Friday, December 31, 2010
LGR Investigative Report Focuses On: Dog Farts
[Note: We were going to bill this as a joint investigation between Animal Planet and The LG Report, but we figured Animal Planet would probably sue us. However, if Animal Planet now runs their own special report on Dog Farts, we'll sue them for stealing our idea. Fair warning Mr. Dog Whisperer and friends.]
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A lot of readers have e-mailed over the years asking why The LG Report hasn't done an expose on dog farts.
Fair question.
Dog farts are very seldom discussed in polite company; they're merely swept under the rug like a smelly family secret (which, when we think about it, they are.)
Well folks, it's about time to shine a spotlight on this perfectly normal act of nature.
Men, in particular, should be interested in dog farts since they serve as such a handy excuse.
Wife: "Ewww, that smell is godawful, what crawled up your butt and died?"
Husband: "It wasn't me, it was the dog!"
They say that dogs are man's best friend. That's not quite true: dog farts are a man's best friend.
Here's Jake, looking innocent shortly after unleashing Hiroshima2, his own unique dog fart.
A chemical analysis by the FBI (Fart Bureau Investigators) shows that most dog farts are a combination of the smell of feet, Limburger cheese, septic tank sludge and an NBA player's post-game underwear. Times two.
How do you think Snoopy propelled that dog house through the air?
Jake is quite the farter. If he were a professional boxer in a prior life, he would've been Gaseous Clay.
The bad news: Dog farts are like a punch in the face from Death Itself.
The good news: The dilutive effect of a lit match on a dog fart is the same as that of a human fart. So there is relief to be had.
LG's good friend Dannie studied in London years ago where his favorite pub was called The Match and Fart.
Actually, we made that up, but it's a much better moniker than the Pig and Plow, Goat and Farmer, Elephant and Castle or other such dumb English names. LG had been waiting for months to work The Match and Fart into a posting. Glad to check that off the list before 2011 begins.
Dog farts, as you canine owners know, have all the subtlety of a percussion grenade.
Sophie is pictured here shortly after letting out an SBD Fart. We know you know what that is, so don't even pretend that we have to explain. She'll frequently crop dust (i.e. fart while walking around) the house, a particularly smelly occurrence.
There's not really much more that we can say about dog farts, despite the fact that you probably thought it was a very complex topic worthy of volumes and volumes of research.
Please allow us to leave you with this Pulitzer Prize-winning poem. It's an LG Report original, but we're not claiming copyright protection. You should feel free to inscribe it on pet tombstones, throw pillows, personalized greeting cards or anywhere else where appropriate:
They say that Lassie was quite gassy,
And Snoopy always smelled like poopy,
Kids wouldn't so much love Scoobie Doo,
If they knew that he farts the odor of poo,
His cuts were so lethal that the famous Rin Tin Tin,
Had to confess his farts at church as if they were a sin,
Beer farts were the specialty of now-deceased Marley,
In fact, you'd swear all he ate throughout the day was barley,
But the most deadly farts of all, which could make you puke,
Came from the butt of that big hound known as Marmaduke.
When you woke up this morning, chances are that you didn't think you'd see the words "dog fart" in writing today. Isn't life full of wonderful surprises?!
That's today's posting friends. We're sorry if it wasn't up to our usual sophisticated standards, we just thought we'd take a break from being intellectual for a change. The LG Report will try to do better next time. We had a piece that was much more interesting prepared for you, but our dog ate it. We can't wait to find out what that will smell like..
Thanks for stopping by today. We wish all readers of The LG Report a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2011!
_____________________________________________________________
A lot of readers have e-mailed over the years asking why The LG Report hasn't done an expose on dog farts.
Fair question.
Dog farts are very seldom discussed in polite company; they're merely swept under the rug like a smelly family secret (which, when we think about it, they are.)
Well folks, it's about time to shine a spotlight on this perfectly normal act of nature.
Men, in particular, should be interested in dog farts since they serve as such a handy excuse.
Wife: "Ewww, that smell is godawful, what crawled up your butt and died?"
Husband: "It wasn't me, it was the dog!"
They say that dogs are man's best friend. That's not quite true: dog farts are a man's best friend.
A chemical analysis by the FBI (Fart Bureau Investigators) shows that most dog farts are a combination of the smell of feet, Limburger cheese, septic tank sludge and an NBA player's post-game underwear. Times two.
How do you think Snoopy propelled that dog house through the air?
Jake is quite the farter. If he were a professional boxer in a prior life, he would've been Gaseous Clay.
The bad news: Dog farts are like a punch in the face from Death Itself.
The good news: The dilutive effect of a lit match on a dog fart is the same as that of a human fart. So there is relief to be had.
