Selection 2010 - Jonathan Waud

MIG's Memorial Day 2010 BBQ in Pictures

My sister, MIG, held her annual Memorial Day barbecue yesterday at the Jersey Shore.  The weather cooperated and we had a great crowd, although not all invitees could attend.  My cousin Alexandra commented that my interview posts are too long, so in the spirit of paying attention to readers' comments, I won't belabor the lead-in here.  I'll just post the pix and let you get the feel for what you may have missed (or replay the day for those of you who were there...)  Enjoy! 

And feel free to post a comment, "Like" The LG Report on Facebook, and/or follow LazarusNYC on Twitter (getting all the commercials in here...)  Without further adieu...

Abby and Athena smile for the camera.  In ten years these beautiful girls will be making boys cry, no doubt.

Cousin Alexandra, a REAL housewife of New Jersey, flashes her million dollar smile.  I was going to say something nice about her until she said that The LG Report's state interviews are too long.  Sorry.

Cousin Alexandra also commented that The LG Report contains "too much Geo."  Hard to argue with her on that one, although she's busted indulging in a little Geo herself in this shot.  Note Geo's t-shirt.  Nice job Geo, keep pandering and we'll keep posting pictures of you despite Alexandra's protests. 

Alexis and Abby show off the tattoos that LG gave them at the end of the night.  In years past, LG used temporary tatts, but this year he figured out how to give permanent tattoos.  Shhh...the parents don't know yet!

Alexis, Athena and Abby enjoy some balloons.  This photo was taken using the exclusive LG Deck Cam from above.

Bea, Michelle and Gail enjoy some alcoholic beverages at the barbecue.  Since the legal drinking age in New Jersey is 21, these girls can only get their booze at social events until they become old enough to drink legally in bars.


Chris, from Toledo, and Ron, from somewhere underground near the center of the Earth, mug for the camera.

Denver, Alfred, Abby and David enjoy the deck which LG slaved for hours to clean and set up meticulously.  YOU'RE ALL WELCOME PEOPLE!!!

This is cousin Emilio. If you can't afford a guard dog, print out this picture and post it around the perimeter of your property to keep intruders away.  Emilio would normally be sacked out on a  couch watching NASCAR on a Saturday afternoon, but he decided he needed a less intellectually-challenging pursuit for the afternoon.  And you thought the Jersey Devil was just a myth....

Abby, Jimmie and Sophie couldn't be at the barbecue, so they e-mailed this photo while wearing LG-endorsed rubber teeth.  Oh, wait, those are Jimmie's real teeth.  His nose, however, is believed to be fake however...or are the ears fake?

Joe, wearing a battery-powered neon pastel shirt that also purportedly comes in a men's style, is seen posing with his granddaughter   daughter wife Mary. 

Little Rosie is quite the cutie, there's no denying...

Buddy (left) and the Baddest Man on the Planet, Sergeant Dizard, are pictured enjoying a conversation.  Sergeant Dizard once punched Chuck Norris so hard that they almost had to rename his show "Walker: Texas Cripple."  Don't mess with Sarge! 

Now here's a serious barbecue attendee...Tom comes armed with his own fork (see pocket on right).  Watch your fingers when he's going at the corn on the cob.  If you can't afford a shredder, throw your old credit card statements in his way....

Stan, who mistakenly admitted to not reading The LG Report, is seen impersonating Ernest Hemingway, while Geo tries to figure out what he just took a bite out of.  Looks like cat to us.

Tom, Rosie and Angie, one of America's Cutest Families. 

Ron reacts adversely when told that we've reached the last picture in this barbecue posting.  He's not a happy camper.  Anyway, hope you enjoyed the photos, please click back soon.  And leave a comment, "like" us on Facebook and/or follow LazarusNYC on Twitter.  Thanks, and please take some time to remember those who have served our country.  Happy Memorial Day to all!

Selection 2010 - Robert Buckley

Selection 2010 - David Rich

Classement 2009 - 66°

LGR Contest: Write One Stinkin' Line That's Funny to Earn Yourself Some Money!

Did you ever attend a concert greatly anticipating one particular song and then, when the band finally gets to it, the lead singer turns the microphone outward and expects the crowd to sing?  You end up paying $250 to hear some drunk guy from Long Island screaming "Baby we were born to run!" in your ear.

It sucks, we know.

But, we're sorry to say, today's edition of The LG Report is just that: we're turning the computer keyboard out to the readers to come up with their own funny lines.   But there's a twist: the winner will get cold hard cash. 

That's right, no The LG Report t-shirts or nail clippers or toilet seat covers for the best entry.  Whoever comes out on top will get a crisp $20 bill, cold hard cash money American. 

That's all there is to it.  And, as always, it's 100% gluten-free with no additives.

This is a very simple competition.  It's like the "Cutest Dog Contest" except there are no dogs.  Nor pictures, nor voting.  Other than that it's exactly the same.   
Here's how it works.  We have 10 first lines below.  All you have to do is post a comment with your funny second line.  But please make sure to include the number of the line that you're following.  So, for example, an entry might say "3.  Mental note to self: never punch a guy who looks, speaks and acts like Mike Tyson and just might be Mike Tyson."

