The Interview Series Goes International: Carol From England Takes The Hot Seat!

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined That Reading The LG Report May Be Hazardous To Your Ribs.  Seriously.  The Surgeon General is not the type to kid around.   

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The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series has been a huge ratings hit all over the internet, surpassing Yahoo! in total hits on January 14th.  Consequently, readers worldwide have been clamoring for its expansion into other countries.   Here's a sampling of feedback we've received from some foreign leaders:

Fidel Casto, President, Cuba:  "Please interview me senor, I'm not dead yet, but I probably don't have a lot of time."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President, Iran: "You went to the trouble of Googling my name to spell it correctly, you might as well interview me now you American swine.  I promise not to deny the Holocaust anymore.  I'm really not a nut.  Not compared to the guy in North Korea anyway."  
   
Hosni Mubarak, President, Egypt: "Wait, don't interview me yet, I'm the only person in my country with internet access.  Go interview someone else and I'll let you know when it's back up." 

Hu Jintao, President, People's Republic of China: "我爱LG Report kicks ass 的报告，这是有史以来最好的博客！"

Based on the above feedback, we've conducted an exhaustive international search and have chosen an Englishwoman to be our first foreign interviewee.  We are proud to present Carol, author of the very entertaining blog Facing 50 With Humour  (click on the blog name and take a gander at Carol's excellent work, you won't be disappointed.)  So, as they say in jolly Old England, let's have at it, shall we?  
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The LG Report:  Carol, here at The LG Report we speak only American.  We know you're from England/Britain/The U.K. and speak primarily English, but would you mind conversing in American for the purposes of this interview?  Also, where should we say you're from: England, Britain or the United Kingdom?  We find that very confusing. 

Carol: Crikey (Darn) it’s going to be dash (very) difficult for me to stop speaking this way and start dropping my ‘u’s everywhere but I’ll try and translate where appropriate. Good evening LG, ladies and gentlemen (Howdy folks!)

Normally when asked I say I’m from the UK but when people look confused about that I say ‘I’m from Eeeengland’ (normally spoken loudly, patronizingly and slowly to anyone from Europe). When they still look blankly at me I say ‘Like David Beckham’ and they all start nodding wisely or say ‘Manchester United’ and grin.

The LG Report: Out of all the countries in the world Carol, why did you choose to be born in England?

Carol as a German child (artist's rendition)

Carol: Ha ha! Trick question. I spotted that straight away. I wasn’t born in England. I was born in Germany. My mother suddenly realized when on holiday that she wasn’t suffering from indigestion as she thought but was having a baby. She happened to be in Germany at the time and conveniently near a hospital. I arrived efficiently and promptly on time, as you do over there.

The LG Report:  Who do you hate more, the French or the Germans?

Carol:  Can I just put a little positive spin on the question? Who do I prefer, the French or the Germans? Now if we are talking about ‘frogs legs’ versus ‘Bratwurst sausages’ or ‘Peugeot’ cars versus ‘Mercedes’ then I prefer the Germans. ‘Chateauneuf du Pape’ versus ‘Riesling’ then I certainly prefer the French. If, however, you mean naughty French maid outfit versus tight ‘Lederhosen’ with leather bib then you’d have to ask my husband which one he likes me in best!

The LG Report:  What's the single best tourist attraction for readers of The LG Report to visit when they're in your country?

Cheese rolling (really!)

Carol: Forget London. Forget all the famous stately homes and National Trust sites. Forget the steam engine trains that roll through beautiful green country side or hill climbing in the Peak District Park - you need to visit the Historic Event of Cheese-Rolling that is held each year at Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire. People come from all over the world to roll cheese down a 1:2 gradient slope. There’s even a cheese-rolling app for the iPhone

The LG Report:  If you had to pick one food to symbolize all of England, which food would it be and why?

Carol:   Most people would probably say ‘fish, chips and mushy peas’ but actually it’s been discovered that our national dish is curry due to all the Indian restaurants that have grown up over the decades. So I guess it’s ‘curry, chips and mushy peas’ now. (To be accompanied by copious amounts of lager.)  Personally I’d rather opt for ‘Yorkshire pudding’ just because it isn’t, as you would suspect, a pudding. You don’t even have it for desert. It’s a cooked batter that you serve for Sunday lunch with roast beef and gravy. Apparently there’s an art to cooking them but as I’m hopeless in the kitchen I get mine readymade and shove them in the oven to heat up.

