Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King...and they gave it to him.
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| New Hampshire got screwed on coastline |
LG recently got a taste of Mental Poo (similar to chicken but lower in calories) at the recommendation of Eva of Wrestling with Retirement fame. It did not disappoint.
Rodney, one of the few people living in New Hampshire, was asked to be the official representative of The Granite State for The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. For some reason, he agreed.
So let's get right to it and sink our teeth into some Mental Poo:
The LG Report: This is an embarrassingly obvious question, but it must be asked: Have you ever made a pillow out of your belly button lint and tricked overnight guests into sleeping on it?
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| This seems like a pillow Rodney might own, but we're just guessin |
The LG Report: Do you ever pick your nose while blogging? It’s just something that we think about while reading Mental Poo.
Rodney: Okay, so far your first two questions have involved belly button lint pillow and nose picking. I’m more inclined to think that these are less questions for me and more of your own veiled cry for help regarding obvious personal hygiene issues. I’m starting to think that the next question will probably involve a ‘corn in my poop’ reference.
The LG Report: Have you ever found any mental corn in your Mental Poo?
Rodney: I. AM. GOOD.
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| Yes, we're this immature. Sorry. |
The LG Report: You live in New Hampshire and are proudly representing your state in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. What about New Hampshire’s famous White Mountains? They seem a bit racist. Would you consider renaming them the Latino Mountains or, perhaps, the People of Color Mountains?
Rodney: If you’ve ever actually traveled to New Hampshire you’d know that we have only one person here who is black and I’m pretty sure that guy just got lost looking for an Arby’s. If you want ethnic variety, you can cross the border into Massachusetts to experience a wide range of cultures as well as the ungodly fear of being carjacked at an intersection. Also, for future reference, ‘The Latino Mountains’ already exist elsewhere in the United States but it is more commonly referred to as “Los Angeles.” That one’s free. You’re welcome.
The LG Report: While on the topic of discrimination, the largest city in your state is named “Manchester.” Would you consider re-naming this “Womanchester?” This is not a trick question. A reader named “Richard Simmons” submitted this question.
Rodney: Sorry. I’ve been staring at this question for an hour and all I can come up with is “Woman chest” and the feeling that I’m losing time with all this daydreaming.
Boobies.
The LG Report: Writing Mental Poo, an intensely funny blog, must be exhausting. Do you ever experience writer’s block and, if so, do you take Mental Ex-Lax?
Rodney: It IS exhausting. Luckily for me my boss doesn’t expect a lot so I can usually catch up on sleep at my desk.
As far as writer’s block goes: yes, I do get it. However after a few days of not writing anything something will usually fall in my lap. Sadly, it’s never a vagina.
The LG Report: New Hampshire prides itself on having the first presidential primaries every election season. This seems rather arrogant given your state’s small population. There is no question here, we just wanted to get that out. Pretend that you see a question in here and just give us some type of answer, even if it has no relation to anything we've written in this paragraph or anywhere in the history of The LG Report or even the world in general. Thank you in advance for indulging us.
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| Fuel for Mental Poo. |
The LG Report: Many readers of this interview may be thinking "Hey, I might like to step in some Mental Poo." Which post or posts of yours would you refer them to? We'll publish the link as long as it's not runny.
Rodney: God, this one’s tough since I’ve written over 800 posts but here are some of my all-time favorites:
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
The LG Report: JD Salinger, the famously reclusive writer, lived in New Hampshire. Do you believe that he based his book "The Catcher in the Rye" on your blog Mental Poo? Wait, let us rephrase that question. He obviously did base the book on your blog. Why didn't you sue him for royalties? Or kick him in the balls?
Rodney: This may come as a shock but I’ve never read the book. Primarily because I’m not a huge fan of rye unless I’m eating a Reuben sandwich which begs the question: HOW DID CLAY AIKEN LOSE?!
It boggles the mind.
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| Sadly,Winnie has fallen prey to the meth in recent years. |
Rodney: Believe it or not, Pooh has actually made an appearance in one of my YouTube videos:
Hopefully that puts an end to that question. [Editor's Note: LG just checked out the video; you will laugh heartily.]
As far as a kids’ blog? Hell no. They don’t have money to buy any of my shit:
(this is what you call, ‘grabbing the bull by the horns’)
The LG Report: Who’s your comedy idol?
Rodney: Stephen Hawking. I just have to look at that guy and I crack up.
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| Mental Poo critics are just jealous. |
Rodney: Like that would happen. You’re funny.
The LG Report: We really haven’t talked much about New Hampshire in this interview, largely because you’re larger than life and more interesting than the Granite State. When you run for governor of New Hampshire, what will your platform be? Please give us the first paragraph of your stump speech.
Rodney: I’m lost. I’m a stump? What happened to me? Was it painful? I hate pain so I’m hoping it was some sort of tragic brothel incident (again). I’m also assuming being a stump is why I’ve been elected in the first place – what am I going to do? Veto something? I can’t. I’m a stump.
I forget where I was going with this.
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| Why would anyone manufacture this? And why would we post it? |
Rodney: I don’t understand the ‘ugly chick’ reference. Once the sun goes down, the difference between ugly and hot is blurred. Also, ugly girls is why God gave men eyelids. I believe this is also applicable in reverse for women, although I wouldn’t know because I’m actually pretty hot (see match.com post above).
The blog I would read would be a toss-up between The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half . Both crack me up.
The LG Report: Anything else that we missed Rodney? Give us some of your famously funny one-liners or some words of wisdom or whatever you’d like. Just let ‘er rip, you have our full attention….
Rodney: Just remember it’s like Forrest Gump always said:
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get until one of your aunts decides to stick her thumb in the bottom and ruin them for everyone else. Aunts suck, sometimes. Also, so does coconut.”
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There you have it folks, some excellent insights by Rodney. Our sincerest thanks to him for plopping by, err, we mean dropping by. Be sure to check out Mental Poo when you get a chance; no doubt you'll be clicking back regularly for more loads of Rodney's humor!
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