“Zenga Zenga”: Mad Dog Gaddafi and the Hip-Hop Theme Song of the Libyan Uprising

(Music: Noy Alooshe. Lyrics: Muammar al-Gaddafi.)

by Michael Kaplan

Downfall of a tyrant?  A poster of Muammar al-Gaddafi is desecrated in Benghazi.  Tyler Hicks/The New York Times.

The account I have given . . . shews how the abuse of authority, by causing the misery of individuals, becomes eventually destructive to the power of a state; and what we may safely venture to predict, will soon prove, that the ruin of a nation sooner or later recoils on those who have been the cause of it, and that the errors or crimes of those who govern cannot fail of their punishment, even from the very misery and wretchedness of those whom they have governed.

—Constantin-François Chassebœuf, comte de Volney, Travels in Egypt and Syria, in the Years 1783, 1784, and 1785.

The Mad Dog of the Middle East (as Ronald Reagan called him) may finally be meeting his Götterdämmerung. That the world put up with the antics of Muammar al-Gaddafi, the psychopath masquerading as a buffoon, for forty-two years, says much about the sordid workings of international power politics. Leaving aside the horrors he perpetrated on his own people, Gaddafi has more American blood on his hands than anyone other than Osama bin Laden. But since Gaddafi sat on a pool of oil, the rest of the world, including the United States after 2003, was willing enough to do business with him. In September 2009, Gaddafi stood at the podium of the United Nations General Assembly, honoring that august body with one of the most incoherent and downright weird speeches it ever had to suffer through.

The people of Libya, though, never benefitted from their nation’s vast reserves of oil. Instead, Gaddafi, and his equally vile children, used the wealth provided by oil to live lives of gross debauchery and finance armies of terrorists worldwide. One son, the grandiloquently named Saif al-Islam (Sword of Islam), presenting himself as the westernized face of the regime, bought himself a Ph.D. from the London School of Economics. In return for his degree, Saif donated £1.5 million to support the work of the LSE’s Centre for the Study of Global Governance on civil society organizations in North Africa. Even British academia, it seems, was willing to play along with the Gaddafi family’s theater of the absurd if the payoff was right.

Now, as Gaddafi goes down in flames, pledging to take as much of his country as he can down with him, his own words have been turned into the theme song of the rebellion. Noy Alooshe, an Israeli musician of Tunisian heritage, took the phrase “zenga zenga” from a rambling, gibberish-filled, 75 minute speech delivered by Gaddafi on Tuesday February 22, and set it to a hip-hop vibe. Gaddafi, dressed in brown robes and a turban, spoke from what appeared to be the residence damaged in the 1986 bombing raid ordered by Ronald Reagan. Alooshe overlaid the video with footage of a scantily-clad woman dancing to Gaddafi’s trance music riff. The video, posted on YouTube, has gone viral throughout the Arab world and has captured the spirit of the Libyan uprising. The irony of an Israeli artist creating the theme song for an Arab fight for liberty is something we should all ponder. Here is the video.

You know a tyrant’s days are numbered when the people who had lived in absolute fear of his wrath can turn around and assault him with mockery. The speech itself was classic Gaddafi. The self-styled “Leader and Guide of the Revolution,” proclaimed his defiance of those who sought his downfall, blaming the uprising on everyone from Al Qaeda to American agents drugging Libyan youth with LSD-spiked Nescafé. More ominously, he threatened to unleash his security forces on all rebels, declaring that “when I do, everything will burn.” Rambling on, Gaddafi issued a call to his people: “Come out of your homes, those who love Muammar Gaddafi. Women, men, girls, boys, those who side with Muammar Gaddafi and the revolution. . . . As from tomorrow, no, as from tonight, actually, people in Libyan cities and towns . . . chase [the protesters], arrest them, hand them over to the security [forces].”

Noy Alooshe

“Gaddafi's speech had all the makings of a hit,” Noy Alooshe says regarding his idea to turn the tyrant’s words into a song. “Repeating the words ‘Zenga zenga’, his unique outfit, lifting his arms up in triumph like he’s at a party—I just added some club music to it and thought it would be a funny joke.” The words zenga zenga mean alley by alley in Libyan Arabic. The excerpt that Alooshe set to music was Gaddafi’s vow to hunt down protesters and clean Libya “inch by inch (shiber shiber), house by house (beyt beyt), room by room (dar dar), alley by alley (zenga zenga).” These lines are followed by Gaddafi’s cry: “ela amam tawra (forward, revolution) / dakkat sat al amal (it’s the moment of action) / bssura bssura (hurry up hurry up).”