Prince Charles passing gas.

The LG Report: We would imagine you know Prince Charles personally, from riding the bus to work or maybe from seeing him whilst doing your weekly shopping down at the Sainsbury's.  What's he like in person?   

Carol: Oh yes, I’m sure I saw him in the ‘fruit and veg’ aisle last week talking to a stick of celery expressing concern that it was a bit limp. Actually he’s a member of our local famous hunt (People who wear red coats, sit on horses, say ‘Haw, haw, haw’ a lot, blow a hunting bugle and chase foxes. Actually they can’t chase foxes any more so I’m not sure what they are after when they charge off on their gee gees (=horses- pronounced jee jees).

PC is very friendly especially if you stand in a plant pot with a bit of greenery on your head. He’ll talk to you for hours.

The LG Report: We all know that England only won the World Cup once, in 1966 (you're too young to remember that Carol!)  Would you and/or your husband rather see England win the next World Cup or would you rather have hunger eliminated from the face of the Earth forever? 

Carol: Of course all Brits want England to win. Each and every Brit gets incredibly patriotic about the World Cup. The footage of 1966 is dragged out year after year lest we forget the glory that was once ours. It’s a Brit pastime to live in hope and drive around with hundreds of little Union Jacks flags adorning our cars and go down the local pub to watch every match until our team gets booted out of the Cup. We grumble (=complain) for a while and all watch to make sure the Germans don’t win the tournament, waving our scarves when they finally get defeated then undeterred we start building up enthusiasm and hope for the next World Cup. We continue to drive around with the flags on our cars until they blow off. 

I always cheer for the Germans and hide in my house until the World Cup is over.

The LG Report:  LG's friend Elaine's family comes from England, although they live in the United States now.  Their surname is Dobson.  Do you know them?   England can't be that big...

Carol: Do you mean Chip and Pammy Dobson? What a coincidence! They live over the road. We meet them every Thursday in Starbucks. Talking of which I understand we’ll soon be able to buy coffee there by the liter. (Have I spelt that properly? I’ve changed my keyboard to American and now I can’t remember how to spell in English). I can’t wait to see how many of those it will take before my husband is so hyper I’ll have to shut him in a darkened room.

The LG Report:   The Beatles, Elton John, The Rolling Stones, The Police and Madonna. Of these British musical acts, which do you like most?  [Editor's Note: We know that Madonna is really an American pretending to be British with her faux English accent, that's the whole point of the question, to humiliate her when she clicks in.  Shhh...]

Carol:   I have a sneaking admiration for ‘Madge’- yes, she even changed her name so she’d blend in here in the UK. She’s goes down a storm at the pub on Karaoke nights.

The Wombles

However I don’t listen to these bands much after all what could be better than Brit bands and great songs like ‘Remember you’re a Womble’ by the Wombles, ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’ by the Wurzels or ‘Rabbit’ by Chas and Dave (check them out on YouTube) ?

The LG Report:  According to the BBC, the only thing that can make the guards at Buckingham Palace laugh or smile while on duty is reading The LG Report.  What would you say, Carol, to make those stiff gentlemen laugh if you had only one line to use?  

Carol: As a general rule I try not to annoy stern looking men carrying automatic rifles and bayonets and wearing furry hats.

The LG Report:  What's the single best thing about living in England?

Carol: The airport isn’t far away from the house so I can get on a plane frequently and go away.

The LG Report:  We assume you know a bit about America.  If you had to live in one place in America for a year, where would it be and why?

Carol's American neighbor.

Carol: After extensive research I’ve decided I would like to live either in Wisteria Lane (I don’t know where that is exactly but you clearly have some great shops nearby looking at how those women on ‘Desperate Housewives’ are dressed) or ‘Springfield’(not the one in Illinois). I’m a little concerned as to why everyone there is yellow though…do they get lots of sun?