You may enter up to two (2) (II) (dos) (1 + 1) (ix-nay-two-skay) times if you'd like.  LG will be the sole judge, and a winner will be announced on Thursday, June 3rd. 

Deadlines for entry are at noon EST on Wednesday, June 2nd.  Your entries must be posted as a comment to The LG Report.   So get your creative juices flowing and start thinking of some amusing second lines.  

Without further adieu, here are the ten first lines:

1.  TKO had second thoughts, as he stood on the soup line, about spending those four years playing "Brick Breaker" on his Blackberry rather than attending class.

2.  Dion couldn't believe that it had taken him 26 years to realize that he had the same nose as the mailman

3.  As the nurse adjusted his hospital bed, Jimmie replayed the previous night in his mind and realized that challenging that guy to a punching competition wasn't so smart.

4.  It was obvious to Eggman, unfortunately, that his dog was a prolific farter and he'd have to do something about it.

5.  Geo had become such a worldwide internet sensation that when his old friend LG tried to get backstage, he was told by a beefy security guard that "Geo says he doesn't know you anymore."

6.  Brandy was a fine horse, but knowing that his relationship with her was not right in the eyes of society, Chris refered to her as "A fine girl ... " in the song he wrote that would later top the charts.

7.  Dear LG Report:  I thought I was dreaming when my car broke down late one night just outside the gates of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader camp and someone asked me inside.

8.  Gerry loaded his automatic assault weapon with a special zeal as he looked out on the stadium crowd, knowing that he'd finally get some recognition -- even though financial remuneration had never come -- for inventing the "control+alt+delete" move.

9.  When the gubernatorial debate moderator asked Noit for his favorite quote, he regretted not being prepared for this question because the only one that came to mind was: 'Flush twice, it's a long way to the kitchen.' 

10. Ricky realized, in a sudden moment of clarity, that it was probably never a good idea to steal a cop car.

OK folks, there you have it, your ten pieces of unmolded clay, start submitting your second lines, up to two each, and let's see who comes out on top with a nice crisp Andrew Jackson for their wallet...

Good luck to all and here's wishing you an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend!

Selection 2010 - Stuart (Irish Wolf)

Thanks to Irish wolf

Selection 2010 - Kerry Degman

Classement 2009 - 24°

FSIS (50-State Interview Series) Makes It In Massachusetts with Chris!

Our interviewee today, representing the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, is Christopher, a married attorney who lives and works in Boston. Christopher is originally from Upstate New York (thereby continuing our string of interviewees who weren’t born in the state they represent), but has lived in Massachusetts since attending law school there in the 1980s.


We have nothing to say of interest in this space, we just need to fill the awkward blank spot.  The entertaining stuff begins below....






_________________________________________

The LG Report: Chris, welcome to The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Let’s start with an easy one: give us three words to describe Boston in the summer and three words to describe Boston in the winter. Please make these English words for both seasons.

Christopher: Summer: Drinks, Hot + Fun.   Winter: Florida on Jetblue

The LG Report: Why do you choose to live in Boston rather than your native Upstate New York? And is the word “Upstate” really supposed to be capitalized? We know it’s called the “Capital Region,” perhaps that has something to do with it?

Christopher: Upstate, It’s Great!®

I like both places very much but there were more opportunities here for me. Also, I had to keep in my mind secondary education for Doc and Herbie. [Editor’s Note: Doc and Herbie are Chris’s dogs.]

The LG Report: You’re widely perceived to be a politico. Here at The LG Report, we’re journos. If you could have a very nice 6-course dinner with Bill Clinton, or a light breakfast, buffet style, with President Obama, which would you choose and why?

Christopher: I think I would do the dinner with Clinton. First off, he would likely be more open about things because he is not the sitting president. Not to mention the fact that he knows how to have a good time.

The LG Report: Massachusetts, sometimes derogatorily referred to as “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts,” is traditionally a very liberal state. Why do you think this is?

Christopher: I do not think it is a “very liberal state.” I think it is just that our “conservatives” are not that conservative [which is true of New England as a whole] – so, it averages out to be more liberal than other states nationwide.

The LG Report: If a visitor had only one night in Boston, what would you advise them to do? It’s their first time in your fair city. And please don’t mug them.

Christopher: Has to be the duck boat tour! You get to see it all in one sweep and you get to quack at people on the street. When they do that, it quacks me up!



The LG Report: A lot of people don’t believe that Tony Conigliaro was the “Boston Strangler.” Do you have any theories on this?

Christopher: Yes. My theory is you were drunk when you wrote this question. Albert DaSalvo was the Boston Strangler. Tony C was a baseball player whose career was marred by getting hit in the eye with a pitch.

The LG Report: Bostonians typically hate the New York Yankees. You are a Mets fan. Who do you hate? And your answer need not be baseball related.

Christopher: Mean people suck. I hate mean people. I really hate bigots. I hate bigots that are mean people.

