Interviewee Profile: A divorced mother of two daughters in college, Patty was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio, but has lived in Montana for a coon’s age, as they say in those parts. Formerly a Human Resources executive at Yellowstone National Park, she’s now with an internet company.
Patty is, coincidentally, Geo’s sister-in-law. We recently caught up with her on the north forty as she was punching some cattle. Or, she might have been sitting in her air-conditioned office sipping a double mocha latte (probably the case in light of the picture at right.) Here we go, strap yourself in:
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LG Report: Montana. Really? Really? Montana?
Patty: Mon-DAMN-tana!
LG Report: Do you consider yourself to be “living off the grid?”
Patty: Solar panels on the Shack of Dreams tells me so
LG Report: You grew up in Toledo, in the great state of Ohio (“round on the ends and ‘hi’ in the middle -- sorry, couldn’t resist.) Why leave such a great place for Montana?
Patty: Dumped by a college fiancé, I thought I’d go West (of Chicago)
LG Report: How many days a week, on average, do you wear plaid flannel?
Patty: Does the blue plaid flannel thong count?
LG Report: What percentage of current Montana residents do you think are native to the state?
Patty: Born ‘n Bred ... they’re a scary lot ..... 5%
LG Report: What percentage do you think are wanted by the law in other states?
Patty: 4.97%
LG Report: Do you hate arrogant East Coasters like me?
Patty: Only when standing in a queue with y’all. Or driving with people like my sister on the Garden State Parkway. Jeezus. Chill, people.
LG Report: Montana is known as “Big Sky Country.” Recently, a liquor company announced it would pay $2 million a year to the state if it will call itself “Big Skyy Vodka Country.” Are you for or against such a change?
Patty: Go for it.
LG Report: Actually, I just made that up. But it sounds plausible. Maybe Skyy Vodka will read this and try to implement the idea. I think I should get a free case if they do; it’s only right. Don't worry, I'll cut you in on some. I think they treat wounds in Montana with vodka, no? Ok, back to the interview…
Patty, living in Montana, what do you miss most about civilization?
Patty: Slices. German-American Festivals. Polish-American Festivals. 4th generation Italians. Last names with more consonants than vowels that end in “-ski.” Not having more than 2 restaurants within 55 miles. Yes, really.
LG Report: Have you ever been part of a posse? (50 Cent’s or Jay-Z’s will not count…)
Patty: My posse is none of your business.
LG Report: Have you ever attended a public hanging? If so, was it hard to get parking? And did you join the crowd in yelling “String 'eem up!”
Patty: The only thing hanging around here is the wildlife during the late hunt. And yuck.
LG Report: If you couldn’t live in Montana, what state would you live in and why?
Patty: Couldn’t live here? Like they’re gonna kick me out? I’d live wherever the Sugar Daddy buys me a sweet condo on the beach.
LG Report: You used to work at Yellowstone National Park. Also known as “Jellystone,” I believe. Did you ever have any run ins with Yogi Bear or Boo Boo? They seem like regular guys, is that true off-camera?
Patty: They won’t seem to fess up to what exactly is in that damn pic-a-nic basket. But I’m determined to figure it out. They’re always smiling.
LG Report: Montana is only the 44th most populous state, despite having the 4th most land. Famous people from Montana include Gary Cooper, Carroll O’Connor, Peter Fonda, Phil Jackson and Evel Knievel (1938 – 2007.)
Evel was quite the daredevil. If you had to jump over something scary with a motorcycle, what would it be?
Patty: Aforementioned Sugar Daddy?
LG Report: In that previous list, we purposely didn’t mention Theodore “Ted” Kaczynski, also known as the “Unibomber.” Although he was born in Chicago, Ted was living near Lincoln, Montana when he committed his crimes. Why are you sweating? Did you know Ted? Ever mail any packages for him?
Patty: I slept in Lincoln one night. In a tent. Woke up under water. Don’t ask.
LG Report: I should mention that "Hannah Montana" is a fraud; she's not from Montana originally, nor does she live there now. I guess the name was catchier than "Ida Ho." Also, Joe Montana and Tony Montana? Not residents either.
Speaking of Joe and Tony, Montana is a state with a lot of macho men riding horses and engaging in outdoor activities. Do most men in your state “ride bareback,” if you know what we mean?
Patty: Baby. The chaps are all for show.
LG Report: Let’s discuss the Elephant in the Interview Room – Geo. Why do you think you were unsuccessful in trying to talk your sister out of marrying him?
Patty: I did write him a scathing letter once. I think I threatened to take him out if he did my precious sister wrong.
LG Report: Do you lust after Geo in your heart? Remember, not a lot of people read The LG Report so you should feel free to reveal intimate and private thoughts.
Patty: Geo’s a rock star. What’s not to love? I’ll keep him around simply for his splendiferous CD mixes. [Editor's Note: Geo is, we must admit, very talented at creating pitch-perfect CD mixes for every musical taste.]