The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, an internet and blogging phenomenon here in the States.  During every interview session, we ask the interviewee how they'd kill off Geo if he came to visit them.  If Geo visited you in England, how would you murder him?  Please choose one of the answers below -- or add your own:

1. I'd serve him some of the local pub food.

2. I'd loan him my car and tell him do drive on the right side of the road, just as he does in America.

3.  I'd sit him smack dab in the middle of thousands of screaming Manchester United fans at Old Trafford dressed in an Arsenal jersey.

4.  Other: ________________________

Carol:   I misread that at first and thought you said Neo. Neo from ‘The Matrix’ no! You can’t kill him. I love him. I’d like all of the above but my cunning plan would be to lock him in the kitchen with my party loving Mother and her home made wine for a night. He’d never come out alive. Well, if he makes it out alive he’ll be completely pickled (=drunk) for months.

The LG Report:  Please complete this sentence:  The British are the best in the world at _______________________.

Carol: Moaning about the weather.

The LG Report:  Other than any place in the United Kingdom, what's your favourite (notice the spelling, we're speaking your language now!) country in Europe and why?

Carol: Switzerland. I’ve heard they have mountains made out of chocolate.

The LG Report:   How do you like what we've done with your colonies? 

Carol: History – eek! I’m not very good at history. It’s always my downfall in ‘Trivia Pursuits’. We have colonies? I had to ask my husband. He thought we still ‘owned’ the Turks and Caicos, Cayman Islands and Bermuda but bet that the Americans had probably sneakily taken them over and erected several KFCs and McDonalds restaurants to mark their territory. In which case, yes, you’re doing a great job. I’m just mad about McFlurries.  [Editor's Note: We were inquiring about America, formerly British Colonies, but we liked Carol's answer so much that we didn't bother clarifying our original question for her.]

The LG Report:  In billiards, when you put spin on the ball it's referred to as "English."  Why do you think that is?  Do English people experience a spinning sensation frequently?   

Carol:   In outmoded French slang a condom is called ‘un capot anglais’ (an English cap) so do you think there could be some cricketing link?

Thank you enormously for inviting me here today. I feel very humble to be you first transatlantic guest and hope that you’ll welcome me back another time.  Don’t forget to look me up if you or your wonderful followers are in the UK. You’ll find me in the telephone directory or just ask at any local pub. They’ll know where to find me.

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That's it for today folks.  Thanks again to Carol, the Englishwoman behind Facing 50 With Humour,  a terrific read. We appreciate Carol's appearance here (getting through airport security is never easy these days) and we hope you'll all stop in at Facing 50 With Humour soon to check out her work.  

Carol, you're a great sport, and we thank you for your support, of The LG Report! [We're a poet, don't you know it?!]

We hope to see everyone back here at The LG Report again soon.  

Oh, and if you sign up to follow The LG Report within the next 24 hours, Karma will bring a significant reward into your life.  Seriously, the Surgeon General guarantees it, and he doesn't kid around, as you may have read that somewhere.    Cheers!

Selection 2011 - Amaury Nolasco

Classement 2010 - 93° / Classement 2009 - 79°

World Ending Soon; Clean Underwear Advised

Warning: Contents under pressure, do not puncture.  Please dispose of properly. 
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Here's a minor news item that you may have missed: The world is going to end on May 21, 2011.

LG knows this is true, because he saw the sign below in the Lexington Avenue Subway stop under Grand Central Station yesterday:





















 




Surely New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority doesn't allow untrue signs in subway stops.

This is Earth exploding.  It looks like it will hurt.
And probably be uncomfortably hot.  Dress lightly.

Further, the good people at FamilyRadio.com wouldn't lie to us, would they?

If we were talking about SingleDrifterWithNoJobRadio.com maybe it would be suspect.  And, certainly,  HomelessGuyWithADrugHabitRadio.com would lack credibility.  But not good ole FamilyRadio.com.






So where does this leave us?  Here are some thoughts:  

• May 21st is the birthday of LG's sister MIG.  He's already informed her that he's not buying her a present until May 22nd.  No sense wasting money, especially at a time like that.

This chap is no doubt going monkey.

• Make sure that you're wearing clean underwear on May 21st; you never know what Heaven's admission criteria will be.  LG guesses that people lacking underwear (i.e. going "commando," "monkey" or "free ballin'") need not apply for the eternal reward.  "If thou junk hangeth pell mell, be ye condemned straight to Hell."  [LG just made that up, it's not in the Bible.  Fooled you.]