This is no empty threat. Gaddafi’s capacity for sheer ruthlessness must never be underestimated. In this he is much like Saddam Hussein. Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak, autocratic and corrupt as he was, could never have contemplated mass genocide against his people. Gaddafi can, and he may yet rally enough of his regime’s power base, especially in the paramilitary security forces, to suppress the uprising through maxim force. Another factor which will shape the outcome of the Libyan uprising is the tribal structure of Libyan society. Benjamin Barber of Rutgers University, who until February 22 served on the governing board of the Saif al-Islam al-Gaddafi International Charity and Development Foundation (Walter Russell Mead dubbed Barber one of the world’s “Top Ten Gaddafi Toads”), writes that Libya is made up of 160 tribes divided among the three provinces of Tripolitania, Cyrenaica, and Fezzan. Muammar al-Gaddafi is not just another dictator: he is a tribal chieftain, the head of the Qadhadhfa tribe of Sert, which along with its allied clans, historically dominated Tripolitania. Gaddafi can draw on the tribal loyalties of these clans, which make up the core of his military, in his war against the insurgents. The uprising’s base of support, aside from modern urban professionals, is with the tribes of Cyrenaica, which were in rebellion against Tripoli forty and eighty years ago. In these circumstances victory for the uprising will depend on the ability of its leaders to reach out to the Gaddafi-allied tribes of Tripolitania, and convince them to switch sides.

Libya’s fighters for freedom also need support from the international community (yes, I see the dark humor in that) and the United States in the form of supplies and weapons and the imposition of a no-fly zone over Libya. They need to change the balance of forces if they are to triumph over the tyrant. But they neither need, nor want, American or other foreign boots on the ground. The Libyan people need to be the owners of their fight for freedom.

Gaddafi in Rome with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and female bodyguards.

That a tyrant’s arrogant boast could be transformed into an anthem of liberty, is a hopeful sign that the people of Libya, and other Arab peoples now challenging their authoritarian governments, can find their way to democracy. The people of the Arab world, it seems, are not immune to the claims of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; nor are the Arab peoples doomed by their history, blood-soaked as it is, to inevitably fall into the clutches of a new set of Islamist tyrants. Should the uprising against Gaddafi succeed, it would bring to an end sixty disastrous years of Arab experiments with totalitarian utopias; hopefully to be replaced by responsible governments that don’t brutalize their own people or threaten their neighbors, and are focused less on ideology and more on social development. The great challenge now facing the Arab world is not to rush into American-style democracy, but to create legitimate politcal orders on the ruins of tyranny, rooted in their own governing traditions. Such political orders would combine institutions of local government, for which, historian Bernard Lewis says, there is a tradition in the Arab world, with consensual and effective central governments.

Yet, as Professor Thomas Sowell cautions, “the fact that Egyptians or others in the Middle East and elsewhere want freedom does not mean that they are ready for freedom. . . . Freedom and democracy cannot be simply conferred on anyone. Both have preconditions, and even nations that are free and democratic today took centuries to get there.” Likewise, Michael Scheuer, the former head of the CIA’s bin Laden unit, insists that Al Qaeda, the Muslim Brotherhood, and assorted Islamists, will succeed in hijacking the post-uprising Arab regimes from the nascent democrats because they have the organization, infrastructure, and ruthlessness to do so. That the people of Libya, Egypt, and other Arab nations are culturally predisposed to favor Sharia law over democratic forms of governance will also work to the Islamists’ advantage. Scheuer concludes that bin Laden and his cohorts correctly assume that the secular pro-democracy protesters, who use Facebook and Twitter, are but “a thin veneer across a deeply pious Arab world. They are confident that these revolts are not about democratic change but about who, in societies where peaceful transfers of power are rare, will fill the vacuum left by the dictators and consolidate power.” To assume, as many Westerners do, that power in the Arab world after the uprising will come from anything other than the barrel of a gun, is naïve in the extreme. Medieval historian and conservative writer Charlotte Allen, who spent much of the summer of 2010 in Tunisia and Egypt, agrees with Scheuer’s analysis. Exploring sections of Tunis and Cairo away from the elite cosmopolitan enclaves (and where tourists rarely venture), Allen found “societies that were obstinately Islamic in the face of efforts by leaders with vast state-police apparatuses at their disposal to shove them into secular modernity.” Ordinary Tunisians and Egyptians, far from yearning for the liberty and secular democracy that we in the West enjoy, are more committed than ever to maintaining Islamic norms for society and governance that are not democratic.

Other observers find more cause for optimism, and even hope. Yes, the political culture of the Arab world to date has been toxic, the habits and institutions of self-government have never taken root, jihadism has run rampant, and liberty has been an unwelcome guest. That no democratic leaders of the moral stature of Václav Havel or Nelson Mandela—mature, civilized men who, like George Washington, could be trusted to exercise power with restraint—have yet emerged in the Arab world is cause for great concern. But cultures, like individuals, can evolve and change for the better. Professor Fouad Ajami, one of the wisest students of Arab history, having long given up on the Arab peoples’ prospects for joining the modern world, finds signs of just such a change in the revolutions of 2011: “For decades, Arabs walked and cowered in fear. Now they seem eager to take freedom’s ride. Wisely, they are paying no heed to those who wish to speak to them of liberty’s risks.” The Arabs, Ajami insists, have risen up to transform shame into liberty.

Libyan opposition fighters man a checkpoint on the edge of Adjabiya.  Tyler Hicks/The New York Times.

