Making a snarky comment on e-mail is usually considered rude. Hitting "reply to all" with your snarky comment is considered really rude. I know that, honestly.
But I do it anyway.
Giving me a chance to reply to all is like buying a new set of butcher knives for Jeffrey Dahmer or taking Elliott Spitzer to a strip club. The temptation is great.
Yesterday, I committed the offense with a good friend. She recently returned from Istambul with a knock-off (please don't use the unsavory term "counterfeit") Hermes purse. She encountered a problem with it, causing her to solicit advice on a solution from a number of her friends.
I will now compound my original rudeness by making this e-mail exchange public in The LG Report. I've removed correspondents' names (with some first-name-only exceptions) and have substituted "Mrs. X" and "her husband" in place of specific identities. Sometimes I can be half-nice. Don't get too used to it.
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To: A Long List of People Whose Identities are Being Protected by The LG Report
Monday, April 12, 2010 12:26 pm
Subject: HERMES bag help
Friends –
While we were in Istanbul, my husband kindly bought me THEE most beautiful fake Hermes Birkin bag. I’m DEEPLY in love…both with the bag AND my husband too, of course. I pulled the bag out yesterday to admire it (can’t use it till my Nov birthday…ouch) and realized that the gold “lock” on the bag was gone. It’s nowhere to be found. I sobbed like a baby for a good while over it. I’m not kidding. Not having that lock won’t let the purse close properly.
So I turn to all of you – my MOST resourceful friends – for ideas.
Mine is the larger version of the one pictured here:
Here’s what I’ve already done/thought of:
1. Emailed 2 Chinese internet companies (incl the above) to see if they’d simply sell me a lock and keys. Still waiting to hear from them.
2. Emailed the manager of the hotel we stayed in where it MAY have fallen off
3. Buy the above purse and interchange the locks
4. Chinatown? I don’t have any idea if they have Hermes or the locks. Worth a look…
5. Try to find the place where we bought the bag (it was in the Grand Bazaar…not sure if I kept their business card or not)
6. Checked EBAY to see if anyone just sells the locks. There are other or “special” versions of locks, but no one has the plain gold one I need.
If you have any other ideas, I would welcome them. I’m crushed…you have no idea.
My husband reminded me that, hey, it’s just a purse. Yes, but….
[Signature Name Blocked By The LG Report]
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To: A Long List of People Whose Identities Are Being Protected
From: LG
Date: Monday, April 13, 2010 3:13 pm
Subject: Re: HERMES bag help
Dear Mrs. X [Note: The LG Report just made up this clever pseudonym],
I'm deeply honored to be counted in the same category as the other luminaries and great minds to which you turn in a time of severe crisis like this great calamity which has befallen you.
I just polled all the other e-mail recipients and we all agree that you should simply send your husband back to Turkey for another Hermes bag. But tell him to be careful because last time he bought the bag without noticing that the knock-off bag said "Herpes," not "Hermes."
I feel strongly that one of your already-taken courses of action will be fruitful but if I come up with any others, I will let you know. Sending your husband back just seems to make the most sense. And remember, if your place goes on fire and you can only rescue your husband or your Hermes bag, the Hermes bag doesn't carry life insurance.
Your wise(ass) friend,
LG
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To: A Long List...
Date: April 14, 2010 2:23 pm
Subject: Re: HERMES bag help
Kids…
First, I’ve PURPOSELY left my dear friend LG off this distribution list so as to not torture you – or your inbox -- today. Apologies for his excessive responses due to his lack of anything better to do with his days.
Secondly – GREAT NEWS on the Hermes purse lock front: Renee agreed to accompany me to Canal Street this morning and BOY…is she GOOD!!!! We were like cops sniffing out drugs in a crack house. She was soooooooooooo good playing the (insert princess whiny voice here) “oh I lost my lock” card that we scored not 1, but 2 different Hermes locks and keys! I tried to contain my glee, but it was tough. It’s pretty pathetic that a 45 year old woman could get so geeked over something so ridiculously trivial as this, but I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT ACTUALLY CRY. You can judge me all you want from that statement, but I’m one happy chick right now. THANK YOU, RENEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I thank all of you for your comments, suggestions, and sympathy. Oh, except for you, Liz, whose first response – for those who missed it (all of you) -- consisted of this kind and thoughtful suggestion:
“Two words: Home Depot.”
Ouch.
Love To All….Mrs. X
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From: Dan
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 14:27:21 -0400
To: A Long List....
Subject: Re: LOCKs found!!
LG, wanted to pass along this fantastic news!!!!
oops......did I do "reply to all"??
__________________________________
From: LG
Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010 3:44 PM
To: A Long List...
Subject: Re: LOCKs found!!
Danny,
Thanks, you, sir, are a true friend. Keep in mind that Mrs. X originally omitted YOU from this hallowed distribution list, then it was me. I don't know how she could so recklessly toy with our emotions and our deep-seated desire to be involved in the Missing Lock Issue. I'm almost in tears as I type.
Everyone else: I hope you aren't smugly reading this thinking "Mrs. X would never omit ME from a vital missing Hermes lock e-mail distribution list!"
Well newsflash time: You'd better THINK TWICE!