• The good news is that the ancient Mayans predicted that the world wouldn't end until Decemeber 21, 2012 so we might have more time than FamilyRadio.com thinks.  If we get past May 21, 2011, LG  advises wearing clean underwear on December 21, 2012 also.  We won't go so far, however, as to recommend wearing clean underwear everyday, that's a bit extreme, especially for you commandos out there.

This has nothing to do with the coming Apocalypse. 
It was just meant to scare you in a general way.

• The band REM will be in big demand on May 20th to play their hit "It's The End of the World As We Know It."  Our understanding is that it's currently the #1 requested song on FamilyRadio.com.

• Only a fool would get a colonoscopy or visit their mother-in-law on May 20th. 

  




 

• When asked what he would do if he knew the world would be ending shortly, young Henry, who can be seen in THE VIDEO CLIP ON THIS POST smashing cake into his own face, said he'd throw a butcher knife off the 9th floor balcony in his NYC apartment without concern for anyone below.  OK, at least he has a plan.

And if you accidentally forget to wear clean underwear on May 21st, don't worry, it's not the end of the world.  Oh, wait, sorry, it is....our bad. 

We invite you to leave a comment, if you are so moved. to tell us what you'll do in advance of the world ending on May 21st.  Comment today, don't put it off until May 22nd! 

Scoff at us now, but if the world really ends on that date, The LG Report will have had the last laugh -- and don't think we won't rub it in!
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Big news: Our next installment of The LG Report's 50-State Intervew Series goes overseas to check in with Carol from England.  Technically, England is not one of the 50 U.S. States, but since it used to own us, it sorta counts.  We're expanding our horizons, so just back off and enjoy, you only have until May 21st!

We look forward to having you stop back again soon.  

Selection 2011 - Jeff Tomsik

No classement 2010 / Classement 2009 - 96°

More Saving, More Doing, More Cliches: Home Depot

For your protection, readers of The LG Report are under video surveillance at all times.  Yes, that includes you, the one in the bunny pajamas.  But not you in the adult diapers, we turned your camera off.
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LG recently had to visit his local Home Depot to get some wood.  Why?  Good question.



You may remember Sophie, also known as Lucifer's Dog.  If you don't believe she's Lucifer's Dog (By the way, LG is not typing the bold-face and italics, that's happening by itself), look at this picture:
 

Clearly, that's the Green Eye of Evil, as chronicled in the Bible's Book of Narnia.  Don't stare too long, you'll turn into a pillar of salt substitute.  She's a healthy Lucifer's Dog.  

Anyway, for some inexplicable reason, at 18 months old, Sophie has suddenly decided that she isn't comfortable climbing "open" stairs that have no backing (or "risers.")   On many nights, Sophie will remain in the backyard, looking up from the bottom of the doggie door steps, while her owner, MIG, beckons her inside.

Eventually, Sophie will climb the stairs, reluctantly, like a chocolate chip cookie trying to sneak past Kirstie Alley.


So LG had to get some wood to close off the back of the stairs.  He took measurements, just like a real carpenter would, only using his patented Half-Assed Method.  Real carpenters live by the motto: "Measure twice, cut once."  LG goes by "Take your best guess, and save the receipt."   

Below is what the lumber section looks like at Home Depot.  You have your pine, maple, oak, cedar, synthetic compressed, particle board... that's about the extent of LG's wood knowledge.  Some of that might not actually be right either, so don't rely on it.  If you're building your house based upon recommendations from The LG Report, you have bigger problems anyway.   
 

LG didn't snap a photo of the accommodating gentleman who helped him.  Many of the Home Depot employees these days are angry ex-CEOs and investment bankers, so you don't want to piss them off.  They're just looking for an excuse to pop somebody, and taking their picture is plenty good enough.

Here's what this gentleman's more approachable co-worker looked like:    

Long story short (LG knows, you're saying "Already too late..."), LG "fixed" the stairs (in the loosest sense of the word) and Sophie seems to be a bit better about coming inside now. 

