therefore inimitable.” George Washington, America’s first hero, fit Hughes-Hallett’s description. He was neither a democrat nor a man of the people, always maintaining a quasi-aristocratic distance from his countrymen. Americans would revere Washington as the Father of the Country, but they could not see themselves in him. In contrast, as Washington McCartney told his listeners, Americans could, and did, see their own image in Old Hickory. Throughout his career Andrew Jackson was called “The Hero” and he did achieve a unique stature of heroic greatness in among his countrymen. But, far from being inimitable, Jackson was seen as the average American writ large. The qualities that made Jackson great were precisely those that the average American could find in himself. Andrew Jackson’s life and career marked the democratization of the heroic ideal.

© 2011 Michael Kaplan

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Knights and Squires: Herman Melville’s Tribute to Andrew Jackson and the Spirit of Democracy

But were the coming narrative to reveal, in any instance, the complete abasement of poor Starbuck’s fortitude, scarce might I have the heart to write it; for it is a thing most sorrowful, nay shocking, to expose the fall of valor in the soul. Men may seem detestable as joint stock-companies and nations; knaves, fools, and murderers there may be; men may have mean and meagre faces; but man, in the ideal, is so noble and so sparkling, such a grand and glowing creature, that over any ignominious blemish in him all his fellows should run to throw their costliest robes. That immaculate manliness we feel within ourselves, so far within us, that it remains intact though all the outer character seem gone; bleeds with keenest anguish at the undraped spectacle of a valor-ruined man. Nor can piety itself, at such a shameful sight, completely stifle her upbraidings against the permitting stars. But this august dignity I treat of, is not the dignity of kings and robes, but that abounding dignity which has no robed investiture. Thou shalt see it shining in the arm that wields a pick or drives a spike; that democratic dignity which, on all hands, radiates without end from God; Himself! The great God absolute! The centre and circumference of all democracy! His omnipresence, our divine equality!

If, then, to meanest mariners, and renegades and castaways, I shall hereafter ascribe high qualities, though dark; weave round them tragic graces; if even the most mournful, perchance the most abased, among them all, shall at times lift himself to the exalted mounts; if I shall touch that workman’s arm with some ethereal light; if I shall spread a rainbow over his disastrous set of sun; then against all mortal critics bear me out in it, thou just spirit of equality, which hast spread one royal mantle of humanity over all my kind! Bear me out in it, thou great democratic God! who didst not refuse to the swart convict, Bunyan, the pale, poetic pearl; Thou who didst clothe with doubly hammered leaves of finest gold, the stumped and paupered arm of old Cervantes; Thou who didst pick up Andrew Jackson from the pebbles; who didst hurl him upon a war-horse; who didst thunder him higher than a throne! Thou who, in all Thy mighty, earthly marchings, ever cullest Thy selectest champions from the kingly commons; bear me out in it, O God!

Source: Herman Melville, Moby-Dick, or, The Whale, Luther S. Mansfield and Howard P. Vincent, eds. (New York: Hendricks House, 1952), Chapter 26 “Knights and Squires,” pp. 113-114. Electronic Text Center, University of Virginia Library.

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Symbol for an Age: Washington McCartney’s Eulogy on the Death of Andrew Jackson, Delivered at Easton, Pennsylvania, June 28, 1845

What was Andrew Jackson, and what did he do, that he should receive such honours while living, and when dead, should gather a nation round his tomb? What was he? He was the imbodiment of the true spirit of the nation in which he lived. What did he do? He put himself at the head of the great movement of the age in which he lived. This was what he was, and this was what he did. For this, a nation admired him while living, and for this, a nation pays him those cypress honours in which we this day join. Let it be our theme to show that Andrew Jackson did imbody the true spirit of his nation, that he did put himself at the head of the great movement of his age, and that because he was this, and did this, he received, and yet receives, the admiration and the honour of his countrymen. Around this theme, we might cluster the thrilling scenes of his military life, the prominent actions of his political, and the praiseworthy deeds of his domestic life. For all these enter into the description of what he was, and what he did.

