Today The LG Report heads to Ohio, specifically the town of Maumee, just outside of Toledo, to catch up with Liz, also known as "Lizerd" to her friends.
Originally from Michigan, Liz is married and has a son in high school. She works for a graphic design firm in downtown Toledo. We’d show you some of the company's work, but it’s pretty graphic. If she worked for a family-friendly design firm, that would be another story.
Anyway, let's get right to the interview, we know you can't wait to meet Lizerd in Ohio...
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The LG Report: Elizabeth, would you mind if I drop the formality and just call you "Lizerd?"
Elizabeth: No, certainly not, go right ahead.
The LG Report: Thanks. I notice your tongue is forked, that's cool. So Lizerd, you grew up in Michigan but now live in Ohio. What brought you to the Buckeye State?
Lizerd: My parents. We grew pot in my mom’s garden in Temperance, Michigan and so we had to flee when the DEA spotted it. Ohio seemed the best place to hide.
The LG Report: If Michigan were to invade Ohio in an interstate war, which side would you fight on?
Lizerd: That’s a tough one. My loyalties are divided. I might have to be like Switzerland and remain neutral.
The LG Report: Interesting.... "Maumee" sounds a lot like "Mommy" phonetically. Was there ever an instance when your son, as an infant, was in distress or grave danger and yelling "Mommy!" but you thought he was merely saying the name of your town so you ignored him, thereby causing him permanent harm? Keep in mind that the Ohio child welfare authorities don't read this blog.
The LG Report: What's the single best thing about living in Ohio?
Lizerd: The vast opportunities to eat. We like food here in Ohio and eating is a pastime of ours. We could probably rival any other U.S. city for restaurants per capita. We also like to buy food in bulk at places like Costco and Sam’s Club.
The LG Report: If someone's car were to break down on their way through Ohio and they had to stay overnight (we're not, of course, implying that this is the only circumstances under which one would visit, but it does seem to be the likeliest), what would you advise them to do? Are there any specific attractions that they should visit, or anything else of interest along those lines?
Lizerd: Everyone would say you need to go to Tony Packo’s because its Hungarian hot dogs were made famous by the character Max Klinger on the TV show M*A*S*H*, but not too many peeps remember M*A*S*H* let alone Klinger except those of a certain age. So since no one remembers Jamie Farr, who also hails from the great city of Toledo, I would have to say you should go to the Village Idiot in Maumee (photo below.) It’s known for its interesting clientele and barkeepers and also more recently for being a favorite performance venue for American Idol finalist Crystal Bowersox or “Mama Sox” as she is lovingly referred to here in northwest Ohio.
The LG Report: Does Ohio have the World's Largest Bratwurst or World's Largest Rubber Band Ball or anything of that nature of which you're aware without doing research?
Lizerd: We have the World’s Largest Population of Jackass Drivers…well, that’s my opinion.
The LG Report: Please give us three adjectives to describe the average Ohioan.
Lizerd: Robust, amiable, hungry
The LG Report: Have you ever served time?
Lizerd: If you count my first marriage, yes.
The LG Report: Do you hang out at truck stops?
Lizerd: No, but I do like to frequent the service plazas on the Ohio Turnpike.
Lizerd: Cleveland, home of the Cavaliers and LeBron James! Woot woot! I don’t think Cleveland and its people have ever gotten over its “Mistake on the Lake” moniker.
The LG Report: Hypothetical. Let's say Geo comes to your state to attend an Ohio State - Michigan football game with you. But he stupidly wears a Michigan jersey. In the third quarter, just after Michigan scores a go-ahead touchdown, frustrated fans begin pummeling Geo mercilessly as he's quietly enjoying a beer and minding his own bee's wax.
Would you:
a) Offer to hold his beer for him and secretly take big gulps of it while you enjoyed watching him being beaten;
b) Half-heartedly wave for Security while yelling “He’s not only a Michigan fan, he also played halfback for them in ’48!” while getting in a few good kicks yourself; or
c) Ask if anyone has lighter fluid because you hear that Michigan football jerseys are supposed to be fire proof and you don't believe it?
Lizerd: I would drink his beer for sure and I would not do it secretly.
The LG Report: Geo's wife is one of your best friends. Did you warn her not to marry him?
Lizerd: This seems to be a theme of The LG Report. I think I may have warned her that she’d be saddled with his best friend for the rest of her life as well, but that didn’t stop her.
The LG Report: The Pretenders have a song in which they sing "I went back to Ohio but my city was gone..." Have they located that city yet?
Lizerd: “A...O...way to go, Ohio…” Crissy Hind is from Akron, where they make tires for cars. It’s still there as far as I know though. We also have that other little ditty by Neil Young about the Kent State riots. “Four dead in Ohio…” Such uplifting songs.
The LG Report: Does Ohio have cable TV?
Lizerd: Sometimes.
The LG Report: The Wright Brothers were from Ohio. They invented the airplane. Did they really want to escape the state that badly?
Lizerd: I think they were merely trying to escape Dayton.
The LG Report: It may sound like we're dissing Ohio here but that's not the case. Ohio is clearly one of the 50 best states. What single attribute do you think, Lizerd, distinguishes Ohio from the other 49 states?
Lizerd: We helped elect George W. Bush. Twice. (That IS a diss)
The LG Report: Does your husband have a reptilian nickname? If not, can you give him one now?
Lizerd: I might call him “Turtle” and not because he’s like the character on HBO’s Entourage.
The LG Report: Seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio. The official insect is the Ladybug. You have quite a state there. Oh, and the abbreviation is OH. Are you ever confused when someone says "Oh," thinking that they may be pronouncing the state abbreviation instead? This must be a big problem in Ohio.
Lizerd: We’ve got lots of problems here in Ohio, but mistakenly saying “Oh” for “OH” is not one of them. But there was that whole Simpson-esque branding the City of Toledo wanted to do with “D’OH!” (as in TOLED’OH!) that for some reason didn’t see the light of day.
The LG Report: If you could change Ohio's state motto from its current "With God All Things Are Possible" [it's one of five U.S. states with the word "God" in the official motto; yes, you're getting your learn on here...] what would you choose? Can you think of a credible state motto for Ohio with the word "Satan" in it? Maybe "Satan Isn't Welcome Here" or something along those lines. But don't let me influence you, you're the designer of things graphic. Can you please answer now so that I can stop typing? Thanks.....
Lizerd: If I had known that was the state motto, I might have protested the move a little more. I think a better motto would be Flip Wilson’s oft-quoted saying, “The devil made me do it!”
The LG Report: Other than The LG Report, which is clearly number one, what's your second favorite place on the internet?
Lizerd: madmadmad.com. (A little self promo never hurts.) [Editor's note: that's the website of Lizerd's employer. Angryangryangry.com was already taken.]
The LG Report: Ok Lizerd, we're going to wrap it up here and get you back to your terrarium. Are there any parting thoughts, or pieces of sage advice, that you'd like to pass along to the readers?
Lizerd: I would advise people who copy LG on an email to be prepared for an onslaught of responses that may go on for several days. OH, and if you do break down in Maumee, don’t look me up. I’m not an amiable Ohioan.
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So there we have it folks, the great state of Ohio is added to the pantheon of The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Our deepest thanks go out to Lizerd for being such a good sport. Make sure give her a ring if your car ever breaks down in Maumee and there's a delay in fixing it [Editor’s Note: That was written before Lizerd answered the question above telling us to steer clear. Should’ve been obvious….ToleD’OH!.]
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