Home Depot is certainly no Walmart when it comes to people watching, but LG couldn't resist commenting on these photos: 

Is it just LG, or does anyone else see the subliminal sexual message here as this harlot tries to lure men into buying a faucet? 

It's just LG?  Oh, OK, we were afraid that might be the case.  Never mind.

This photo depicts the Home Depot that was specially built on the grounds of the Neverland Ranch in California.

When he asked her to walk down the aisle with him, she didn't realize it was Aisle 27, Cleaning Supplies.

Other than a bride and groom, there's not much else unusual in this photo.  Unless you count that caveman on the left.  He got laid off from GEICO and is just waiting to be fitted for his orange apron.       

Finally, here's a shot of LG driving home with his wood purchase.  He bought a little extra just in case his measurements were off:

Thanks for stopping by, and please come back soon.  If we didn't offend you today, we'll try harder next time...

And remember, The LG Report: More Savings, More Laughing!


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'Spartacus' Prequel Debuts to Big Numbers on Starz
The Flickcast
by Chris Ullrich, Jan 25 2011 // 8:00 AM Even though the show just wasn't the same without Andy Whitfield as Spartacus (although he did make a small cameo) ...

McDonald's: LISTEN UP!

[Editor's Note: This is a re-post of an LG Report that first appeared on January 8, 2010 -- but only  Marilu Henner remembers that.  The LG Report has never before re-posted, but now we're hitting the big-time and mimicking all of the other wildly successful blogs.  However, to add a twist, we're editing (and improving upon) the original piece a bit.  Special thanks to The LG Report's Southeastern Marketing Manager, Jill, who suggested this re-post in the first place.]    


Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful

Granted, that headline might be a tad dramatic -- and not quite accurate. Considering that McDonald's has 31,000 locations in 118 countries, LG begrudgingly concedes that it might be successful already. Their restaurants serve about 58 million people a day. Not bad. LG wouldn't mind having that many daily hits on The LG Report.

Before LG goes further, yes, yes, we know, you never eat at McDonald's. Just like you don't shop at Target. Neither does LG.  Let's proceed under that pretense, but please read on anyway...

This is a McDonald's, for those of you who don't know what one looks like, since you don't eat there.  LG bets your kids would recognize it. And LG thinks you would recognize it under different circumstances, like, say, if you were drunk at 3 a.m. In fact, you might even climb into the drive-thru window if you thought your Big Mac was being unnecessarily delayed.

This particular McDonald's is on Fulton Street in Manhattan. None of those people gave LG permission to take their picture, but their backs are to the camera, so screw 'em.

Do you remember little ole Clara Peller, the woman who screamed "Where's the beef?!!" in 1980s Wendy's commercials?  If Clara, who, LG believes, ate too much beef and died of colon cancer a while back, were here today to bellow her signature line, LG's response would be:

"The beef's right here and it's between LG and McDonald's!!!!" (We went with four exclamation points to show extreme anger and frustration...)

Allow LG to explain. Calmly, we promise.

The "Green Revolution" is everywhere. All of America, and the world, really, wants to be "green" and environmentally friendly.  It's hip, cool, stylish, in vogue.  Green is definitely "in." 

Save The Earth, It's The Only One We Have. 

Think Globally, Act Locally.

You've seen the t-shirts.  When in doubt, live your life according to t-shirt slogans.

LG came up with an excellent "green" idea that could save McDonald's millions of dollars. Literally, millions of dollars.  Maybe gadzillions even. And it would be good for the Earth.  It would also promote McDonald's image as a "green company," something that all businesses crave. Additionally, McDonalds' customers would feel like they're doing their part to help the environment.  Making your customers feel good is smart business. Did we mention that The LG Report has the highest average reader I.Q. of any blog in the internet?  But you probably knew that already since you're so smart.


This is a win/win/win/win idea all the way around.  LG could've added more "/wins" to that sentence, but we didn't want to exaggerate. It's a four-way win, at least, believe us. 

And LG's fee for bringing this great idea to McDonald's: NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.  LG doesn't want a dime, he just wants to help the environment and stop waste.

Now to the idea (sometimes LG gets carried away with the build-up.)


If you purchase a "meal" at McDonald's, you'll get something resembling this:

Notice the big and bulky cardboard French fry box. Ironically, the soda cup contains a statement saying that McDonald's is working to reduce paper waste. LIARS!