Sadly, the wisdom of history tells us that revolutions begin in hope and joy but end in bloodshed, cynicism and despair; the American Revolution being the great exception of course. “O pleasant exercise of hope and joy! / For great were the auxiliars which then stood / Upon our side, we who were strong in love; / Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, / But to be young was very heaven.” So Wordsworth exclaimed in those ecstatic early days of the French Revolution, before the heads started to roll off the guillotine. But even with all of history’s bitter lessons in mind, three hundred million people, heirs to one of the world’s great civilizations, cannot simply be written off as unfit for liberty. Former President George W. Bush understood this. “Eventually,” Bush proclaimed in the poetic words of his Second Inaugural Address, “the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. Liberty will come to those who love it.” Where Bush erred was in assuming that Jacksonian America’s brave fighting men and women could do the job that the Iraqis needed to do themselves. Or, as Andrew Sullivan put it, “that freedom is only freedom when you have won it on your own.” Those of us who believe that liberty is God’s gift to all men and women, and who believe that if history does have a purpose it is in the continuing quest for and advancement of liberty, can do no less than Professor Ajami to support and encourage the Arab peoples in what will be a long and difficult struggle.

Noy Alooshe admits to some concern that should Gaddafi hang on to power, one of his odious sons might try to come after him. Nonetheless, he confides that it is “also very exciting to be making waves in the Arab world as an Israeli.” Among the many (largely positive) responses to his Revolution Anthem that Alooshe received from all over the Arab world via Twitter and Facebook, was one from a presumed member of the Libyan opposition. It said that when the Gaddafi regime is no more, “We will dance to ‘Zenga-Zenga’ in the square.” So, just maybe, Alooshe’s song offers the tantalizing possibility that young Arabs and Jews can transcend the burden of their tragic history and find common ground in the quest for liberty and the mythopoetic vision of music.

P.S. For the “realists” among you, who would say that I’ve given myself over to idealistic flights of fancy, I leave you with a quote from Thomas Jefferson: “My theory has always been, that if we are to dream, the flatteries of hope are as cheap, and pleasanter than the gloom of despair.”

© 2011 Michael Kaplan

Thoughts on Reaching 100

Welcome to our _ool.  Notice that there's no "P" in "Pool," let's keep it that way.
______________________________________________________________________________________

Sign at the Queen of England's pool.

LG always loves that sign when he see it at pools.  It's so original and unique that it made him laugh the first 150 times he saw it.



Our thoughts on reaching 100?  No, LG is NOT 100 years old. Not even close, so just back it down. 

LG is referring to the fact that The LG Report is getting very close to having 100 followers.  Very close.

Thisfreakingcloseasamatteroffact.Notevenroomforaspacebetweenwords,thatfreakingclose,thankyou.

Of course, we don't want to jinx it and lose anyone.  Please don't cancel your followership just to screw with us.  Thank you. And feel free to use the word "followership" if you'd like, it's our gift to you upon reaching a hondo followers.

So how, one might ask, did The LG Report achieve such an impressive milestone after starting out 14 months ago with a mere 92 followers?

Wait, wait, we didn't start out with 92 followers - psych on you! - we started out like everyone else, with none.  Nada. Zero.  Zilch.

But please don't un-follow us for fooling you on that point.  In fact, please don't leave us at all; if you'll agree to that now, we won't have to beg after each time we fake out and/or insult you.   Thank you, we'll take your silence as an agreement. 

The LG Report is in front with the bag.  It was more fun to sneak in as a woman.

The LG Report came to this country fresh off the boat from Europe with only two followers in his pocket and no place to live.

OK, maybe that one doesn't work.






 

Let's try again: The LG Report was born to hard-working, but poor, sharecroppers in the South.

Not buying that one either?

But wait, doesn't that look a bit like LG having a nice wee wee on the floor?  He did just that, as a matter of fact, only last night.








OK, so none of those stories are true.  The truth is, LG, like every other blogger, just straps on his keyboard every morning and heads down into the blog mines to crank out an honest day's posting, hoping that Mother Earth will offer up some new followers so that he can feed his gambling habit adopted Sally Struthers kid overseas (of course, if Sally would donate just half her monthly grocery bill, we could feed all of Zambia...)

But seriously folks, LG owes a debt of gratitude to a number of very kind and generous fellow bloggers who have helped publicize The LG Report and bring some readers our way. We are speaking specifically of the following awesome people, in alphabetical order, so as not to offend anyone more than we are contractually obligated (Note: please click on each person's name to be magically transported to their excellent blogs):

Carol, who was our first international interviewee, writes an extremely entertaining blog that provides an insight into how British wives differ from their American counterparts (Spoiler alert: they don't!)  Carol rocks all around; she's funny, insightful and, also, a renown whiz at creating blog buttons.  Now if we only knew what a blog button is... Check her out, you won't regret it.

Cheeseboy  who shares LG's sense of sophomoric humor (and, coincidentally, he's a first-grade teacher, while LG has tested out at first-grade maturity levels...) is truly terrific. A resident of Utah, he has probably sent more followers to The LG Report than anyone, no doubt due to his, and our, readers' affinity for Mad Magazine-style intellectualism.  When assembling your bloglist, don't cut the Cheese, he's hilarious!