LG's good friend Dannie studied in London years ago where his favorite pub was called The Match and Fart.
Actually, we made that up, but it's a much better moniker than the Pig and Plow, Goat and Farmer, Elephant and Castle or other such dumb English names. LG had been waiting for months to work The Match and Fart into a posting. Glad to check that off the list before 2011 begins.
Dog farts, as you canine owners know, have all the subtlety of a percussion grenade.
There's not really much more that we can say about dog farts, despite the fact that you probably thought it was a very complex topic worthy of volumes and volumes of research.
Please allow us to leave you with this Pulitzer Prize-winning poem. It's an LG Report original, but we're not claiming copyright protection. You should feel free to inscribe it on pet tombstones, throw pillows, personalized greeting cards or anywhere else where appropriate:
They say that Lassie was quite gassy,
And Snoopy always smelled like poopy,
Kids wouldn't so much love Scoobie Doo,
If they knew that he farts the odor of poo,
His cuts were so lethal that the famous Rin Tin Tin,
Had to confess his farts at church as if they were a sin,
Beer farts were the specialty of now-deceased Marley,
In fact, you'd swear all he ate throughout the day was barley,
But the most deadly farts of all, which could make you puke,
Came from the butt of that big hound known as Marmaduke.
When you woke up this morning, chances are that you didn't think you'd see the words "dog fart" in writing today. Isn't life full of wonderful surprises?!
That's today's posting friends. We're sorry if it wasn't up to our usual sophisticated standards, we just thought we'd take a break from being intellectual for a change. The LG Report will try to do better next time. We had a piece that was much more interesting prepared for you, but our dog ate it. We can't wait to find out what that will smell like..
Thanks for stopping by today. We wish all readers of The LG Report a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2011!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Snowpocalypse Day 3
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Blog
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LG is still enduring the effects of the Nuclear Snowlocaust at the Jersey Shore three days after it stopped snowing.
They say Eskimos have 200 different words for snow. LG wonders how many they have for shovel, backache and frostbite.
The American Medical Association should establish a maximum age, as a national standard, after which a person is prohibited from shoveling snow. If there were such a mark, LG feels strongly that he would've passed it about ten years ago.
Geo, for all of his faults (and we know many of you from various states would like to kill him), adheres to a personal policy which is looking wiser and wiser all the time.
He has, for many years, politely declined to physically help any friends who are moving, but he offers to contribute $50 towards the cost of professional movers. This might be a good policy to adopt with respect to snow shoveling, although something tells LG that MIG ("The Slave Driver") wouldn't go for it. She'd rather apply the $50 towards LG's medical bills.
See this cleared walkway? That probably took two years off LG's life. Each foot of progress required at least ten shovels full of wet-and-heavy snow. Strike up the violins...
Here's that massive snow overhang that LG tried to bring down on MIG's head with his yodelling on Monday. It's still hanging tough, even though LG fired a few snowballs at it yesterday in the hopes of causing a mini-avalanche. He stopped when the 70-year old neighbor across the street asked him what he was doing. LG didn't want to appear to be immature.
Now here's a rare photo:
It's MIG shoveling! Will wonders never cease?! She had come out to supervise LG and make sure that he didn't need another whipping for slow work. By some inexplicable miracle of nature, MIG then picked up a shovel and moved some snow! This one is going into the scrapbook....
That's it for today folks, we hope (but can't promise) that the next posting will not be snow related. Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back here again soon.
___________________________________________________________________________
LG is still enduring the effects of the Nuclear Snowlocaust at the Jersey Shore three days after it stopped snowing.
They say Eskimos have 200 different words for snow. LG wonders how many they have for shovel, backache and frostbite.
The American Medical Association should establish a maximum age, as a national standard, after which a person is prohibited from shoveling snow. If there were such a mark, LG feels strongly that he would've passed it about ten years ago.
Geo, for all of his faults (and we know many of you from various states would like to kill him), adheres to a personal policy which is looking wiser and wiser all the time.
He has, for many years, politely declined to physically help any friends who are moving, but he offers to contribute $50 towards the cost of professional movers. This might be a good policy to adopt with respect to snow shoveling, although something tells LG that MIG ("The Slave Driver") wouldn't go for it. She'd rather apply the $50 towards LG's medical bills.
See this cleared walkway? That probably took two years off LG's life. Each foot of progress required at least ten shovels full of wet-and-heavy snow. Strike up the violins...
Now here's a rare photo:
That's it for today folks, we hope (but can't promise) that the next posting will not be snow related. Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back here again soon.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
The LG Report's Funniest Video Ever (Subtitle: If This Doesn't Get Us Murdered, Nothing Will...)