LG'S IDEA: Give customers who are eating on premises the option of having their French fries placed directly into the top of the burger box. Simple.


By doing this, McDonald's would: 1) save the cost of a French fry box; 2) reduce landfill waste; 3) reduce the number of trees cut down to make French fry boxes; and 4) produce a myriad of other benefits, such as reducing the number of boxes of supplies that must be trucked around the country, thereby saving fuel.


The benefits to McDonald's and the Earth are plentiful. And the customer would feel good about saving a fry box from the eco-system. McDonald's could create a clever phrase for ordering this way. For example, "I'll have the eco-friendly number four meal." Or "I'll have a number six meal. LG Report style."  Hey, just a suggestion.


LG is sure that McDonald's has an army of advertising and marketing people who can figure something out. LG can't do everything for them.


Here's what an eco-friendly Green Meal would look like:

Folks, that's not an artist's rendition, that's an actual Green Meal as photographed by The LG Report. Astute readers may notice a few fries missing. We're sure they fell out in the bag; LG certainly didn't eat them.


Burp. Ok, you got LG again.


You would think that the McDonald's Corporation would be eager to solicit innovative ideas like this from customers...err, we mean bloggers. Again, LG doesn't eat there.

Well guess what...if you thought that, you'd be WRONG!


On the McDonald's website and you'll find a Frequently Asked Questions link. When you click on it, here's one of the questions you'll see: 


1. How do I share an idea with McDonald's about a new product, service, promotional concept or other innovation that I believe would benefit McDonald's?


In what can only be termed a perfect example of American corporate stupidity, when you click on that link, you're advised:





Translation: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't understand!"


Why in the world wouldn't McDonald's just say "We don't accept outside suggestions" on the FAQ page? By luring people into a link that shoots them down, they're just creating more ill will. 


If McDonald's were in the Corporate America playpen, it would be the company eating its crayons. Super-sized crayons.



McDonald's website says that the company uses packaging to enhance their image and get their message across to consumers. Meanwhile, millions of French fry boxes are being needlessly manufactured and discarded, killing trees and burdening landfills. Is Mayor McCheese aware of this excessive waste?


LG is going to boycott McDonald's!


Unless, of course, he's really hungry and it's convenient at the time. But he'll definitely ask the counter person to put the fries in the burger box lid.  Somewhere, a tree will thank LG.  Or a branch anyway.

Selection 2011 - Aden Jaric

Liam McIntyre Speaks About Playing Spartacus

Liam McIntyre Speaks About Playing Spartacus

Andy Whitfield Attacking Cancer like a True Champion

Spartacus Gods of the Arena Premiere

Many watched the 'Spartacus Gods of the Arena' premiere with engaging anticipation and for most there was a void of Andy being absent from it. 

Andy stay strong, remain determined and know that many prayers are with you.

It can be strange how we go through our lives in rush-fervent mode and never look around to who or what is around us.

Breath, we sometimes tell ourselves. Enjoy this very moment and smile.

So we do, feeling better. A little lighter and carry on with our day

A favorite saying, "Love when hated, laugh when crying and try not to take this life too seriously or you'll scream" ~me.

Indeed.

Remember our journey as an adventurous one. A moment in time when we slow our hurry, breath deeply, love, laugh and in life, remain truly triumphant.

"Spartacus" creator: Andy Whitfield fighting disease "like a true champion" | AHN

"Spartacus" creator: Andy Whitfield fighting disease "like a true champion" | AHN

The 50-State Interview Series Lassos Miss Yvonne in Texas!

Today, The LG Report straps on its......spurs (what did you think, pig?!) and rides its trusty steed down to the Lone Star State to interview the incomparable Miss Yvonne, writer of the wildly popular, and very funny, Yo Mama's Blog. 

As regular readers of The LG Report (and even the constipated ones) know, this is just the latest in our on-going series of state interviews.  We've already covered Arizona,  California, Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maine, Minnesota, Montana, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. 

Curiously, three of our interviewees to date, including Miss Yvonne and Kate, have been Minnesota natives, but only one, Pearl, still lives there.  There must be something in the snow, ice or hotdishes up there that inclines one towards blogging.    