Eva Gallant is awesome.  She's apparently Wrestling with Retirement (her blog's title), although we hope that she doesn't retire from blogging for many, many years.  She's an expert at culling the funniest and most interesting tidbits from the internet. LG doesn't think he's speaking out of turn when he says that if you're in the Portland, Maine area, feel free to crash at Eva's place, she'd love to have you! (Just kidding; she'd wrestle you to the ground like you were Old Man Retirement, take your bloodied and bruised picture, and post it on her blog so that we could all have a laugh...)

Jessee writes Jessee's Spot, a blog that she posts from her Upstate New York home ("I love my crazy life.")  LG is good friends with Jessee's husband's uncle (a very close-in-age uncle, as LG is far from 100 years old, which he made clear earlier in this post) and that's how he came upon her excellent blog. 

Kate , like many female bloggers, is originally from Minnesota.  There must be something in the ice wine up there.  She now lives in Arizona, where she teaches at a community college (no, not that one, we were worried too...) and produces a very insightful and well-written blog.  It's raw.  It's real. It's Kate.  Every post is a gem!

Pearl  writes with a very unique -- and entertaining/hilarious -- style.  Tales of her daily bus ride alone will keep you in stitches all day as you think back on her insights.  And they could, no doubt, be the basis of a very successful network comedy (maybe to fill the Charlie Sheen void?)  Pearl has also has written a very funny "chapbook" (click on her blog for more details) of which LG bought two copies.  Two freakin' copies, that tells you something.  Many bloggers out there are oysters, but there's only one Pearl! (Oh, and she's from Minnesota and, unlike many other Minnesota-bred bloggers, she still lives there.  Pearl must not have her papers in order or something...)  She's got a ton of followers, you should become one of them if you're not already. 

Sandra, a Canadian mother of four, wife and nursing student, makes LG a bit nervous.  Why?  Because: 1) Her writing is undeniably hilarious; 2) She's quite the hottie (LG's girlfriend gave him permission to say that) (by the way, we hope you didn't waste time clicking on the word "girlfriend" expecting to see a photo, LG wouldn't share that with you people!); 3) She has a legion of fans who'd walk through a field of broken Molson bottles barefoot for her; and 4) She aspires to one day rule the world -- the whole world, not just the hockey-playing part.  Which may very well happen, so start practicing your "Hail to Queen Sandra!" chants now people, you've been warned.  P.S. We hope Queen Sandra will be nice to her early supporters. LG would like to be appointed Czar of the Fun Stuff, let someone else take care of the beatings and unexplained disappearances of people.
Miss Yvonne   gave us the most trouble here, because we didn't know whether to alphabetize her under "M" for Miss or "Y" for Yvonne.  These are the difficult decisions facing LG daily.  Anyway, Miss Y is cocky (perhaps a steel cage match between Miss Yvonne and Sandra would yield pay-per-view millions), funny and original.  Miss Yvonne blogs from Texas, where everything is bigger, including her sense of humor.     

So there you have it folks, The LG Report's pantheon of bloggers to whom we owe our gratitude.  You can't go wrong by checking out any or all of them.  Your satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

As for what we'll do to celebrate when we actually do hit the coveted triple-figures mark, we're still not sure, but it will be something, no doubt.  And we'll soon be announcing the start of our LG Report's Cutest Pets Contest, so make sure you check back for that as well.

Thanks to all our followers, and readers in general; we hope you're enjoying the ride as much as we are!

[NOTE: We actually hit 100 followers as we were writing this post -- honest -- but we're not going to scrap the whole premise now just because of a technicality.... Thanks again to all LG Report followers, you're the best!] 

[P.S. We'll be interviewing 100th Follower Kelley, who hails from Texas, in an upcoming blog post that you won't want to miss.] 

Release of "The Clinic" Movie: Starring our Andy

Trailer for the new feature film, The Clinic.

While traveling across country with her fiance, Beth wakes along in an isolated clinic to a mother's worst nightmare. Her child has been abducted. Trapped and facing an unknown enemy, Beth struggles to piece together the clinic's deadly secret. Just how far will a mother go to save her child? Inspired by true events.

http://www.mightyape.com.au/product/DVD/The-Clinic/9986578/

THE TROUBLE WITH THE RAT RACE IS THAT, EVEN IF YOU WINS THE RACE YOU ARE STILL A RAT.........PERIOD!

AUTHOR: HON. MWANGI S. MUTHIORA, JUNIOR M.P - NATIONAL YOUTH PARLIAMENT (Pictured).

I have said time and again that this great Nation is in the bleak of tribal hatred inspired to Kenyans by tribal chiefs, sons and daughters of post colonial Kenya who squarely benefited from the corrupt White regime, Kenyatta regime, Moi regime and now the impunity infested Kibaki Government. The infightings in the Coalition Government remind me about the Rat race. The rat race is not only interesting, tragic and unfortunate but casts out the reality our leaders must swallow, “Even if you win in a rat race….. You are still a rat…!” That is the simplest you can define this selfish ruling class.

Over the last few weeks, we have witnessed uncalled for political bickering as the two principals and their erstwhile supporters engage in a war of word that has literally convinced any serious investor that Kenya is not the best of places to pitch tent. Kibaki in his quest to show leadership in an emotional press statement reassured Kenyans that he acted within the law in the disputed nominations even when the country had already read mischief in the manner his lieutenants handled and reacted over the entire process- he has withdrawn the nominations since. Just to remind you, we have been witnessing a political crisis hung around the two principals for a long time ever since this man Ocampo released the list of suspected masterminds of the post election violence that left tens of hundredths of people dead and many hundredths of thousands homeless.

