Customized Terror Alerts Now Available!

The old system.

If you've been immersed in CNN (Charlie News Network) these past few days (and, let's face it, who hasn't?), you might have missed this news tidbit:  The U.S. government, in an effort to confer greater autonomy on individual states, has allowed each to come up with their own customized Terror Alert Warnings.

This new policy, the federal government believes, will enable citizens of each state to better relate to, and understand, the current levels of Terror Alerts in their area.

The LG Report has once again scooped all other internationally-respected news organizations and is proud to be the first to report on the new warnings.

National security concerns prevent us from revealing the entire line-up of new warnings at this time; however, we can provide a sneak preview of what to expect in the new scheme.  Just another benefit of being a reader of The LG Report!

Here's a sample of some of the new warning levels:

Nevada

Current Level:  The bookmakers say we have nothing to worry about.

Next Elevation:  Be vigilant, or the next bones that roll may be your own.


Rhode Island

Current Level:  Remain calm, we're too small to notice.

Next Elevation:  Shit, they noticed.






Illinois

Current Level:  Your duly-elected officials have it all under control.

Next Elevation:  If you die in a terror attack, please remember to keep voting.




Arizona

Current Level:  No worries, it's a dry heat.

Next Elevation:  People without papers will be shot on sight.  


West Virginia

The set of a West Virginia cooking show.

Current Level:  Relax Clem, have a glass of moonshine.

Next Elevation: Grab one of your guns and git behind any appliance on your front lawn.


Florida

Current Level:  Low. Stay inside in the air conditioning and just keep e-mailing people up North about our great weather.

Next Elevation:  Terror alert!  Terror alert! Get to the buffet extra-early and bring home doggie bags for the long haul!




Texas

Current Level:  Are you kidding us?  Every citizen owns an arsenal.  We're ready.

Next Elevation:  We hope a terrorist tries something, we'll go all Chuck Norris on him. 




California

Current Level: Dude, mellow out.

Next Elevation: Dude, mellow out.

Standard-issue California gas masks for use in a terrorist attack.  The attached bong-like devices are, in fact, bongs. 

Wisconsin

Current Level:  Moderate.  Our state capital is already in turmoil.

Next Elevation:  Still moderate, but we especially hate non-union terrorists, so keep an eye out.


Alaska

Current Level:  Low.  Sarah is watching Russia with a loaded rifle.

Next Elevation:  Still not worried, we don't have any population centers to attack.





New York

An official New York anti-terror uniform.



Current Level:  Don't be overly concerned, he's probably just a cab driver.

Next Elevation: If you see a terrorist, just put a foot up his ass to welcome him to New York.
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So there you  have it folks, some of the new terror warning alert levels.  We hope you benefitted from this public service message from The LG Report.  Until next time...