The Interview Series Goes International: Carol From England Takes The Hot Seat!

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined That Reading The LG Report May Be Hazardous To Your Ribs.  Seriously.  The Surgeon General is not the type to kid around.   

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The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series has been a huge ratings hit all over the internet, surpassing Yahoo! in total hits on January 14th.  Consequently, readers worldwide have been clamoring for its expansion into other countries.   Here's a sampling of feedback we've received from some foreign leaders:

Fidel Casto, President, Cuba:  "Please interview me senor, I'm not dead yet, but I probably don't have a lot of time."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President, Iran: "You went to the trouble of Googling my name to spell it correctly, you might as well interview me now you American swine.  I promise not to deny the Holocaust anymore.  I'm really not a nut.  Not compared to the guy in North Korea anyway."  
   
Hosni Mubarak, President, Egypt: "Wait, don't interview me yet, I'm the only person in my country with internet access.  Go interview someone else and I'll let you know when it's back up." 

Hu Jintao, President, People's Republic of China: "我爱LG Report kicks ass 的报告，这是有史以来最好的博客！"

Based on the above feedback, we've conducted an exhaustive international search and have chosen an Englishwoman to be our first foreign interviewee.  We are proud to present Carol, author of the very entertaining blog Facing 50 With Humour  (click on the blog name and take a gander at Carol's excellent work, you won't be disappointed.)  So, as they say in jolly Old England, let's have at it, shall we?  
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The LG Report:  Carol, here at The LG Report we speak only American.  We know you're from England/Britain/The U.K. and speak primarily English, but would you mind conversing in American for the purposes of this interview?  Also, where should we say you're from: England, Britain or the United Kingdom?  We find that very confusing. 

Carol: Crikey (Darn) it’s going to be dash (very) difficult for me to stop speaking this way and start dropping my ‘u’s everywhere but I’ll try and translate where appropriate. Good evening LG, ladies and gentlemen (Howdy folks!)

Normally when asked I say I’m from the UK but when people look confused about that I say ‘I’m from Eeeengland’ (normally spoken loudly, patronizingly and slowly to anyone from Europe). When they still look blankly at me I say ‘Like David Beckham’ and they all start nodding wisely or say ‘Manchester United’ and grin.

The LG Report: Out of all the countries in the world Carol, why did you choose to be born in England?

Carol as a German child (artist's rendition)

Carol: Ha ha! Trick question. I spotted that straight away. I wasn’t born in England. I was born in Germany. My mother suddenly realized when on holiday that she wasn’t suffering from indigestion as she thought but was having a baby. She happened to be in Germany at the time and conveniently near a hospital. I arrived efficiently and promptly on time, as you do over there.

The LG Report:  Who do you hate more, the French or the Germans?

Carol:  Can I just put a little positive spin on the question? Who do I prefer, the French or the Germans? Now if we are talking about ‘frogs legs’ versus ‘Bratwurst sausages’ or ‘Peugeot’ cars versus ‘Mercedes’ then I prefer the Germans. ‘Chateauneuf du Pape’ versus ‘Riesling’ then I certainly prefer the French. If, however, you mean naughty French maid outfit versus tight ‘Lederhosen’ with leather bib then you’d have to ask my husband which one he likes me in best!

The LG Report:  What's the single best tourist attraction for readers of The LG Report to visit when they're in your country?

Cheese rolling (really!)

Carol: Forget London. Forget all the famous stately homes and National Trust sites. Forget the steam engine trains that roll through beautiful green country side or hill climbing in the Peak District Park - you need to visit the Historic Event of Cheese-Rolling that is held each year at Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire. People come from all over the world to roll cheese down a 1:2 gradient slope. There’s even a cheese-rolling app for the iPhone

The LG Report:  If you had to pick one food to symbolize all of England, which food would it be and why?

Carol:   Most people would probably say ‘fish, chips and mushy peas’ but actually it’s been discovered that our national dish is curry due to all the Indian restaurants that have grown up over the decades. So I guess it’s ‘curry, chips and mushy peas’ now. (To be accompanied by copious amounts of lager.)  Personally I’d rather opt for ‘Yorkshire pudding’ just because it isn’t, as you would suspect, a pudding. You don’t even have it for desert. It’s a cooked batter that you serve for Sunday lunch with roast beef and gravy. Apparently there’s an art to cooking them but as I’m hopeless in the kitchen I get mine readymade and shove them in the oven to heat up.

Prince Charles passing gas.

The LG Report: We would imagine you know Prince Charles personally, from riding the bus to work or maybe from seeing him whilst doing your weekly shopping down at the Sainsbury's.  What's he like in person?   

Carol: Oh yes, I’m sure I saw him in the ‘fruit and veg’ aisle last week talking to a stick of celery expressing concern that it was a bit limp. Actually he’s a member of our local famous hunt (People who wear red coats, sit on horses, say ‘Haw, haw, haw’ a lot, blow a hunting bugle and chase foxes. Actually they can’t chase foxes any more so I’m not sure what they are after when they charge off on their gee gees (=horses- pronounced jee jees).

PC is very friendly especially if you stand in a plant pot with a bit of greenery on your head. He’ll talk to you for hours.

The LG Report: We all know that England only won the World Cup once, in 1966 (you're too young to remember that Carol!)  Would you and/or your husband rather see England win the next World Cup or would you rather have hunger eliminated from the face of the Earth forever? 