Look at this again, ‘you are the Suspect, the Police, the Prosecutor, the Judge and the Executor’: then we must be in a rogue country where we might possibly never witness justice in our times or in the times of many of our generations to come. Shifting to the more serious business of governance and political leadership laying bare with the two principals, Kenyans must speak in one voice and oppose the idea of the destiny of this country be defined and determined in a boardroom by the two Principals or their cronies. In context and within the precincts of the new law, Kibaki & Raila have no moral authority whatsoever to impose on Kenyans any office holder, whether constitutional or otherwise. If the incidents of 2007 elections are to be prevented, we must embrace and implement this constitution fully and within all the legal frameworks applicable therein.

The two principals should not limit their efforts to successfully implement the new law to public forums and public statements. Indeed, they should have realized and recognized long ago that bitter differences in the level of consultations cannot be settled in a public forum. That is why in addition to the public statements and negotiations, they have to explore every possible private avenue that might lead to a settlement on this matter but purely pegged on the legality of the entire nomination process. In that case, Kenyans shall have a reason to smile to a new dawn of reforms; that has eroded us for so long. No one shall have the fears of the courts, police, legislature or any arm of Government.

It has been difficult for our leaders to communicate meaningfully across this war of words, But precisely because of lack of political goodwill to implement the constitution in its entirety. The president and the prime minister should reaffirm in all solemnity their desire to work for a just and speedy implementation of the new law. This shall be possible if only the selfish egos of their cronies are trashed away and sense of realism planted in the mindsets of our leaders. The two have witnessed the politics of this Nation than most of us and have been in the realms of power for many years. They saw JM die, Pinto Gama, Tom Mboya, Robert Ouko, Farther Kaiser, Oscar, Bishop Muge; etc. They have also witnessed Matiba, Njoya, Shikuku, Gatabaki, Anyang’ Nyong’o, George Anyona, Raila, and many more proponents of reforms in the 80’s and 90’s when Moi was cracking down on the voice of voiceless. I deeply believe that these two leaders shall one day pay dearly if they allowed the interests of a few people who have benefited from impunity, corruption, and nepotism from time immemorial determine the destiny of this nation during this transitional period.

Let history record that at this critical juncture both sides turned their face toward “justice rather than towards impunity and injustices." It may be hard to face the reality, but it is the right way. In speaking of the consequences of a precipitous withdrawal from talks and proper implementation of the new law, Kenyans shall lose confidence with the entire process and it shall not be business as usual. Far more dangerous, we would lose confidence in ourselves as a nation and incidents similar to those of post election violence shall be inevitable, now and in future. The consequences of what our leaders shall have done, inevitable remorse and divisive recrimination would scar our spirit as a people.

We have faced other crises in our history and we have become stronger by rejecting the easy way out and taking the right way in meeting our challenges. Our greatness as a nation has been our capacity to do what has to be done when we knew our course was right. Let us all submerge our differences and realize that it is best for us to first see that we have the same problem, a common problem, a problem that will make you catch hell whether you're. Whether you're educated or illiterate, whether you live in Muthaiga or in the alleys of Kibera, you're going to catch hell just like me. We're all in the same boat and we all are going to catch the same hell from the same pan- Impunity!
Kenyans in their usual optimism passed the new law to simply guard themselves and their generations to come from political oppression, economic exploitation, and social degradation at the hands of a few greedy politicians whom are a ‘know everything’ and will poke their noses anywhere they read a survival tact for themselves and their many sycophants.

Let historians not record that, when Kibaki and Raila were the most powerful men, we passed on the other side of the road and allowed the last hopes for political, economical and social empowerment of millions of Kenyans be suffocated by the forces of totalitarianism. This is the time for all of us to take the boat, even if we can walk on water.

The great ‘silent majority’ of our time spoke at the referendum, and the ruling class has little to do than lead us to the other side of the new constitutional dispensation. Needless to say, if they did or behaved in anything short of that, then the scenes we have witnessed in parts of Arab world might be a reality here at home. I once again remind them that the trouble with the rat race is that……even if you win the race; you are still a rat! God bless Kenya.

Author:
MWANGI S. MUTHIORA; is a Projects Manager by profession. He is an MP in the National Youth Parliament of Kenya He is a poet and a blogger with an allay of interesting political articles and poems most of them published on his Official Blog called Two Hours Before and reviewed widely across the world. He is an ardent participant of WHYS (World Have Your Say) on BBC among other International Human Rights platforms.

He is an aspirant in the forthcoming National Youth Council elections to be held next month.

Read about the Author on the February issue of Parents Magazine 2010 and read his untold story. Also Join Two Hours Before on facebook and twitter. NOTE: Two Hours Before is the fastest growing poetry blog in the country with over 27,000 visits and several reputable Reviews across the world.