LG Report: Here’s a hypothetical question for you Patty. Let’s say Geo and your sister are visiting you during the summer. You take them to a county 4H fair (I don’t know what that is, but I’ve heard the term on TV) and there’s a “dunking booth” set up to raise money for the ASPCA. But the guy who was supposed to sit in the chair above the tank of water contracted diarrhea from the taco stand and the Montana Department of Health (assuming there even is one), won’t allow him to participate. So Geo volunteers to sit in the chair to help raise money for the poor ASPCA animals. You pay $3 (Montana money; I think it might be wooden) for three baseballs to throw at the chair-release target.
Here’s the question: Do you ignore the target and just aim for Geo’s nuts with your fastest pitch? Or, do you drop the balls and lunge over the counter to stab Geo in the thigh with the knife that every Montana resident is required to carry on their belt?
Think it over. We have all day for this one.
Patty: I throw like a girl. Geo wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d aim for him, and hit some 6’8” bull rider in the back of the head, and then point at Geo and Geo would have some splainin' to do.
LG Report: If you had to come up with a new tourism motto for Montana, what would it be?
Patty: The Big Sky Invites You To Come * And if you share that with Jeanette, I will send the 6’8” bull rider to come hunt you down
LG Report: Were you aware that John Leister from Great Falls, Montana, briefly played quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers? No? I didn’t think so, but I promised Dannie, our last interviewee, that I’d somehow get the Steelers mentioned in here. I’m checking that one off.
Here’s the question though: If you had to sing one song on “American Idol” to win it all, what would it be?
Patty: "Cheeseburger In Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett. Make that with genuine Montana beef, please.
LG Report: Is there a lot of illegal drug use in Montana? If you answer “yes,” please explain how you know.
Patty: I can only assume. Home Depot runs a special on Grow Lights every weekend in the winter. And here, we have two seasons. Winter and July. In July you can usually be assured that the plants will do okay outside. If you can keep the “wildlife” away from them.
LG Report: What would you like the readers of The LG Report to do each day to make this world a better place?
Patty: I’ve started a 12-Step Program - LGAnonymous. We realize that we are powerless over your wit.
LG Report: Have you ever danced on a bar?
Patty: Grizzly or Black?
LG Report: I said "bar," not "bear." Get your mind out of the wilderness. Montana borders three Canadian provinces, more than any other state. If the Canadians tried to invade the United States by coming through Montana, what would you personally do to defeat, or at least deter, them?
Patty: Put up the “Road Closed For The Season” signs and point them to North Dakota.
LG Report: Your mother is a very nice person. I’m sure you don’t call her as often as you should, what with all the stuff to do in Montana and all… What would you like to say to your mother here, assuming we can coax her into reading The LG Report?
Patty: Forgive me for allowing Larry to ever talk me into this.
LG Report: You are given one date with a celebrity. It can be an actor, singer, athlete, blogger – or whomever you want (I only came up with this question to show off my proper use of “whomever.”) Other than ole LG, the obvious choice, who would you pick? And, please, keep it platonic – no basing your answer on sack-tivities (a new word which I just made up, but you should feel free to popularize…)
Patty: Gerard Butler - for the bad boy quotient. Dammit - he might have to include sack-a-bility. There’s always Michael Vartan ...... yummy.
LG Report: Please tell us one thing that you never thought you’d tell anyone. Something really deep and dark.
Patty: Sue Lynch and I accepted tickets from roadies at a Kenny *** concert, 3rd row seats. Kenny tossed me his tambourine at some point. He had autographed it - with his phone number. I was smitten. And a young and wild college student. He was old. That was probably just wrong on so many levels.
LG Report: If you won $10 million in the Montana State Lottery, what would be the first thing that you’d buy?
Patty: A chartered flight starting in NYC to bring all my peeps to MT for a helluva party.
LG Report: Finish this sentence: My daughters would make me most proud if they would ________________________.
Patty: Thank me when I pay off their College Student Loans with my MT Lottery Winnings.
LG Report: Finish this sentence: I’d be really happy if Geo would just ____________.
Patty: Buy me something in a little aqua colored box like he does for my sister. Beeatch.
LG Report: OK Patty, we’re almost out of time. To wrap it up, if someone was considering going to Montana for a holiday, what would you recommend that they do? Assume that they only have a week in your great state. Please just give us the quick Reader’s Digest version, since nobody is really all that interested in Montana anyway, I’m just trying to be polite with this question.
Patty: Fly into Bozeman. Eat Fish Tacos at Taco Del Mar. Because you’ll be eating Bison later. Go north to Glacier, eat Pie For Strength. Come south to Yellowstone. Yellowstone is actually in Wyoming. Get your map out. It’s a really big state. You arrogant East Coasters could honk your horns all you want - the Elk won’t move for you any more than they do for us.
Well kids, that concludes today’s interview. A very big LG Report “Thank You” to Patty for being such a good sport and an entertaining interview subject. We wish her much continued success off the grid, err, we mean living in Montana. And please remember The LG Report’s Montana-based bit of advice for today: Don’t accept any packages with a “T. Kaczynski” return address.
Thanks for reading, as always. We’ll be back on Friday with a humorous Mother's Day-appropriate story of cunning, guile and a last-laugh for the ages.
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