Without further delay (if you can really consider LG's witty repartee to be "delay"), we present Miss Yvonne:

Let's Hope They Don't Sue Us  For Using Their Logo

Ms. Yvonne Did Not Make This Monkey

The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne,  you write the highly-acclaimed blog "Yo-Mama’s Blog," (subtitled “I don’t make monkeys  I just train ‘em”) which has over 500 followers and can be accessed by clicking HERE.  How did you come up with that name?  TMZ inferred recently that you might indeed be responsible for making some monkeys.

Miss Yvonne:   Despite what you might have read on TMZ, those damn dirty liars are incorrect.  I have never made any monkeys.  Yo Mama’s Blog appeared to me in a dream involving Harry Connick Jr., a rolling donut and some dental floss.  I won’t go into details here because of the delicate content of the dream, but let’s just say that I totally made that part up and the real (boring) story is that I thought it would be a funny blog title.  The subtitle is taken from the best and greatest movie ever made in the entire history of the world, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. 

The LG Report:  We see from your blog profile that you live at DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth Airport, we believe that means) in Texas.  Do you live in one specific part of the airport or do you “keep moving” as the security guards might say?

She Does Not, In Fact, Live Here

Miss Yvonne:  I like to camp out under the terminal overpasses for fun sometimes.  But I don’t actually live AT the airport.  I live in one of the suburbs of Dallas.   I’d tell you which one, but I don’t need another stalker.  Unless you bring cake.  If you bring cake, I will totally let you stalk me because ohmygod cake is my favorite word ever.  Cake.  Cake cake cake.  So happy.

The LG Report:  Yo Mama’s Blog could be construed as an aggressive or insulting name in certain parts of the country.  What does it signify in Texas?  Is it a term of endearment? 

Miss Yvonne:  Well, that’s me in a nutshell…aggressive and insulting.  Which fits because most everything in Texas can be construed as aggressive or insulting by some parts of the country as well.   I use the phrase “your mom” excessively in my daily life.  I find that it covers a wide range of insults that I can’t think of a better comeback for. 

The LG Report:  Do you think that Texas will ever rejoin the United States of America or will it remain an independent republic under President Rick Perry?

Miss Yvonne:   Well, since I’m actually from Minnesota, have only lived in Texas for 11 years and consider myself to be quite liberal and democratic, I can’t really say many nice things about Rick Perry.  He has good posture.  That’s about it. 

Unless You Want A Boot Up Yer Ass Pardner

The LG Report:  Why shouldn't we "mess with Texas" as all of those t-shirts, bumper stickers and beer can coozies (you know, those foam rubber beer can holders; we're not sure what they’re officially called...) tell us?   What's Texas gonna do to us? 

Miss Yvonne:  Probably put a boot in yer ass, if Toby Keith or half of my husband’s relatives have anything to say about it. 

The LG Report:  What's your favorite thing about living in Texas?

Miss Yvonne:  Definitely the wildflowers that grow here in the spring.  You haven’t seen beautiful until you’ve been in Texas in April.  Yep, definitely the wildflowers.  And also the margaritas.  Because duh. 

The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne, we've all heard the Texas phrase "All hat and no cowboy."  Can you explain this to us and/or give us an example of someone who is all hat and no cowboy?

Miss Yvonne:  Hell if I know what that means.  My guess is it has something to do with penises.   As in “that guy is all sock-stuffed-in-his-jeans and no big-genitals.”   I’m probably right.  I usually am.   

The LG Report:  What secret tourist attraction, unknown to readers of The LG Report, would you recommend to first-time visitors to the Republic of Texas?

Miss Yvonne:  The basement of The Alamo.   

The LG Report:  Have you ever fired a rifle at a Native American while riding a horse?  This is a New Yorker's view of daily life in Texas in case you're wondering.

Miss Yvonne:  Only once.  But in my defense, it was for charity. 

The LG Report:  Have you ever stood up and flipped over a poker table in the backroom of a saloon right before firing your six-shooter into the ceiling when you felt someone was cheating at cards?  No doubt a chunk of plaster and powder landed on your hat. 

This sign is not necessary in the other 49 states.