It's Day Two of the Snowpocalypse at the Jersey Shore and LG is snowed in big time. See that SUV below with the partially exposed back window? LG's car is directly behind it, under that large mound of snow. Looking on the bright side, LG doesn't think his car will get stolen any time soon. He also doesn't need to waste money on one of those folding sun shields that people put in their front windows to keep the car cool. Awesome!
LG's sister, MIG, has had LG out shoveling quite a bit since yesterday. MIG has been affectionately nicknamed "MIG The Slave Driver" by LG. [That felt good to write, but it will probably cost LG five lashes across the back later, and he'll be sent to bed with no biscuit or water for dinner.]
Earlier today, MIG was standing under this humongous snow overhang, barking out orders at LG. The overhang appeared to be clinging oh-so-tentatively to the roof:
LG, in a move subconsciously inspired by an old Roadrunner cartoon, broke into a full-throated yodel in the hopes of bringing an avalanche crashing onto MIG. Alas, no luck. The good guy doesn't always win.
Now, to the meat of this post. But first, please rest assured that we are not trying to become the blogosphere's pre-eminent Doggie Door enthusiasts, this is just coincidental...
Some of you will recall that a couple of weeks ago, The LG Report featured a picture of LG's friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door. Dannie did this to win $5 from LG on a dare. Here's what it looked like:
Fast forward to today.
Those of you acquainted with MIG know that her dogs, Jake and Sophie, rate well above LG on her list of priorities. As MIG says, if the house were on fire, LG could escape on his own, so she'd tend to the dogs first.
Jake and Sophie have their own doggie door to provide direct access to MIG's backyard. There are four steps on the outside the doggie door to make it easier for Jake and Sophie to get into, and out of, the yard. When the steps are snow covered, as they were today, Jake and Sophie refuse to navigate them. They have more rights than LG, as you can see.
The two human gates to the backyard (distinctions between dog and human things need to be made frequently in MIG's house) were both wedged closed by the chest-high snowfall. The only way into the backyard to clear the precious doggie door steps was via the doggie door itself.
MIG, being the concerned and loving dog mother that she is, thought nothing of crawling through the doggie door to clear the steps for her beloved Jake and Sophie.
LG didn't have his camera handy during her exit, but here's a still photo of MIG's return:
MIG had read The LG Report post with Dannie's picture, and demanded $5 even though it had not been offered.
LG's sister, MIG, has had LG out shoveling quite a bit since yesterday. MIG has been affectionately nicknamed "MIG The Slave Driver" by LG. [That felt good to write, but it will probably cost LG five lashes across the back later, and he'll be sent to bed with no biscuit or water for dinner.]
Earlier today, MIG was standing under this humongous snow overhang, barking out orders at LG. The overhang appeared to be clinging oh-so-tentatively to the roof:
LG, in a move subconsciously inspired by an old Roadrunner cartoon, broke into a full-throated yodel in the hopes of bringing an avalanche crashing onto MIG. Alas, no luck. The good guy doesn't always win.
Now, to the meat of this post. But first, please rest assured that we are not trying to become the blogosphere's pre-eminent Doggie Door enthusiasts, this is just coincidental...
Some of you will recall that a couple of weeks ago, The LG Report featured a picture of LG's friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door. Dannie did this to win $5 from LG on a dare. Here's what it looked like:
Fast forward to today.
Those of you acquainted with MIG know that her dogs, Jake and Sophie, rate well above LG on her list of priorities. As MIG says, if the house were on fire, LG could escape on his own, so she'd tend to the dogs first.
Jake and Sophie have their own doggie door to provide direct access to MIG's backyard. There are four steps on the outside the doggie door to make it easier for Jake and Sophie to get into, and out of, the yard. When the steps are snow covered, as they were today, Jake and Sophie refuse to navigate them. They have more rights than LG, as you can see.
The two human gates to the backyard (distinctions between dog and human things need to be made frequently in MIG's house) were both wedged closed by the chest-high snowfall. The only way into the backyard to clear the precious doggie door steps was via the doggie door itself.
MIG, being the concerned and loving dog mother that she is, thought nothing of crawling through the doggie door to clear the steps for her beloved Jake and Sophie.
LG didn't have his camera handy during her exit, but here's a still photo of MIG's return:
MIG had read The LG Report post with Dannie's picture, and demanded $5 even though it had not been offered. Being an exemplary brother, LG should have probably offered to help MIG as she struggled to get back through the doggie door. Instead, LG did what you, as an LG Report reader, would have wanted him to do: he ran for his video camera.