MWANGI S. MUTHIORA
EXCECUTIVE DIRECTOR
Two Hours Before
fafdays@gmail.com
+254 725 385 654

The LG Report's Interview Series Visits Cheeseboy in Utah!

States where men want more than one wife are depicted in red.

Today, we sit down with Abe (also known as "Cheeseboy,") the author of the very funny and popular Blog O' Cheese.   (click on the name to be transported to an extremely entertaining blog, unlike this one, which is only normal-strength entertaining.)

We are GRATEful [strap yourself in folks, we're just getting warmed up with the cheese puns] to Abe for agreeing to this interview, especially considering that he appears to be depressed and a little bleu today.  Nonetheless, we're expecting a Gouda interview.  Abe will no doubt be his usual sharp self (he earned his Ivy League diploma at Havarti), certainly more entertaining than our previous interview subject, Rush Limburger. Surprisingly, while Abe is from Utah, he does not reside in the town of Provo(lone).  As you might suspect, his favorite comedian is Ray Romano, his favorite baseball player was Reggiano Jackson and his favorite sitcom character was Herman Munster.  OK, time to cut the cheese puns and get to the interview:     

The LG Report:  Cheeseboy, how did you choose the name "Blog O' Cheese" and what specific type of cheese are we talking here?

The second funniest folks from Scranton, behind Cheeseboy.

Abe/Cheeseboy: My name stems from a home video that I made when I was 19 in Scranton, Pennsylvania.  I dressed up as “Cheeseboy” with yellow tights and a cape.  I ran around the University of Scranton like an idiot.  Somewhere the footage exists.  I hope it is never unearthed.

The LG Report:  You live in Utah.  Spelled backwards that's Hatu.  Hatu is a Mohican word which means "Land of the Cheese Blogger."  Did you know this?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I had no idea.  That would explain all the Mohicans on my doorstep every night with a basket of flowers and a cornucopia filled with Butterfinger Crisps.

The LG Report:  What's the most exciting thing to do in Utah? 

Abe/Cheeseboy: Utah gets a bad rap because people thing there are no bars or clubs here, which is an absolute fallacy.  But I don’t think those things are exciting anyway.

It's easy to see why Abe likes Utah football.

There are tons of very exciting things to do here.  Skiing, hiking, boating all seem to very popular. Personally, my favorite thing to do here is go 4-wheeling through the deserts and back woods.  I also LOVE cheering on my Utah Utes on Saturdays in the fall.

The LG Report: Have you ever seen a minority person?  And we don't mean a Democrat.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I AM a Democrat! We do exist here.

Man, we are just breaking Utah stereotypes left and right here.  Besides most of the Utah Jazz players, there are plenty of minorities here.  I believe that in Salt Lake City, Hispanic people make up about 35% of the population. 

Utah's minority population gathers to exchange ideas.

We also have a TON of Tongan and Samoan people living here.  They are great folks and keep our crappy buffets in business.

I think there might also be a few Eskimos here because sometimes there will be dead seals just lying by the side of the road.

The LG Report:  Most bloggers are women.  Only you, LG, and a guy in Canada are male bloggers.  Why do you think this is?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I think it is because women blog for different reasons that we 3 men do. Women blog because they like to hear each other whine.  Men blog because there is not a game on at the time.

The LG Report:  You own a Barney costume and, in fact, donned it and went to pick up Chinese food to celebrate the arrival of the 500th follower of your blog.  Our obvious question: Why would a Chinese person live in Utah?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I think the Chinese actually love Utah!  Why? Because morons come into their restaurants dressed like Barney and it makes them giggle.  That, and all that free shrimp in the lake.

The LG Report:  What's the most fun little-known tourist attraction in Utah?

Abe/Cheeseboy: Definitely our 7-11’s.  There seems to be one on every corner here.  Tourists are baffled by our Slurpee love.

This movie's run time is a bit too long for LG's taste.

Besides the 7-11’s, definitely check out Southern Utah’s canyons.  But don’t go alone or you may end up chopping your arm off with a pocket knife. 

The LG Report: Given the movement towards healthy food today, would you support a name change to Salt-Substitute Lake City?

Abe/Cheeseboy: No.  But I would support a name change to Sweet ‘N Low if they gave me enough money.

The LG Report: What's the craziest thing you've done that you can safely reveal without being arrested?

WANTED: Identifying feature - a frontal butt crack.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I once robbed a Chinese place dressed as Barney.

The LG Report:  How many wives do you have?  No, seriously, you can tell The LG Report.  We don't have 500+ followers, nobody will know.  How many?  Are all 500+ followers of your blog also your wives? 

Abe/Cheeseboy: About half my followers are wives, so 250.  They have to follow if they want their turn with me.

Seriously, I have one wife.  One.  She is pretty damned awesome.

The LG Report:  We assume you watch the show "Big Love" on HBO?  Don't you agree with LG when he says that the chicks should be hotter?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I don’t think we get HBO in Utah.  It was outlawed in the 1930’s along with Chinese buffets.

No, I don’t watch it.  I’ll have to take your word for it that they should be hotter. I am perfectly content on Bill Paxton’s hotness though.

The dude, of course, duh!

The LG Report:  Did you ever date Marie Osmond?  You don't have to tell us what base you got to, just if you ever dated her.   