Miss Yvonne:  Who doesn’t?  I’m proud to say that I only accidentally shot the piano player three times.   That hooker was on purpose. 

The LG Report:  When was the last time that you actually said “Yo Mama!” to someone?  Please describe the circumstance in English, not Texan.

Miss Yvonne:  I prefer to describe it in Minnesotan….

Oh yah, so this morning I was at the gas station and dontcha know this funny lookin’ fella pulled up next to me and yelled that I was taking too long fill up my car?  Well, I just yelled back at the fella that I would be done when I was good and ready to be.  Yah , I sure did.  And the fella said if I wasn’t careful he’d bump my rear end out of the way.   So I told the fella “Oh yah?  Your mom bumps my rear end!  Yah!  You betcha she does!”. 

The LG Report:  Now we come to everyone's favorite part of the interview, where we kill off Geo locally.  We know you don't know Geo, but to know him is to want to kill him.  He shops too much and is a picky eater.  If Geo galloped into Texas on his steed, how would you knock him off:

a.  Bring him to Texas Motor Speedway to watch a NASCAR race and tell him "it's safe to cross" as you push him in front of a speeding car (preferably not Dale, Jr.'s because we want him to win);

b.  Fill his back pockets with very tasty cattle feed and then bring him onto the field at a University of Texas football game and watch Bevo, the Longhorns' mascot, fatally gore Geo in an attempt to get at the goodies;

c.  Meet him at DFW Airport and when he gets off the plane simply shoot him in the face at the gate because in Texas it's legal to shoot New Yorkers; or

d.  Feel free to come up with your own Texas-style murder.

Miss Yvonne:  I choose d:  I’d take him to a bar in any small town in Texas and yell “This guy is an illegal immigrant, loves homosexuals and gun control, doesn’t believe in God and thinks stem cell research is the best invention since abortion!” 

The LG Report:  They say "Everything's bigger in Texas."  Is there something in Texas that you wish weren't bigger?

Miss Yvonne:  My ass.

The LG Report:  Do you feel any responsibility for the Dallas Cowboys stinkin’ up the joint this year?    

Miss Yvonne:   I wish I could take responsibility!  America’s team?  Bitch, please. 

This Applies to The LG Report.  We Are Bad Asses!

The LG Report:  The LG Report loves Chuck Norris, also known as "Walker, Texas Ranger" [although we knew his spin-off series, "Walker, Rhode Island Ranger" was doomed to failure.]

We're sure you're familiar with Chuck's numerous superhuman feats.  He once won a major blog award by merely punching a keyboard and walking away.  Please tell us what Chuck Norris superhuman feat has impressed you the most.  Hopefully one that you personally witnessed. 

Miss Yvonne:  True story: my husband used to work at the helicopter airport where they filmed some of the Walker, Texas Ranger scenes.  His close proximity to Chuck Norris was the only reason I married him.  

Miss Yvonne, thanks for welcoming us onto your ranch down here in Texas for this interview, it's been a pleasure.  We're sure you have to go repair the north forty or something (we don't know exactly what that means, but we know it has import in Texas) so we'll let you run.

And don't forget folks, you should check out Miss Yvonne's very funny and cool creation, Yo Mama’s Blog , if you're in the mood for an entertaining read.

We hope to see you back here again soon!

Spartacus' exec drops season two hints

Wednesday, January 19 2011, 7:16am EDT

By Morgan Jeffery, TV Reporter

© Starz

Spartacus: Blood and Sand creator Steven S. DeKnight has dropped hints about the show's second season.

He told TV Guide that the new thirteen-part run will be "a hell of a ride".

"The only juice I'll give you is that it's extra sweet," he teased. "We're actually about halfway through figuring out [the season]."

DeKnight added that he will be "deeply saddened" to enter production on the season without original star Andy Whitfield.

"He was a huge part of the show's success," he said. "We wish him the best and a speedy recovery."

He further explained that Whitfield's replacement Liam McIntyre had been found after "an exhaustive search".

"[We needed] somebody not to replace Andy but to step into the role of Spartacus," he explained. "We feel very fortunate that we were able to find Liam, who we felt really embodied everything we were looking for in the character looking forward."

Production on the next season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand is expected to begin this spring.

Selection 2011 - Jared Prudoff