In fact, I'm surprised that Liz's "Home Depot" response didn't get her relegated to Hermes E-Mail Purgatory, a cold and unwelcoming place where both Dan and I have been confined at times. It ain't pretty folks, wondering with every fiber of your body whether Mrs. X will ever recover an appropriate lock.
So where does this leave me? Ecstatic, obviously, that Mrs. X has her lock once again. And no, I won't judge, I handed down that verdict long ago: Mrs. X is A-#1 in my book, even if she does love the Hermes purse more than she loves her husband, who wouldn't? I think most of us would love a Velcro Sears wallet more than we love her husband. But we love to not love her husband so much that it actually comes full circle again so we love him again. But I would like a Velcro Sears wallet if anyone has an extra.
I have to go back to nursing my wounds now, distraught and dejected that Mrs. X would cut me out of the conclusion of the Case of the Missing Hermes Lock. It's like turning off the TV on someone just at the end of a season of "24." Cruel.
It was my intent to e-mail everyone on this distribution list hourly for the next two days just to teach Mrs. X some type of lesson (I'm not sure exactly what that lesson would be) but instead I'll extort you into reading my blog @ www.lgreport.blogspot.com. If you check in at least once I will abort my hourly e-mail plan. Also, if you haven't seen it, there's a post back in January with Mrs. X's husband's high school photo in it.
Thanks, once again, Danny for bringing me back into this most enjoyable and important circle of e-mails. It was no fun being locked out.
______________________________________
From: LG
Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010 4:07 PM
To: A Long List...
Subject: Re: LOCKs found!!
Mrs. X,
One more question since I didn't detect an immediate 10 additional hits to my blog and therefore I feel entitled to torment, I mean correspond with, everyone on this distribution list.
How much cheaper were the knock-off Hermes bags on Canal Street than in Istambul? Did they throw in the bag free when you bought the lock?
I'm just curious and please pardon me if you already answered these questions on another e-mail from which I was also excluded.
Yours, etc.
LG!
_________________________________
From: LG
To: A Long List...
Sent: Wed, Apr 14, 2010 4:17 pm
Subject: Re: LOCKs found!!
One more thing (am I over-stepping my boundary now? "Damn Danny!" You're all saying ... ):
Hermes, ironically, was the mythological Greek messenger of the Gods (among other things) and, no doubt, he'd smile upon all of these messages about his purse. He was also the patron of orators and wit (it's true) and, in another twist, the patron of boundaries and crossing them (look it up if you don't believe moi), which makes all of this even more ironic/coincidental/sardonic/interesting/moronic/intolerable/joyful/etc.
[Note: The picture of the statue of Hermes shown above was not in the original e-mail, that's bonus material for readers of The LG Report. You may consider this to be the equivalent of the "Director's Cut" of a DVD.]
You're welcome.
PS Now I see why Mrs. X wanted to exclude me originally; she was right!
_____________________________________
From: Barbara
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 16:38:50 -0400
To: A Long List...
Subject: RE: LOCKs found!!
Does anyone work? Tomorrow is tax day. Are your Tax Returns done?
And since you all have so much time I’m including the Jamie Oliver petition so you can help our country start serving some nutritional means for our future leaders of the world.
Xoxo
http://www.jamieoliver.com/campaigns/jamies-food-revolution/petition
Thank you and have a Fantastic day!
Best,
Barbara
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From: LG
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 21:09:07 +0000
To: Barbara and a Long List...
Subject: Re: LOCKs found!!
Babs,
Only suckers pay taxes. Doesn't everyone in America have a series of offshore trusts and Sub-Chapter C corporations to hide revenue and avoid taxes? As Geo [LG Report Blog icon] and Leonia Helmsley both once said: "Taxes are for the little people."
As for this Jamie Oliver thing, I'm very suspicious. He's a Brit, why didn't he start with his own country first? Are their teeth too mangled to eat nutritious foods? Surely he can't say that the U.K. has the whole nutrition thing worked out. Why isn't he helping Susan Boyle?! I think it's all just a big plot to get Americans, starting with kids, hooked on things like fish + chips and bangers + mash so that all those people in Liverpudlian factories churning this stuff out can remain employed. If that's not the case, at least I got to write one of my favorite words, "Liverpudlian."
If you ask me (and I know you would, eventually, after the 400th e-mail or so), Sir Jamie Oliver and his ilk would be better serving the world's people if he'd work on passing legislation requiring higher quality locks on knock-off purses. That would eliminate a lot of anxiety and hand-wringing and would drastically cut down on the number of e-mails sent.
I think I've said everything that has randomly popped into my head for now. I probably won't send another "reply to all" for another ten minutes at least. I have to call my accountant down in the Caymans and find out how big of a refund check my offshore entities have earned me.
Humbly,
Mrs. X's Friend LG (I didn't want anyone to forget who dragged me into this in the first place ... )
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There you have it folks, the complete e-mail exchange on the Case of the Missing Hermes Lock which, coincidentally, made for a very easy blog posting for ole LG. Hope you have a great day....
SPECIAL NOTICE: The LG Report has been stuck at 23 followers for a long time. Whoever signs up to be the 24 follower will receive a limited edition (not kidding!) LG Report t-shirt. However, we only have a medium left, hopefully that works for the winner.
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