Abe/Cheeseboy: Marie is much older than I. I think I may have dated her daughter though.

The LG Report:  If you woke up in a jail cell, with no memory of the night before, handcuffed to your boss and you could only say one sentence to him, what would it be?

Abe/Cheeseboy: “So people poop on the floor here too?”

(I teach 1^st grade and that seems to often be a running problem in the bathrooms.)

The LG Report:  Have you ever been to the Sundance Film Festival?  This is a boring question, we know, so feel free to make us some crazy answer.  Nobody believes the answers in these interviews anyway...

A fan at Blog 'O CheeseFest 2010.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I went once just to see if I could see any stars.  I ended up seeing Rosie O’Donnell eating pizza in her underwear.  It was a strange night.

The LG Report:  What do residents of Utah hate most about California?  

Abe/Cheeseboy: This is the EASIEST question so far!  Utahns HATE, HATE, HATE the LAKERS!!! 

But we love Disneyland, but they are not run by the Lakers.

The LG Report:  It's clear that you're named after that famous Abe, Abe Vigoda, who played the character Fish on the TV show "Barney Miller."  Have you ever met him?   Do you feel like a fish out of water?

Hmm, does have a cheese-like complexion.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I am actually named after the Grandpa on the Simpsons.

The LG Report:  Please wrap it up by telling readers of The LG Report why they should or shouldn't move to Utah and why they should read your blog.  We think it's a very funny blog, but nobody listens to us, so you'll have to blow your own horn here.

Abe/Cheeseboy: You should definitely come to Utah because Wilford Brimley lives here and when he gets really drunk, he will put on some parachute pants and run through downtown.

Read my blog because I think it breaks the mold.  I hope it funny, original and unlike any other blog you will read. 

__________________________________________________________

So there we have it folks, Abe/Cheeseboy from the most excellent Blog 'O Cheese has provided his unique insights into male blogging, Utah and Barney costumes. As a parting gift, Abe will get five t-shirts that say "My Husband Was Interviewed on The LG Report and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."  Wait, make that six.

Be sure to keep checking back regularly (and please sign up to follow if you haven't already; once we hit 100 we'll blatantly rip-off Abe's idea and do something crazy, we're just not sure what yet...) because we'll soon be accepting entries in our LG Report Cutest Pet Contest.  Stay tuned for details (and don't ask us how you "tune" a computer, just stay tuned, we're all old enough to remember that phrase...thanks!)
.
.
.


.

Thank you!

Again, to all those fans that have been ever-vigilant in prayers--thank you. I am sure that Andy and his family are very grateful for the constant concern and love!

Remember to preserve the thoughts that will give Andy and his family strength along their difficult journey. 

Selection 2011 - Justin Chambers

Classement 2010 - 72° / Classement 2009 - 84°

Acteur et modèle américain (1970)

Selection 2011 - Daniel Garofali

Daniel Garofali, dancer and model from Australia

Selection 2011 - Raoul Bova

Classement 2010 - no classement / Classement 2009 - 88°

Free Andy Whitfield wallpaper

Free wallpaper for your computer: http://www.galawallpapers.net/desktop/74961/andy-whitfield-wallpaper

The LG Report's Guide to Key West

Note: Restrooms for LG Report readers only.  And, sorry, we don't make change for the bus.

____________________________________________________________ 

This is a re-post from January of 2010, when The LG Report had considerably fewer readers, so chances are you haven't seen it before.  And if you have, you're probably losing your memory like everyone else over 30, so you won't remember it anyway.  We shoulda just said that it was a new post, oh well, next time.  Enjoy anyway...especially if you're planning a Florida getaway -- Key West is a great place to visit!

 _____________________________________________________________

Your LG Report Guide to Key West, Part I - The Scenery

Coming tomorrow: Part II - Key West's Restaurants and Bars
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Readers have e-mailed to say that they're contemplating a vacation to Key West, Florida and that they'd like The LG Report's insider view.  Good move.  The LG Report has been to Key West many times and considers itself somewhat of an expert. 

You're probably wondering, "How many times an individual can refer to himself as an entity, such as The LG Report?"  Many times, LG assures you.  In fact, an annoyingly large number of times.  Just watch.

Before we start our review of Key West and all that it has to offer, allow us to say: Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber, Angelina Jolie, Kate Gosselin, Oprah Winfrey, Octo-Mom, Balloon Boy, Lindsay Lohan, Susan Boyle, Avatar and Tiger Woods.

Sorry, we're just increasing our odds of getting random hits from people using popular Google search terms.  Hits are king.

LG knows you're busy, so we'll just feed you a few of the basics on Key West before we go to the photos.  Both a city and an island, Key West is the  southernmost point in the continental United States, something which you'll see at every turn of the head when there.  There's the Southernmost Motel, the Southernmost Hotel, the Southernmost House, The Southernmost Ice Cream Store, The Southernmost Manhole Cover, The Southernmost Crushed Soda Cup in the Street, The Southernmost Dog Poop, etc.  You get the point.