Carol: Of course all Brits want England to win. Each and every Brit gets incredibly patriotic about the World Cup. The footage of 1966 is dragged out year after year lest we forget the glory that was once ours. It’s a Brit pastime to live in hope and drive around with hundreds of little Union Jacks flags adorning our cars and go down the local pub to watch every match until our team gets booted out of the Cup. We grumble (=complain) for a while and all watch to make sure the Germans don’t win the tournament, waving our scarves when they finally get defeated then undeterred we start building up enthusiasm and hope for the next World Cup. We continue to drive around with the flags on our cars until they blow off. 

I always cheer for the Germans and hide in my house until the World Cup is over.

The LG Report:  LG's friend Elaine's family comes from England, although they live in the United States now.  Their surname is Dobson.  Do you know them?   England can't be that big...

Carol: Do you mean Chip and Pammy Dobson? What a coincidence! They live over the road. We meet them every Thursday in Starbucks. Talking of which I understand we’ll soon be able to buy coffee there by the liter. (Have I spelt that properly? I’ve changed my keyboard to American and now I can’t remember how to spell in English). I can’t wait to see how many of those it will take before my husband is so hyper I’ll have to shut him in a darkened room.

The LG Report:   The Beatles, Elton John, The Rolling Stones, The Police and Madonna. Of these British musical acts, which do you like most?  [Editor's Note: We know that Madonna is really an American pretending to be British with her faux English accent, that's the whole point of the question, to humiliate her when she clicks in.  Shhh...]

Carol:   I have a sneaking admiration for ‘Madge’- yes, she even changed her name so she’d blend in here in the UK. She’s goes down a storm at the pub on Karaoke nights.

The Wombles

However I don’t listen to these bands much after all what could be better than Brit bands and great songs like ‘Remember you’re a Womble’ by the Wombles, ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’ by the Wurzels or ‘Rabbit’ by Chas and Dave (check them out on YouTube) ?

The LG Report:  According to the BBC, the only thing that can make the guards at Buckingham Palace laugh or smile while on duty is reading The LG Report.  What would you say, Carol, to make those stiff gentlemen laugh if you had only one line to use?  

Carol: As a general rule I try not to annoy stern looking men carrying automatic rifles and bayonets and wearing furry hats.

The LG Report:  What's the single best thing about living in England?

Carol: The airport isn’t far away from the house so I can get on a plane frequently and go away.

The LG Report:  We assume you know a bit about America.  If you had to live in one place in America for a year, where would it be and why?

Carol's American neighbor.

Carol: After extensive research I’ve decided I would like to live either in Wisteria Lane (I don’t know where that is exactly but you clearly have some great shops nearby looking at how those women on ‘Desperate Housewives’ are dressed) or ‘Springfield’(not the one in Illinois). I’m a little concerned as to why everyone there is yellow though…do they get lots of sun?

The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, an internet and blogging phenomenon here in the States.  During every interview session, we ask the interviewee how they'd kill off Geo if he came to visit them.  If Geo visited you in England, how would you murder him?  Please choose one of the answers below -- or add your own:

1. I'd serve him some of the local pub food.

2. I'd loan him my car and tell him do drive on the right side of the road, just as he does in America.

3.  I'd sit him smack dab in the middle of thousands of screaming Manchester United fans at Old Trafford dressed in an Arsenal jersey.

4.  Other: ________________________

Carol:   I misread that at first and thought you said Neo. Neo from ‘The Matrix’ no! You can’t kill him. I love him. I’d like all of the above but my cunning plan would be to lock him in the kitchen with my party loving Mother and her home made wine for a night. He’d never come out alive. Well, if he makes it out alive he’ll be completely pickled (=drunk) for months.

The LG Report:  Please complete this sentence:  The British are the best in the world at _______________________.

Carol: Moaning about the weather.

The LG Report:  Other than any place in the United Kingdom, what's your favourite (notice the spelling, we're speaking your language now!) country in Europe and why?

Carol: Switzerland. I’ve heard they have mountains made out of chocolate.

The LG Report:   How do you like what we've done with your colonies? 

Carol: History – eek! I’m not very good at history. It’s always my downfall in ‘Trivia Pursuits’. We have colonies? I had to ask my husband. He thought we still ‘owned’ the Turks and Caicos, Cayman Islands and Bermuda but bet that the Americans had probably sneakily taken them over and erected several KFCs and McDonalds restaurants to mark their territory. In which case, yes, you’re doing a great job. I’m just mad about McFlurries.  [Editor's Note: We were inquiring about America, formerly British Colonies, but we liked Carol's answer so much that we didn't bother clarifying our original question for her.]

The LG Report:  In billiards, when you put spin on the ball it's referred to as "English."  Why do you think that is?  Do English people experience a spinning sensation frequently?   

Carol:   In outmoded French slang a condom is called ‘un capot anglais’ (an English cap) so do you think there could be some cricketing link?

Thank you enormously for inviting me here today. I feel very humble to be you first transatlantic guest and hope that you’ll welcome me back another time.  Don’t forget to look me up if you or your wonderful followers are in the UK. You’ll find me in the telephone directory or just ask at any local pub. They’ll know where to find me.

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That's it for today folks.  Thanks again to Carol, the Englishwoman behind Facing 50 With Humour,  a terrific read. We appreciate Carol's appearance here (getting through airport security is never easy these days) and we hope you'll all stop in at Facing 50 With Humour soon to check out her work.  

Carol, you're a great sport, and we thank you for your support, of The LG Report! [We're a poet, don't you know it?!]

We hope to see everyone back here at The LG Report again soon.  

Oh, and if you sign up to follow The LG Report within the next 24 hours, Karma will bring a significant reward into your life.  Seriously, the Surgeon General guarantees it, and he doesn't kid around, as you may have read that somewhere.    Cheers!