The LG Report: Speaking of the Mets, Mr. Met has a very large head with baseball stitching all around it. He is seldom seen outside a baseball field and appears to have no friends. What’s the story on him?

Christopher: First off, I love Mr. Met – that big baseball headed son of a B! He is, without a doubt, the best mascot. When the Mets played the Sox at Fenway, I kept trying to get my picture with Mr. Met but it kept coming out wrong. So, I kept trying. Finally, his handler (yes, Mr. Met has handlers) said: “Mr. Met has to go now, sir.” I think I am the only person Mr. Met has had to get a restraining order against.

ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS WE'VE MET:  "Mr. X," pictured above, asked us not to use his real name or address when told that we'd be publishing his picture in conjunction with an interview of Chris.  We didn't expect this -- he threw us a curve ball -- but we are honoring his wishes.  


The LG Report: Which of the Boston mascots would you rather spend a night in a bar with, the Celtic or the Patriot? We’re assuming that the Sox wouldn’t get served, nor would the Bruin. Plus, PETA would protest against you for taking a bear (bruin) to a bar. If we haven’t confused you yet, please answer the question.

Christopher: I want to amend an earlier answer. I HATE the Celtic mascot – Lucky the Leprechaun. He thinks he is sooo cool, but he is a jerk. So, it has to be the Patriot – by default.

The LG Report: Both U.S. Senators from Massachusetts went to your law school. When are you going to become a U.S. Senator? Did you not take that class?

Christopher: After I pose for Cosmo. [Editor’s note: Current Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed for a centerfold in Cosmopolitan Magazine long ago.]

The LG Report: Opposites attract, they say (you know who “they” are, don’t make us say it…) Your wife is funny, intelligent and good-looking. Please explain what that makes you.

Christopher: A lucky man (but not a leprechaun.)

The LG Report: Hypothetical question. Geo and his wife come to Salem, Massachusetts on vacation, where you are working as a tour guide at a witch museum for the summer, while the Chinese drywall is being removed from your law offices. When it comes time to re-enact the “Burning a Witch at the Stake” ritual, Geo volunteers. Do you secretly use real gasoline in place of water, in order to actually burn him at the stake, or do you merely scream “Witch! Witch in the house!” and stab him through the heart with a sharp piece of wood?

Please note: When it’s later discovered by the police that there is in fact no “Burning a Witch at the Stake” segment on the standard tour, you simply say, “Well, there should have been,” and resign from your job, liability-free.

Christopher: Either version would be a hit on the tour.




The LG Report: What is the weirdest or funniest town name in Massachusetts?

Christopher: Quincy. Although, if you are going to name a town after a Jack Klugman character, it really should be “Oscar.”

The LG Report: What’s your guilty pleasure?

Christopher: That's easy: The LG Report – 24/7!

The LG Report: Please explain the whole “Champagne Room” concept.

Christopher: If you have to ask, you would never understand.
The LG Report: Why do you think the WNBA is still in business?

Christopher: Is it?

The LG Report: What are your three favorite websites in order of preference, starting with The LG Report, first, of course, and then what two after that?

Christopher: The LG Report; NY Daily News (Mets news) and Talking Points Memo.

The LG Report: Do you consider yourself a “Masshole?” Can you explain the term for our readers who are unfamiliar with it?

Christopher: I think it pertains to the inability of some drivers to use their directional which, as you may know, was engineered to be very easy to use. It only takes a slight hand motion and a click of the lever – done!

The LG Report: What’s the most important quality in a good lawyer?

Christopher: Being able to see both sides of an issue.

The LG Report: Do you think Bart Simpson is a real person?

Christopher: Yes, he writes The LG Report.

The LG Report: If you were to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch on national TV, what would you be yelling?

Christopher: I love Doc and Herbie, I love Doc and Herbie --- oh, and Kelley too…. [Third, Or So, Editor’s Note: Kelley is the wife.]

The LG Report: What’s your favorite movie of the last five years and why?

Christopher: Dark Knight. Love Batman and it is the definitive Batman movie.

The LG Report: Boston’s mayor speaks and looks like Fred Flintstone. Any explanation?

Christopher: I reject the premise of the question. [I want my trash to continue to be picked up, thank you….]

The LG Report: Do you ever “paak your caaaa?”

Christopher: Boy, that one never gets tired…. [sarcasm]

The LG Report: What will your last meal be when you go to the electric chair?

Christopher: Presumably, for killing Geo in the earlier question. Lobster would be the entrée with some oysters too. Dessert would be a .44 – so I could escape! Nice!

The LG Report: Ever cheat at Scrabble?

Christopher: Nope. [Wait, not enough points]. Negatory…

Thanks for your time Chris, everyone here at your favorite blog appreciates it.  Don’t let the fame and fortune that’s sure to ensue from this captivating interview swell your head too much – we don’t need another Mr. Met-sized melon around here.  Err, we mean "Mr. X."
Thanks for reading everyone, and please sign up to “Like” The LG Report on Facebook to receive a notice when a new post goes up.