Lore has it that Key West got its name from an Americanized pronunciation of the Spanish phrase "Cayo Heuso," which means "Bone Island."  It was so named because the land was believed to be a burial ground, or possibly a battlefield, containing the remains of Native Americans. 

Some locals still call it "Bone Island" because of the frequent sexual liaisons among visitors.  Actually, LG just made up that last sentence.  The rest was true.

LG could go into a l-o-n-g, detailed and boring recitation of all that Key West has to offer, but, instead he'll provide a short and boring recitation of all that Key West has to offer. 

One good description of Key West: A permanent Spring Break for Adults.  There are very few non-tourist-focused activities on the island.  There are a couple of courthouses and a post office, and just about everything else caters to tourists.  Although, the courthouses adjudicate the rowdy wrongdoings of tourists, and the post office sends their postcards home, so scratch LG's previous statement.  It's all about tourists.

The photos used in today's and tomorrow's posts were all taken by LG's good friend Stan, who is an excellent photographer.  He's also a top-notch woodworker/carpenter, computer technician, photo framer, etc.  LG could go on and on about his talents, but will save his boring rhetoric for the rest of this posting.

Key West is not very big, just over seven square miles. One of the island's most popular activities is to gather at Mallory Square to watch the sunset, usually with a cocktail in hand.  The area is packed with bars, restaurants and other choice viewing spots.  You'll see pictures and descriptions of some of those tomorrow.  Today we're focusing on the non-bar/restaurant scenery. Off we go....

This is the monument at the Southernmost Point on the island.  Tourists generally stand in line to get their photo taken next to it (no charge) so that they can e-mail it back to Aunt Ida in Topeka. There's really not much to it, but like seeing the Alamo when in San Antonio, you have to do it.  Tourist traps are tourist traps, no matter where they're located.  But at least this one is free. 

The monument is not technically on Key West's Southernmost Point, but that's on a Naval base and not accessible to tourists, so the city went with this site.  This simulated buoy was erected in 1984 because the signs that previously marked the site were repeatedly stolen.  Nobody's going to steal this massive concrete mofo.  And that claim about "90 miles to Cuba" painted on the monument is false; it's actually 94 miles from there.

Tip: If you stand next to the monument for a photo, try to cover the graffiti to the right of the word "Point."  Big-butted people will be especially successful at this, so hold off on joining Jenny Craig until you get back.






This large house is typical of the style of architecture that you'll find in the Florida Keys. LG believes the technical term for it is "pink," but he's not an architect.  He was going to rent this place last time he visited, but it was too small for his needs.  LG requires a lot of room when he spreads out to blog.

Those people in the foreground are not pictured in actual size.

Depicted here is the Key West Waterfront on the western side of the island, near Mallory Square. As you can see, Key Westers take their cable TV seriously and do not want anyone anchoring their boats near the lines that bring in ESPN.  Anderson Cooper wanted to anchor his CNN show from this dock once, but he was told that anchoring wasn't allowed here.  You knew LG had to squeeze another bad pun out of that sign.

This is the famous Key West Lighthouse, built in 1847.  LG tried to lift it, it's not really that light, so someone's guilty of a bit of false advertising. The red flowers in the foreground are a rare form of rose found only on Key West.  The botanical term for them is "Bloggeris bullshittingu."  Ok, scratch the last two sentences.  They're just bougainvilleas, LG guesses. He's not a botanist, get off his back.

This is the "Conch Train," a popular option for Key West sightseeing.  You can look down your nose on everyone riding the Conch Train because they are tourists.  You, on the other hand, using The LG Report's inside information, are practically a local. Feel free to snort at these clueless scumbags when they roll by. Geo's friend Bob Sloan once drove his rental car into this train (true story.)  LG hopes Bob Sloan Googles himself a lot; just like the Conch Train, we'll get a hit from him!

This is a Key West beach.  You won't see many of these because you'll be in the bars late each night and waking up well into the afternoon, so soak up the details now.  Buy some postcards with beach scenes to send home, but avoid questions about what the beach was like.

"It had a lot of sand," is usually a good response if pressed.

This guy is one of Key West's most famous buskers.  He speaks in a weird French accent, probably learned from public television.  People call him "The Catman" because his highly entertaining act involves trained cats.  The star of the show is "Os-car, Os-car!"  He yells it so much that you'll hear the name in your sleep. His catch phrase is "Hurry up, hurry up! Take your time."  It's much funnier when spoken than it is in print. LG thinks that's Os-car! Os-car! in front of the Catman in this photo.  Notice the cords hanging down from the bottom of the Catman's pants?  Don't ask...    

This is, in LG's opinion, is one of Stan's coolest photos.  Taken just after sunset at Mallory Square, it wasn't, as you might expect, shot using a red filter.  Rather, Stan's eyes were still bloodshot from partying the night before, and the hi-tech lens picked that up.

Remember folks, Key West Part II is coming tomorrow, stay tuned.... [Editor's Note: Since this is a re-post, Part II is not really coming tomorrow, but you're welcome to search back in the January 2010 archive to read it for yourself if you're interested.]

Coming Soon:  The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series continues with a stop in Utah to catch up with Abe/Cheeseboy of the very, very funny Blog O' Cheese.   Please check back soon and thanks for stopping by!
.
.