We have said that Andrew Jackson imbodied the ruling spirit of his country, and entered heart and soul into the great movement of his age. Run the eye across the history of the world. You observe that there are certain cycles, or ages, or periods of time, which have their peculiar spirit, their ruling passion, their great characterizing, distinctive movments. He, who imbodies in its greatest fullness, the spirit of such an age, and enters with most earnestness into its movements, receives the admiration of his contemporaries. They bestow their honours upon him while living, and when dead, they embalm his memory, and inurn him in their warmest affections. And why? because they see in him their own image. Because, in him is concentrated the spirit that has burned in their own bosom. Because, in him exists, in bodily form, in living flesh and blood, the spirit that gives them life and motion. The spirit of God descended upon the Saviour of the world in the form of a dove. The spirit of an age sometimes descends to future generations in the form of a man. An individual sometimes appears who becomes the dove-like incorporation of the spirit, that moves through vast masses of men. The admiration merited by him, and bestowed upon him, is in proportion to the nature, extent, and intensity, of that Spirit which finds its fulness of existence in him. The Redeemer of man, when upon the earth, was the imbodiment of the pure spirit that moves and directs all humanity in its regenerated life. Beside him, all approaches towards the imbodiment of the pure, life-giving spirit of the race, have been local, partial, imperfect. But in proportion as an individual concentrates within himself, the spirit which works through masses of men, and which moves, and should move them through the greatest cycle of time, in that proportion, he becomes entitled to their admiration and praise. William Tell, the spirit of Switzerland’s liberty existed in its fulness. Switzerland gazed—admired—roused itself at the twang of his bow, and still honours the hero. Luther was the typing out, in human form, of a spirit that circulated all over Europe. When the nations saw their image in him, they admired the man. Europe did him reverence. Nations gathered around him. Washington was the typing out, in living flesh and blood, of that burning spirit of liberty, that pervaded three millions of freemen. In him, it existed as in its dove-like imbodiment. Hamilton and Jefferson, became each the type and image of his party. Thousands saw in them the fulness of their own ideal of political perfection. Therefore Hamilton and Jefferson were admired. But why add to the muster-roll of names, to verify the truth, so widely felt, that he who gains the admiration of a nation, must be the type, the image, the imbodied spirit of the nation. The historical heavens are full of stars—but one star differeth from another star in glory. One shines brighter than its fellows, because it has more of the matter of light within it. But all who shine as the stars of history, derive their brightness from the degree of perfection in which they imbody the spirit the pervades vast aggregations of men. Because his countrymen saw their image and spirit in Andrew Jackson, they bestowed their honour and admiration upon him. Begin then, at the lowest grade of those who receive the praise of their fellow-men. Fill up the catalogue of stars. Go from the dimmest to the brightest. Advance from the village hero, upwards, and upwards, and upwards, till you arrive at the impersonation of all human perfection. Where, on such a list, would you inscribe the name,

ANDREW JACKSON.



The position of his name upon the list of honour, will depend upon the degree of perfection in which he was the image of his fellow-republicans.

Source: Benjamin M. Dusenbery, ed., Monument to the Memory of General Andrew Jackson: Containing Twenty-five Eulogies and Sermons Delivered On Occasion of His Death (Philadelphia: Walker and Gillis, 1846), pp. 281-282.

Selection 2011 - Julian Bugier

Julian Bugier

French journalist

An Ode to Wegmans

Note: The interview of the lovely and talented Kelley from Kelley's Break Room  is in, but, unfortunately, we've experienced some formatting and technical difficulties, so it won't be posted until Monday.  We are happy to say, however, that it's a great one - Kelley provided some hilarious answers and great photos - so be sure to check back on Monday. 

In the meantime, we're re-posting an LG Report profile of Wegmans, a grocery store chain in the Mid-Atlantic States. At the time this was originally posted in January of 2010, when The LG Report was averaging about 30 visitors daily, this post garnered 155 hits in a single day.  The Cult of Wegmans packs 'em in....      

A brilliant, shining beacon, brighter in the grocery universe than even the sun,
Wegmans wipes up its lame competitors like an annoying spill in Aisle One.

Its produce farm fresh and crisp; Wegmans sells the tastiest deli,
The competition’s food is old...hard...and even a tad smelly.

“I can fix the economy,” said the Prez, “I will mend ‘er,”
His smart move: making Wegmans coupons U.S. legal tender.

And so now I solemnly pledge, ashamed just a smidgeon,
That I’ve left the church; Wegmans is my new religion.
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LG has heard people say bad things about the Pope and Oprah, but he's never heard anyone say anything bad about Wegmans. 