Here now, for the first time ever, is a video of MIG squeezing her way through the doggie door. Please forgive the shaky camera work; LG is not a professional cameraman and was laughing too hard to keep the camera steady:
We hope you enjoyed our recap of Day Two of the Snowpocalypse. LG may be stranded at the Shore for a few days yet. There's still a lot of shoveling to be done before those cars can be moved, although LG may have worn out his welcome with this post.
Hopefully, MIG won't be showing LG the doggie door any time soon....
Andy Whitfield's role as a true fighter * From: The Daily Telegraph * December 28, 2010 12:00AM
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/andy-whitfields-role-as-a-true-fighter/story-e6frf96o-1225976801250
Fight of his life ... actor Andy Whitfield / Pic: Icon Source: The Daily Telegraph
Interceding prayer for you.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Snowmageddon! Snowpocalypse! Here We Go Again...
The LG Report is prepared in a peanut-free environment. Please notify your server if you have food allergies before reading The LG Report.
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As most of you know, another "Snowmaggedon/Snowpocalypse" (take your pick) is hitting the East Coast. These large snowstorms seem to be occurring with more regularity these days.
We used to call them "blizzards," back when flight attendants were stewardesses and the folliclely-challenged were merely bald.
This morning, before the snow started coming down in earnest at the Jersey Shore (where LG is visiting his sister, MIG), LG made a trip to the local supermarket to get a look at the jugheads who rush to the store in a dramatic over-reaction at the first hint of snow. Here's what he encountered at the check-out:
It was bedlam, as you can see. LG, of course, was only there for academic and blogging purposes. He wanted to get this photo to illustrate for you the ridiculous behavior of the majority of the populace. And, let's face it, you can't really combat a Snowmaggedon without Yodels for sustenance. And maybe some chocolate milk. There's a lot of shoveling to be done.
Check out these whiteout conditions. This is actually a close-up of the back window of MIG's SUV. It was the most alarming photo that LG could get at the time. Sensationalism sells.
Here's a photo from LG's dash-cam. The weather deteriorated quickly; shortly after this was snapped, the SUV pictured ahead flipped on an ice patch and spun around 3 times before bursting into flames. LG pried open the driver's door and extracted a family of four, only seconds before a massive explosion obliterated everything. LG was delayed in posting this entry because he was down at City Hall accepting a plaque and the Encrypted Password To The City (nobody gives out keys anymore.) Just a couple of additional items for the Trophy Room.
LG strikes a pose just before heading outside to battle the Snowmageddon. Everyone knows that Mother Nature can be intimidated if you shake your bare fists at her. LG was tempted to knock off a liquor store (step-by-step instructions came with the ski mask), but the Snowpocalypse would've prevented an effective getaway.
Man down, man down! The Snowmageddon temporarily got the better of LG, but he managed to stagger to his feet to complete the shoveling of MIG's one-mile long sidewalk, which, due to a freak of nature that's been documented on The Discovery Channel, goes uphill in both directions.
Another look at the Nuclear Snowlocaust. LG just made that one up; let's see if the New York Post steals it.
Discerning readers know that The LG Report is the place to go to get the latest in breaking news and weather. Forget Doppler Radar, Accu-Weather and the like; The LG Report uses the patented LG Finger Method. LG sticks his finger out the window and gets a very accurate reading of current conditions, as well as the 36-hour forecast. So, rather than consult all of those speculative, usually-wrong forecasts, just click here and allow LG to give you The Finger!
Thanks for stopping by today folks, we hope to see you back here again soon.
_________________________________________________________________
As most of you know, another "Snowmaggedon/Snowpocalypse" (take your pick) is hitting the East Coast. These large snowstorms seem to be occurring with more regularity these days.
We used to call them "blizzards," back when flight attendants were stewardesses and the folliclely-challenged were merely bald.
This morning, before the snow started coming down in earnest at the Jersey Shore (where LG is visiting his sister, MIG), LG made a trip to the local supermarket to get a look at the jugheads who rush to the store in a dramatic over-reaction at the first hint of snow. Here's what he encountered at the check-out:
Discerning readers know that The LG Report is the place to go to get the latest in breaking news and weather. Forget Doppler Radar, Accu-Weather and the like; The LG Report uses the patented LG Finger Method. LG sticks his finger out the window and gets a very accurate reading of current conditions, as well as the 36-hour forecast. So, rather than consult all of those speculative, usually-wrong forecasts, just click here and allow LG to give you The Finger!
Thanks for stopping by today folks, we hope to see you back here again soon.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Leave a message for Andy ..maybe he will even pop in and read it.
Leave a message for Andy and I will post it beneath this pic..maybe he will even pop in and read it. :)
"I have a feeling that the gods are not through with you yet. Ok that was lame and i'm sure you're tired of it, but you get the idea. :) " ~frenzyenzy
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