And he's never seen Sinead O'Connor rip up a picture of a Wegmans store on Saturday Night Live.

This is a bit over the top, LG knows, but the Cult of Wegmans has a chokehold on the Mid-Atlantic region and it's time to discuss this phenomenon openly.  Specifically, LG is talking about the five states boasting Wegmans locations: New York (48), Pennsylvania (13), New Jersey (7), Virginia (6) and Maryland (1). 

Two Wegmans are planned for Massachusetts, but no construction date has been set.  Pity poor Massachusetts, being on the receiving end of a Wegmans tease.  And, even more, pity the other 44 Wegmans-less wastelands trying to pass themselves off as U.S. states.  They are Third-Worlders as far as the rest of us are concerned.

If you haven't been in a Wegmans, you can't imagine what LG is talking about, but he'll try to pull back the curtain a bit on the Wizard (only this one is real). And he'll supply some pictures. 

LG went into a New Jersey Wegmans recently for the sole purpose of getting photos for this post. He had no intention of making any purchases; he wanted nothing.  When he emerged an hour later, he wanted for nothing.

Here's the scene in a typical Wegmans produce department:

This pictue doesn't capture the full cornucopia of fresh fruits and vegetables that dance about.  They are so fresh that they seem to grow in their display crates.  Most first-timer visitors swirl in circles, wide-eyed, gaping at the extensive selection.

One of the drawbacks of being a small-time blogger, like LG, is that it can be awkward, and raise questions, when you take pictures of people and places in public for no discernible reason.   

As LG raised his camera to snap the photo above, an elderly gentleman, a dead ringer for Uncle Junior of "The Sopranos," barked at LG " Whaddaya buying the place?"

Good question.

Feeling somewhat like he had been busted by the police, LG mumbled that he had to take a picture so that he could send it to a friend.  Uncle Junior replied, "Yeah, I do that too..."  Then he walked away, convinced, it seemed, that he hadn't stumbled across somebody who was up to no good.

It's difficult to determine where to begin when describing the delight that is Wegmans.

The store has a huge selection, only the best and freshest products, competitive prices, a luxurious interior (as food stores go) and knowledgeable, nice and enthusiastic employees (37,000 of them.)  Wegmans was ranked #5 on Fortune Magazine's 2009 list of The 100 Best Companies To Work For and has been featured on the list every year since it began in 1998.  In 2005, Wegmans was #1.         

Here's what the freezer cases look like:

That's genuine imported French oak surrounding the freezer doors; it once lined the ballroom of the Palace at Versailles. 

Ok, LGI made that up, maybe he's getting a bit carried away, but if you're thinking of freezing yourself cryogenically after you die, you couldn't do better than storing your body in a Wegmans freezer.  You'd be assured of at least weekly visits from your family -- maybe twice during Super Bowl week. This could be a new product idea for Wegmans.

"Let's go say hello to Uncle Hal kids, he's hanging right next to the 'Tastes Like Delivery' DiGiorno pizzas."

The deli selection was much more impressive than depicted here.  A woman was ordering, and both she and the counter guy were looking at LG suspiciously when they saw that he was about to take their picture.  LG heard them say something about "Megan's Law," so he walked away quickly.  There's nothing worse than being thrown out of paradise.

This is a partial picture of the Wegmans prepared food buffet.  It puts Las Vegas to shame.  And those stairs in the background lead to a five-star cafe.  Or maybe Heaven.

Employees of other supermarkets shop here.

Wegmans was founded by the Wegman family in Rochester, NY in 1916 and has been continuously run by a family member.  Today, Danny Wegman is CEO and his daughter, Colleen, is the president.

It's one of the largest privately-held companies in the United States according to Forbes Magazine.

Those are some of the cold, hard facts, but, clearly, they don't convey the entire picture.

Wegmans is Babe Ruth hitting a monster homerun with a loaf of piping hot Italian bread,
Wegmans is Michael Jordan slamming down a rim-rattling dunk, with a fresh lettuce head,

Wegmans is Tiger Woods Arnold Palmer making a 50-foot putt with a USDA Grade A egg,
Wegmans is Pele faking out two defenders and blasting the winning goal with a tender turkey leg.
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By now, LG hopes you get the picture.  Wegmans Rocks.  Shop there if you ever get the chance.  Amen.
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Heal Me